You’re Just A Sad Song

“Came a time when every star fall brought you to tears again

We are the very hurt you sold

And whats the worst you take from every heart you break?

And like the blade you stain

Well I’ve been holding on tonight..

Whats the worst that I could say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight, so long and goodnight..”

The Boi and I aren’t speaking. Just another person to add to the list? He was being a rude pig and I told him he could turn around and face the wall, that I wasn’t going to speak to him til he stopped being rude and hung up on him. Its been three days and a few hours. I know he’s too stubborn to talk to me and that I could make it all better by speaking to him, but I don’t want him to get away with that shit.

That, and maybe its time to let him go. As upsetting as it is, we can’t be friends forever. Sometimes I wonder if he’s pushing me into the arms of his enemy, who has a crush on me and who always competes with the Boi for my attention (despite never getting it). I wonder if all this time he’s been trying to see me choose.

But gradually things have gone from magical in the beginning, to horrible and hurtful now. Do I really want to stick around to see the next step? I don’t. I’m done. A man will only treat you how you let him treat you. This isn’t the kind of friendship I’d stick around for. Somehow, in these middle stages of the end, even though we’re not talking it feels good to know he’s still waiting for me to call. I wonder how long this will last, will he throw me away? Can I truly get away with anything? I’m certain this is the end and although I’m sad, I have to let go and learn to live without him. This ‘limerence’ is too unhealthy.

“At the end of the world

Or at the last thing I see

You are never coming home, never coming home

Could I? Should I?

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are never gonna haunt me..”

He’s probably burning thinking I’d be talking about him to his enemy. He probably thought I’d go running back to him because since I’ve stopped speaking to my best chick friend, I’m down to him as the only ‘best friend’ left, without him I’d be alone. I’m not that weak. I won’t stay for his attitude and insults. Probably our footy tips were the only thing keeping us alive. Maybe I cared too much and he wanted to pull away.

I’ll never know his true heart. All I know is that its dying for us. It could be already dead. And because I haven’t seen his softness in so long, because I haven’t heard a kind word, because he stopped caring and respecting me I do not mind to leave. There is no more for me to miss. We were truly going nowhere. This is the end me and my ex came to when I was 16, and it will be the same for him. Not talking until one day he deletes my number from his phone, and I do the same back.

“If I’m so wrong

How can you listen all night long

All night long, night long

Now will it matter after I’m gone?

Because you never learn a goddamn thing.

You’re just a sad song, with nothing to say

About a life long wait for a hospital stay

And if you think that I’m wrong

This never meant nothing to ya

So go, go away.. Just go.. Run away..”

But this time I won’t obsess over him. This time I will be an adult and live on and forget him. He wasn’t so perfect after all. He wasn’t the one for me. He maybe even hates me. He’ll never hear my soft hearted advice again. He’s lost his only confidante. He has no one to remember his past with, who knew his inner thoughts and feelings. He’s lost his cuteness and playful flirting, his sweetness, his openness. He’s lost the girl that believed in him, that loved him flaws and all.

He will remember one day how lovely I was to him, how I always cared, and he will wish he wasn’t so harsh on me. He will think about how I had feelings for him and regret that he swept them aside with hurtful words. He will think about how he hurt my heart and how all I ever wanted to do was help him. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe I was a pest this whole time and he was glad to see me gone. Maybe there were no feelings. Maybe I made them all up in my head.

“And through it all

How could you cry for me?

Cause I don’t feel bad about it

So shut your eyes

Kiss me goodbye

And sleep, just sleep..

The hardest part is letting go of your dreams.”

I’m doing my best not to cry because I’ve cried too much lately and I want to be strong. I can’t keep going on crying every two days. I feel too much. All the hurt, pain and sorrow overwhelms me. I can’t cry hard enough, no matter how much comes out its not enough. If the Boi only knew how many tears were spilt with him in my heart. I think he’d be shocked.

But then, he’s not a sympathetic man. He’s a man consumed by pride. Thats why we will never speak again. We both know it. Three days is too long. Our fights are always resolved within minutes. He will think in his head that its me who threw him away, and maybe he’s right. He will get anger from that and it will help him to be stubborn. Maybe thats what is needed. Everything happens for a reason, after all. Better to bow out now with pride intact than to fall.

Its the end of me and the Boi.

“When after all this time that you still owe

You’re still the good for nothing I don’t know

So take your gloves and get out

Better get out while you can

When you go would you even turn to say

I don’t love you like I did yesterday..”

Tags: fight, friends, heartbreak, love, sadness, silence, sorrow