“Spirituality means waking up. Most people, even though they don’t know it, are asleep. They’re born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep without ever waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence. You know— all mystics— Catholic, Christian, non-Christian, no matter what their theology, no matter what their religion— are unanimous on one thing: that all is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well. Strange paradox, to be sure. But, tragically, most people never get to see that all is well because they are asleep. They are having a nightmare.” -Anthony De Mello
While my Dad roams India, riding motorbikes through the countryside and reading De Mello, I’ve been left watching the autumn rain fall in Melbourne without my favourite philosopher to muse with. The old man is having a blast, he keeps sending me emails telling me how much I’m going to love it, as if I’ve already made concrete plans to go. I can see him retiring there, chatting with the gurus and growing his beard and nails long. Bartering for bananas in the markets.
I wish I had the strength to take myself out of this mind frame where people’s opinions and relationships rule my life. Its not that I’m not strong, its just being able to disassociate with my ego thats the problem. I can’t help to smile from a compliment or frown at an insult. I know my Dad would tell me I’m being silly to let others have those puppet strings, to let them pull and play at me when they like. I want to be able to watch the scene from above without letting them get a rise out of me. It would be awesome to be unaffected by the words people speak. Because when you think about it, its all a manipulation. Give a compliment to make someone happy, acknowledging the fact that you hold the key to their contentment. I must stop playing into these social games of tit for tat. I know better than that.
I also know my last post wasn’t right. Look at my bitterness. As if I deserved to own him. How would I feel to be owned? Love is not ownership, its loving someone enough to leave them be. To watch and admire their character without ever wanting to interfere with it. To look at someone without holding expectations of them, and loving them despite any ‘mistakes’ they make. What are mistakes? Socially unacceptable behaviours? Who writes these rules, and who am I adhering to? Its ridiculous how we constantly look to others for the nod of approval. We are all human, everyone is bound to disappoint everyone one day. Even my dear old Dad will someday hurt my feelings and I will hurt his. As much as I don’t want this to happen, I have to let go of it because I’m not perfect and it is inevitable.
What I’ve been trying to do lately is look around with dying eyes. Not as in morbid thoughts of my own death but more like the concept. It helps me to appreciate properly. I think I’m a much nicer and happier person because of it. It makes me smile to sit with my Mum and have a chat and a cup of tea, because I know its those small snippets of gossip time that she enjoys the most, that make her feel connected to my life and mine to hers. Instead of arguing with people when they get frustrated and bait me, I let it go and don’t say anything. They will make up their own minds on how to treat me, but I don’t need an apology. Sorry is just a word, isn’t it? Another of those people pleasing phrases.
I miss them, my old friends, and it makes me tear up remembering good times, but lately I’ve found good times can be anytime you want them to be. Watching the leaves fall while you walk through the city streets with a friend, clutching a coffee, can be a good time. I’m getting enjoyment out of the silliest things now, like my kitten pouncing around the lounge room like one of those cartoon lambs. Its too cute, who knows what creature he is imagining stalking him.
One day he will forget that life was this fun.
“Good to be here
Time to be alone
I’ve found a space where I belong
Not succumb to fear
Coz everyday is all there is
In my some kind of bliss..”
Tags: dad, De Mello, fun, happiness, India, life, melbourne, philosophy
May 8, 2008 at 9:40 pm |
I was really sick onetime and thought that i might not survive, so i tried to let go of my ego and just be a passing wave on an endless ocean.
You know, so it wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t alive anymore.
It didn’t help.
Or maybe i wasn’t doing it right.
I think letting go of one’s ego – if one is a westerner, at least – is just about the hardest thing that one can do.
But then, i’ve never given birth. I hear that’s pretty demanding.
May 8, 2008 at 10:55 pm |
Its good to see you didn’t die.. this ego thing is always a struggle, maybe you’re right about the westerner thing. After all we base our existence around our possessions and our status in the hierarchy.