“And I know I can get crazy,
Say things I do not mean,
But in all of my frustration,
I’m just trying to make you see,
I’m still here for you,
My love won’t let it die..
I know its been a while baby but,
I need you to take me there tonight..”
Lately there has been a lot of talking going on, and it just seems to make things difficult. For someone who has been trying to spend time chilling at home, listening to music and studying, I have had a lot of dialogue from too many people. Where’s the quiet relaxation I was looking for? All my friendships have suddenly become so complex and involving. Man, thats just not how I kick it.
My last close group have all disbanded. Theres this word “fakeness” going around, its always in my head now. Those kids, apparently the trust is gone with them, but a few are still around. They just do my head in. Is anything they say real? I just barred contact with most of them, save myself some headaches.
My oldschool friends are still here for me, we live our separate lives and meet up weekly for a drink or two. My mates in that group are all male, all contacts I’ve had for years. These are the people I drank with, when drinking was new. The thing that kinda creates tension there is the girlfriends who seem to think I’m after their man. So unfair. And how can I be cool to them, when I hear what they say about me? How can I be rude to them, when they’re my best friends other halves? The thing that pisses me off is, that they talk. I’m a private person, I don’t gossip and I hate my name being mentioned. But somehow I always seem to be in the centre of the circle of bullshit, without having done anything. The last thing said about me, was when one of those friends gave me a lift home, and suddenly that was me making a move on him. Far out, you girls are struggling for ammo or what.
Its really hard not to engage in all their dramas, especially when they’re concentrated on myself. I don’t want to retaliate, but its in my nature to be straight forward with people, so I can’t talk to them without clearing the air on what has been said about me. I should be flattered I suppose, that people spend so much of their time and energy thinking about what I’m doing, or might do next.
Ultimately, the kind of relationships I want are without any dependency on each other, nothing I say affects you, nothing you say affects me. The only person I can change is myself, so why bother spending time worrying about what anyone else is doing? Let people talk, let them do as they like. Take it into consideration and move on, but don’t let it bring a reaction from you. Don’t give anyone the opportunity to rule your life.
If people compliment you, don’t let it make you proud or happy. They’re only saying because they are in a good mood, and who are they anyway? Don’t give them the authority to choose whether how you look or act is satisfactory. In the same sense, an insult will never hurt you if you don’t give it the power to. I’ll be as happy as I let myself be. I have to detach from this ego inside of me that says Luli is this, Luli is that.. I’m not in a group, a sub-category, a column. I’m not the clothes I wear or the music I listen to. I’m just an awareness, a thinking and watching entity that overlooks what my physical and mental being is doing. How can I limit myself to a title, and its definition?
That was my mistake, becoming involved. I’m too fiery, and I have a sharp tongue. When I react, it can get bad. Thats why I like to stay out of these episodes. If you cut out all the shit, you just get back to you. I’ve always been a more solitary person, I love to hang out with groups but I’m just comfortable by myself, working away, doing my thing. Keeping independence is vital, when you let others in too much you get confused by all the opinions they push onto you.
“Here it is, Ima make it plain,
Ima lay it on the line,
Mostly I feel you’re just a waste of my time,
But oh, I want ya, I got to have ya, really don’t need you..
But its the way you love me, that keeps me thinking papi.. Oh I..
Oh papi, I sit and think about all of the things that we go through,
And I wonder why I stay wit ya,
But theres something in your backstroke..”
So, about the other reason I decided to write today. I’m sure everyone has that person, that always seems to get them back around, when you know they are no good for you. Lately I started hanging out with that person again. Its been a bit of trauma to my little face, because I have that guilt of hiding it from my sister, and my other close people. I love the affection and interaction, but it can only really be poisonous to me..
And the other part of it, was we decided on a kind of friendship where we see each other, and kiss and leave it at that. It was even arranged that we could pick up other people, as long we weren’t dating them, and the situation would continue. Three days into it, and I’ve already called it off. I’m not sure if I can keep physical shit like that separate.. Like I’m buying some clothes down at the shop, I might just pick up some affection on the way back, then go home and finish my assignment. It became sorta a moral dilemma to me, and I couldn’t help but to feel cheapened by it. I hated it that much, when he called it ‘friends with benefits’ I scowled and called him a dickhead, the equivalent to a Luli hissy fit.
“For one,” I spat, “I’m no longer your friend. And two, you’re not getting any benefits! This is just a make out session.”
“Ok take it easy.. We’ll just call it lust.” He said. See how cheesy he is? How could I handle that kinda crap 24/7 if we were to be together? I’m just a no nonsense kind of person. Romance is completely wasted on me.
In the end, it was the sneaking and lying that made it unacceptable for me. I appreciate affection and hugs, and the good conversation, but if I have to conceal how I’m getting it, then its not really right to do it, is it? Don’t do anything you’re not proud of.. or whatever it is they say.
Plus, I can always find a real man..
“This poor heart of mine
Still feel I can find
A love to call my own
I gave him good love
Made him feel like a man
Now I need someone new
And I want someone like you..
He will come and rescue me
I know one day he’ll come for me
He will come and save me
And I’m waiting, and I’m waiting..”
Tags: Teedra Moses, gossip, fakeness, secrets, dating
