Lei, Fate And Inner Peace

“So what? I was out with my friends

I’m a grown woman

Its the weekend..

So what if I don’t answer my phone?

What if I’m not alone

I’m with him..

What’s it to you?”

So I’m not sure if anyone has met my alter ego yet? Her name’s Lei.. Mostly rocks up when I’m drunk. You know the one, yeah that’s right.. the hot mess. Attitude, cruel, loud, argumentative, trouble. I could go on. The adjectives are endless. Sometimes she is amazing.. like fuck, do I love her. She just kills it when it needs to be killed. Has saved my life more than once.. and then again, almost had me dead a few times too. I think, possibly, she’s only good in small doses. Look, I love her, and I’d love to say I could hang with her forever.. truth is - small doses.

She’s a funny girl. Doesn’t seem to give a fuck what I will think of her in the morning. Far out, she can give me the guilts so badly. She does the strangest things. Sometimes I wonder if that’s not why I have such a shocking memory.. so I can block out all the shit she gets up to. You gotta hand it to her though, she’s so crafty and resourceful. She always gets what she wants and she sweet talks and lies with such conviction. Fascinating creature. In a way, more easy to fall in love with than I am. She has such fire in her.. Shows them a wild, carefree and fun person, they call the next day and its depressmo Luli who rocks up at their door, all subdued and shy. Must be such a spin out.

The older we get, the more we merge though. And the wilder she gets. On the weekend she called the no strings attached hook up guy, who I had done so well to remove from my life, and arranged for him to pick her up. She lied to her friends n family and went and pashed him all night. Oh, she’s a demon. She also messaged an old friend to ask him for one of my ex’s numbers that I deleted from my phone. I didn’t mind pashing my old flame, and I wouldn’t mind having my ex’s number. However, just because I don’t mind doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong. Even old flame was suss about me calling.. He was a bit pissed I’d cut him off and even needed a bit of sweet talking before he came around. Evilness on Lei’s part, not his. She was the villain! Damn I love her ruthlessness.

“Boy, won’t you pick me up

At the park right now, up the block

While everyone sleeps, sleeps, sleeps..

I’ll be waiting there

With my trench, my locs, my hat

Just so I’m low key

If you tell the world

Don’t speak, you know that would be weak

Oh boy, see I’m trusting you

With my heart, my soul

I probably shouldn’t let ya know..”

I did the usual day after confusion, scoured my horoscopes and read my tarot cards. Looked for signs. Sought advice. I tried to contact my best mate, but she barred me.. the bitch. Just when I needed her. And I knew it would be because of my insolence towards her lately. I even mes’d my old best friend to see if I could go around for a chat, clear my conscience. But, curse my luck, she was out. Fortunately my horoscope was quite blatant:

Capricorn: Let the past stay in the past. Don’t let old memories of good times with someone let you forget why you ended things in the first place.

So I mes’d my friend back and told him not to bother about the number. And my old flame? Well, I assumed my tarot reading was for him, as he got a mention.

Card 1: The devil

The Devil stands for your instinct. Trust your gut feelings, they won’t let you down. You do tend to be a little impetuous - have you let your mouth run away with you recently or said things you didn’t mean? Don’t worry, your natural allure, which this card also symbolises, means you are still irresistible!

Card 2: The fool

Your question is surrounded by a strange feeling of energy and sensuality, which is making you highly unpredictable. Try not to burn your bridges.

Card 3: The moon

This will not be a very clear answer, so be patient. Use the time to think about what you really want, for you haven’t yet met the person you are looking for. It will happen when the time is right, but you must be open to it, as this card also symbolises your own unwillingness to open your heart. The card also shows a dreamy, languid sexuality, full of secret trysts in hot places.

I can find meaning in every single card. Usually tarot is so confusing for me, like I know what the cards mean but I can’t interpret them properly. Obviously we can all see the picture here. Lei was impetuous, did things without thinking. But luckily she is so lovable, we got away with it. Don’t burn bridges - well I could have blown up at a couple of people or alienated then, it was on my mind to. For some reason I let it go. I’ll make sure not to do it in the near future as well. And the last card.. well that just sums up my life story, right? The waiting for the guy thing, and especially secret trysts. That’s why I haven’t cut off the old flame just yet. He must have a part to play in my life soon, and I can’t keep doing this to him.. picking him up and then throwing him away. Plus, I do love his company.

Fate, at times, lends me a hand. When I look for answers, it provides. Sometimes it leaves me hanging and confuses me. But that only means I haven’t looked hard enough. Today was a difficult day. I almost drowned in the guilt of my secret kisses. I felt disowned by my best friend, and schemed against by her and our mates. I nearly decided life was too confusing, and hurtful, and that I was a wicked person for all I’d done. I could have given up.

Somehow though, in between debates about cross media ownership and Shakira songs accompanied by a cigarette on the drive home, I found peace. I looked out the window at the sun setting and thought, is that all? Is that all you can throw at me and expect me to crumble? Almost.. But almost doesn’t count. Somewhere in my head, I thought ‘Luli girl, you’re alright. You’re not a bad person. Don’t listen to the bad thoughts, or the harsh judgment. Whats gone on has been so insignificant. It can never affect the character you have. You have a heart of gold.’ And I believed it. Nothing can touch me.

“Well she calculates coincidence, and circumstance and turbulence,

Gotta see what it is, and it’s everything, and it’s endless..

Cause baby can’t see through,

All this matter and makeup and déjà vu..

Yeah we drift here alone, with nothing to do,

Until one of us makes the other one come true..”

 

Tags: dating, alter egos, horoscopes, tarot, fate, deja vu