“I know I said it
I know I did it
Maybe I went overboard to prove a point
But sometimes my pride gets in the way
Maybe I need some time away
To get my head together..”
I read my old diaries the other day. It’s funny how you think you’re smart back then, and in actuality you’re fucking dumb. I was an uptight little bitch. I was demanding and moody, I had these stupid expectations of people that were so unbelievable. And I thought I had it all figured out. I was cynical and hurt, it’s like I was about 45 years old, all bitter and distrustful. I feel like I’ve actually gotten younger since then. I’m laid back, open and playful now.
Your first heartbreak will do that to you. Or is that untrue? Does everyone get colder and close themselves off when they lose a love? Maybe its only some people, who are less sure of themselves and more vulnerable. Well whatever the cause, I was unforgiving and unreasonable when it came to guys. And I had gorgeous guys interested in me too. Guys I wish I hadn’t fucked up with.
“This is the game I’ve been playing cause
I wasn’t ready..
I never gave you my all when I had your trust
I wasn’t ready..
But I put this on everything that I love
One more chance so we could make up
I wish it coulda worked back then
But the truth is
I wasn’t ready..”
For example, I kissed this one guy Sully’s brother, which isn’t so bad except I knew Sully liked me. I liked him too, but he had a girlfriend so maybe I was trying to show him what it felt like to like someone while someone else had them. But no, in reality it was very unintentional. And I’m from a small suburb, where everyone kissed everyone and no-one thought twice about it. Thats why I have this thing where I don’t care who I kiss, and I kiss guys way too often, when I don’t even want to pursue something with them. Which is ridiculous I know. But at least I’m not sleeping with them.
So anyway, Sully. Finally he broke up with his Mrs and a few months after I ran into him. He confessed that he liked me, and had liked me for ages. And said all these nice things to me.. We were going to kiss but I pulled away. My excuse? I was too drunk. That’s not a valid reason. You kiss people BECAUSE you’re drunk. I don’t even know why I pulled that one. I think it was just a test.
Well his phone’s screen was broken so he made me promise to call him. I did as well, and we talked and were going to do something but I think I backed out of it. And then he asked me to call again 2 days after, but I decided no. My reasoning? If he really wants to, he can find a way to call me. That’s so STUPID, it makes me want to slap myself. I’d told him I was going to call, so clearly he won’t try to find a way to. Plus his screen is broken, so how could he even get my number? And after expecting me to call and I don’t, as if he’s gonna contact me. It’s just the stupidest logic I’ve ever heard.
Like what kind of dumb bitch.. Arghh! How can you expect to start a relationship on such cold and controlling crap? You have to be sensitive with feelings, I mean he told me he liked me for fucks sake. If I hadn’t have read my diary, I wouldn’t have ever realised what a bitch I was. I just hope I run into Sully one day so I can apologise. I just want to sit him down and explain that I was messed up back then, I’d gone through a rough patch and stuff just got to me. And to tell him to forget anything dumb I’d ever said to him, because I don’t mean a single word. He was the coolest guy, and we had clicked from day one.
Far out. And we wonder why I’m single.. There were other guys too, that I did similar things to. While it wasn’t as severe as what I was like to Sully, it was still bad. I cut them out of my life without warning, I left them wondering. I was a bitch and a snob. Damn. What a waste of good guys. I’m such a fuck up. Did I think I was the Queen Harpee, and that men would chase me to the end of the Earth, while I treated them like shit?
All I can do is learn from it.
“In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it would take you to realize his greatness he’ll be gone,
He’s moved on..
To someone who takes the time
No one knows what they have until they don’t
And by then it doesn’t matter anymore..
You’re all alone.”
Tags: crushes, dating, heartbreak, snob
