Can’t Sleep

I got this yearning and aching

Won’t let me sleep tonight

Rolling and turning around my bed

Close my eyes and visualize instead

All I want to do is sleep

But my dreams no longer satisfy

I know what I’m longing for

To feel what’s been denied

Ambition and hope in my lifetime

Achieve status and honor for pride

It slips away and dissipates

Because all I can think of is why

My mind is so troubled at night

How long will I distract myself

Til I collapse into a slumber

The hours grow long and longer

Nothing deepens but a hunger

Only thing that works is vodka

Numbs an over thinking mind

Step over the mines that lay inside

Forget the weakness that I hide

I’m just an empty heart.

 

bedtime.jpg

 

I really can’t sleep. This is like the problem that never goes away. I think people who can’t sleep eventually go crazy. Luckily for me sometimes I can tire myself into just conking out, but alcohol works best. You just know after a couple you will be right.

But what is it that stops me from just relaxing my head so it can rest? Its everything and nothing. Micromanagement of my life. Scrutinizing all the little details that you just know other people have forgotten. Like that time you fell over.. Well, you’re clumsy. People who know you will know that. And the others- who cares what they think? 90% of the time you’re ok. Stop beating yourself up over it.

Another thing, you’re not perfect. You never will be so give up already. You’re always going to fuck up and so will all the people you hold so dearly to you. Because no-one can be good forever, and everyone will disappoint you, even your best mate. So just love them for what they are, and get over the unrealistic expectations of people.

These days nobody wants to be a pioneer. Thats what I don’t understand. Whats so bad about being slightly abnormal? I’ve been it all my life, without meaning to. I can’t help but to think differently.. My ideas make sense in my head, so they can’t be wrong. It was years before i stepped back and realized how different i was though.. Here I was all along, trying to fit in and I so wasn’t there. Not even slightly.

If you asked me to describe myself I would probably say thoughtful, relaxed, calm, logical.. I’ve got this picture in my head of me as some docile angel, she does no wrong, she sees the picture in all its entirety and she can judge it perfectly. I look a little something like this:

 

first-angel.jpg

 

See how lovely and brilliantly I shine?

But, when you talk to my sister the picture becomes a little different. She grew up with me, and she has seen me from all angles. Of all people, she alone can see exactly what I am. Of course, she has her bias. Nevertheless, to her the main word to describe me is unstable. And emotional, stubborn, self-conscious, moody and jaded. Her picture of me is more similar to this:

 

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Who shot down the pretty angel? But seriously, my sister is a social worker.. She sees me as a mess she can fix one day.

Family know you best, right? I guess it depends on the angle you view me on.. Personally, yeah there is that side to me, I can admit it. But its not so sombre and depressed as all of that. I’m more of a fighter, and a pusher of boundaries. I’m the one who’s up for a drink on a Monday! I stay up having fun all night, I’m single forever and always on the look out for an attractive distraction. Its not my fault my friends are all couples who have been together for a million years and look at me as the child who won’t grow up and settle down. I’m still young..

 

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I’m just a gypsy really.

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