Fade Into The Background

“Its a little too late for you to come back

Say its just a mistake

Think I’d forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong..”

I ran into the Boi when I was out last weekend. It was such a shock to see him, I nearly fell over (of course I may have been a little tipsy). The weirdest thing was it was like we’d never stopped speaking, even though we both knew we’d had a huge ‘fight’. We just fell back into that same old thing, same conversations, just a little more meaning behind everything that was said. I couldn’t help but to be happy to see him again.

We got to talking about my sister India, and her failing relationship, and how her and her man had to grow out of each other and move on. And suddenly without realising it, we were talking about us, but through them. He thinks I left because I found someone, and in a way thats easier for him to believe. I didn’t have the heart to correct him. He would always disappear when I had boyfriends so in a way it was just the same old thing to him, except I initiated it, and I didn’t call to check up on him.

He said to me, “Its easier for your sis to leave if she has someone to move on to, otherwise you dwell and miss the company.” And I said “Yeah, its less sad that way. It fills the gap. Unless you’re the other one.” Then he just looked at me real sad and goes “If you’re him its bad, but to find out its even worse, because after that it just adds salt to the wound, to just be replaced.” I said “Well, he always knew it was going to happen, because he wasn’t ready to take that position.” And he goes “Maybe he knew, but its another thing accepting.” So I looked him straight in the eye and said, “It would be hard and I feel for him. He’s a good guy. But he has to move on too and make his own life.”

“She’s with somebody else

And now all I can do is smile

And fade into the background

I’ll say congratulations and

I’ll fade into the background..”

Thats probably the most he’s ever said to me about us, and he did it without ever saying anything. It actually shocked me he was even that forward with it, but I suppose after not speaking to me for however long its been he decided he had to say something. Its all smoke and mirrors with him, never up front, never telling me how he feels. And maybe its my fault. Maybe its my coldness that prevents him from being fully comfortable talking about feelings. He’ll never say more than that and he only said it because I’m truly leaving.

Its good to be the one to go, so he could see that I’m strong too. Its comforting to at least know I did affect him, in the end. Its shocking to know he’s really struggling with me leaving. But its been a long time and we’ve been through a lot. He couldn’t get over it after I hurt him and messed up what could have been. He just couldn’t get past it and thats it. He loved me the best way he could manage, by being my best friend and constant companion, by always making time for me and holding me above the rest. If I couldn’t have his heart, he at least gave me the next best thing, the position of his main girl.

“Don’t treat me to the things of the world

I’m not that kind of girl

Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here’s a man that makes me then takes me

And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond

Pull me into your arms

Say I’m the one you want

If you don’t, you’ll be alone

And like a ghost I’ll be gone..”

He sent me a message the other day that just said “Obama!” and it made me smile. Its hard not to miss a best friend, especially when they pull out the old private jokes or a movie you watched together comes on. But so what? I did that for years, it doesn’t change anything. We’re not the same people we used to be and deep down I knew he’d miss me. I guess I just thought that by now I would be past missing him back.

I will speak to him maybe once more, I’ll make sure it ends good and give him everything he deserves. He’s an amazing man who taught me so much. I’m so grateful. I think he helped me to be a real woman. I love him, but like a brother now. Its all between us, just me and him.. Its all private, its our secret. No one but the Luli and the Boi will ever truly know what we had. I hope he gets the love he deserves. And even though I’ve chosen not to be Muslim, I hope he finds paradise. I feel at peace with our end. Goodbye, my Boi.

“They’re a part of the list

Things that I missed

Things like your funny little laugh

Or the way you smile or the way we kiss

What I notice is this

I’ve come up with

Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce..”

Tags: friends, friendship, i miss you, life, love, memories, missing you, relationships, sad, the boi