Can You See My Halo?

“As much as you hurt me

Why am I holding on?

Why do I feel the need

When I know I should just let go..”

Sometimes the most distressing thing for me is trying to reach someone. I don’t mean by phone call or contact, I mean actually reaching them. Touching their heart so they feel what you do, or looking in their eyes and seeing that they see you too. Talking to them and knowing they understand you.

There are some people that I just can’t reach no matter what I do.. The boi is one of them. I used to try to subtly get a reaction by baiting him with words, but nothing. When that didn’t work I’d try something more radical like telling him I’d found someone, or I’d be harsh to him about whatever we were talking about. Then I’d be loving and sweet, I’d even buy him gifts. Then after that I’d be extra cold to him. I was so frantic too.. I did anything just to reach him, get through, and I’d freak out when I’d think he was slipping away and do the exact opposite of how I’d just been acting. I must have seemed insane to him.

It was just so frustrating. He would say the tiniest thing to me and it cut me to the core. I was crazy, desperate and emotional and he was pulling away from me. I didn’t know if he was reacting to me being up and down or just being himself. I was doing anything I could to shock him into admitting how he felt about me. I wanted to see that he cared, or that he gave a fuck about me like he used to in the past.

“Well in case you failed to notice

In case you failed to see

This is my heart bleeding before you

This is me down on my knees

These foolish games are tearing me apart

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart..

You’re breaking my heart.”

It was like he decided at some point that I didn’t deserve sweetness anymore. What was it that did it? I still wonder.. Did he just get tired of me being so nice? He wouldn’t care about me, never missed me. I was fucking up all over the joint, I couldn’t keep it together. I’d give him the guilt trip, then apologise, then buy him something, then ignore him.. I had no idea what to do.

I still don’t. How do you make someone see you without telling them to look?

I gave him so much. Hints, compliments, openings, hello’s, calls, messages. I had to give it a rest, because he was pitying me. I didn’t have to tell him I loved him for him to know. Thats what we always forget. We think love is invisible until its spoken. When in actuality, its one of the most obvious things in the world. It shines around someone like a halo.

People used to see my halo for him too, but because we were always together and so close they got confused who was wearing it. They would comment, you two are so in love, why don’t you just get married?

“And though my hearts still beating

When will I breathe again?

And when will someone wake me from

This awful dream I’m in?

If you could see the way I live my life

If you could see the way I cry at night

If you could understand the reasons why

That I’m I loving you still..”

It doesn’t matter now, its all the past. Some men are just difficult, and some are born for greater things than meeting you, or loving you.

Now I’ve forgotten why I was even writing this. I just spiraled into an entirely different destination. I’ve been good lately anyway. Not dating really takes the pressure off.

Tags: care, halo, mind games, mute, silence