Fighting The AM

It’s interesting to be awake at this hour, ten of the AM. I try to avoid the AM at all costs unless forced into it by uni or work, or something equally as depressing, a hangover. The latter is todays case. Its just that I don’t think the AM has much to offer me. Sure, the shops are open, but is anyone in them?

Thankfully, I can remember most of what I did last night so I can be confident that a bout of the guilts won’t bring me down today. I’ve spent many an hour laying in bed wishing I hadn’t spoken ever in my life. Last night I think I was ok though, I could have even be considered loudly demure.

This is an area I am an expert of, the hangover. I think that with such knowledge comes a certain responsibility, to educate and help others, like batman. Though he mostly educates with his fists. Nevertheless, we must push on.

Awakening In The AM

As terrible as this is to say, you will be waking up early. Its got something to do with the water in your body running out. My dad also told me its when the alcohol finally wears off. To combat this, one must rehydrate themselves as well as they can, get back into bed and sleep that dirty AM off.

The Shakes

If you’ve got the shakes, like I do right now, its safe to assume you haven’t slept long enough. Don’t worry what the time is, get back into bed and force yourself until you wake up without them. Trust me, its the only way. The shakes is pretty much one step away from being violently ill of the mouth in the bathroom. I hate being violently ill of the mouth, but for research purposes, and for the people, I’m willing to go on and write. They won’t be able to say I never did my part for humanity.

Headachey / Gong of Death Pounding In The Brain Cavity

The alcohol has drained all your body water, in some magical way. I don’t know how this happens, only that it does and thats enough for me. You need hydration, perhaps also ibuprofen. In an everyday situation all you will have around is water, which works fine. For the elite there is Powerade. I’m an advocate for red, but I guess any color can be effective. What they won’t tell you about Powerade is that its formulated for athletes to hydrate them fast. This means super effectiveness. Now that I’ve told you the secret, you would be crazy not to take advantage of its powers. Once hydration is taken care of, go back to bed.

General Queasiness Yet Unexplainable Hunger

If you’re having trouble deciding whether to be violently ill of the mouth or stuff yourself with food, then your body is just trying to figure out how to get rid of the alcohol in your bloodstream the fastest. Option number A will be the most efficient solution and its only a matter of time before your body cottons on to this. The best thing to do is get back into bed and sleep it off. When you have awoken eat something greasy to soak up any remaining alcohol-blood cells. I recommend KFC twister combos. You get the freshness of the lettuce, tomato and pita bread but with the added goodness/oiliness of the chicken and chips. And pepsi, which is arguably way better than coke, where can you go wrong (note that this is counteractive to your hydration efforts)?

The Guilts

This is the worst part of a hangover, remembering all the dumb shit you did/said the night before. Things that seem ok in the real world transform themselves brutally in the hangover world. There are only two ways to cure yourself of this terrible feeling. The first is actually preemptive, it involves trying not to do or say silly things while in the drunken state. Some argue this preemptive method is BS, as who could stop themselves in that essence of being? Others say it can be done. I have not yet met these drunken Jedi, but their existence is whispered on the winds, I know they’re out there. The other way is to somehow see those things as they are, silly little things lost in time and memory. Life will go on, but get back into bed and have a sleep to be on the safe side.

3 O’clock Sads

Unavoidable. You may not have noticed yet, but around this hour you will start feeling pretty sad. I think its just a come down from the joy of the previous night. No one knows why its at 3pm, my theory is that 3am was probably the peak of your enjoyment the night before and so its natural opposite must occur twelve hours later, as is sciences way. I could explain it to you deeper, but its all physics and I’m not gonna bore my seven readers into abandoning me. Try to watch an uplifting movie around this time, or sit outside in the sun and look into the sky, remembering that many others in the world have it much worse than you do. Out there, some people are spending their hangover in the bathroom.

Hopefully I have enlightened you all to a better way. Maybe in time you could progress even further by actually being productive on a hangover day. Don’t get your hopes up though, that shits unlikely. I wish I could end this by telling you all I’m crawling back into bed to sleep, but sadly my partner in crime has come over (my sister) and she needs me to accompany her for some hangover food. Sigh.

Oh I almost forgot. NEVER toast your twister. Something that seems like a good idea should never taste that wrong. And those new flavours look shit, huh? Just keep it simple, you don’t want to be too ambitious. Anyway, good luck you crazy drinkers!


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6 Responses to “Fighting The AM”

  1. gullybogan Says:

    Hydration is really the key to success when it comes to preparing yourself to recover from alcohol poisoning. The alcohol is a diuretic, which, using the magic of chemistry, dries out your brain, causing it to actually swell up.

    Hence the headaches.

    Almost all of the hangover that most ppl experience is to do with dehydration and general fatigue. I learnt this was true when i started stopping drinking when i went out, so that i could drive ppl home. The next morning, i’d still wake up feeling 70% hungover because i was fatigued and dehydrated – i hadn’t drunk anything, not even water.

    Thankfully, the gastrointestinal convulsions that you get from poisoning yourself with alcohol was missing, so that was a bonus.

    I find that if you make sure you drink in moderation, drink at least as much water as alcohol, and make sure your tummy’s full before you start the evening, you can get away with just a mild headache and ringing in the ears from al those Fresh House Beats.

  2. LuLi Says:

    How curious to feel a hangover without having drank anything! I would feel so cheated..

  3. rayedish Says:

    This post was very enjoyable, I’ve been there enough times to know exactly what your talking about, but perhaps you need to address the eternal problem of how to get yourself presentable for a day at work when one is extremely hungover and not able to avoid the AM. Nurofen helps, another approach, I used to take was not going to bed at all, don’t think I could pull that one off anymore. Another helpful tip is to avoid small children, they do tend to clash badly with hang overs.

  4. LuLi Says:

    Not going to bed at all! You live on the edge.. If I was doing that I’d probably have to find a way to keep drinking and delay the hangover til after work. Small children can be quite bad.. A couple of hangovers ago I had a family function, and children are naturally drawn to me for some reason. Any how, pretty sure there are some upset relatives at me for snapping at them. In my defense, they were saying I have ugly hair. No one likes to hear that.

  5. The Editor Says:

    Ugh. I hate the guilts.

  6. LuLi Says:

    Yeah, the guilts can sometimes leave me paralysed an entire day. I’m working on trying not to be so dumb whilst drunk, but once you pass a certain point as you know, all bets are off.

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