You’re A Mess Woman

I’m probably the most awkward person I know. I always manage to find some way to look like a goose and embarrass myself in front of strangers. Apart from the obvious clumsiness which my friends find constant amusement in, as good as my intentions may be I’m awesome at saying the completely wrong thing.

Today’s example was in my exam, I was running late and burst into the room. Seeing that all desks were full, I ran outside to the other entrance of the same room but realised there was a partition and nothing was set up in there. So I ran back to the other door where my lecturer, who was reading out instructions, asked me to stop running around and stay put and that he would fix me a desk soon. My cheeks burned as a hundred heads turned to look at who this impatient run arounderer was. Then everyone got to watch me do the walk of lateness shame when the teacher insisted I sit right up the front, beside his very own desk. From this angle he could see my every pen marking, and I’m sure would have been frowning with disapproval at my mistakes. Dammit.

Another cringer was when I was about 8 or something, I was at a christening and I asked my childless aunt when she was going to pop one out. She began to cry. I later found out that she can’t have children. God, I hate remembering that.

The other day I was at the supermarket and the guy asked me what I wanted and I said “Good thanks mate, how are you?”. We both noticed it, and tried to ignore it, but because I knew he noticed it I kept stuttering like a fool. I even shook my head at myself. Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m the one you can count on to fall over during a night out. I don’t need to be drunk. It always ends in tears, ruined stockings and much laughter (from others). My knees constantly have scabs from this. One time it was right in front of my ex, who I’d done so well to make jealous by hugging a guy friend in front of him and being dressed up to the best of my ability. It all went to shit!

One of my favourites is when I was still working in the city and catching the train. I’d been trying to get up the nerve to talk to Train Boi, a god on earth, who I would casually look at, who would also casually look at me just a second or two longer than was normal. He was sitting facing me but there was a row in front of him, but I was almostly directly in his line of sight. Anyway I caught him looking at me so I was like awesome, I’m going to smile at him. Instead I looked at him, turned to the window, and smiled at the window. Wack! I always wonder what he thought when he watched me do that. I’m sure it would have looked psycho neurotic weirdo. Or maybe to him it looked smug, like ‘ha, you’re looking at me.’ Who smiles out a window?

“I thought I took one step

I took two back

I’m not even close this time and thats a fact

All I know is that we’d be a perfect match

So where you at love?

I just gotta find you, yeah..

I wanna know, I wanna know your name

Your name, your name..

Why you gotta be anonymous?”

Oh another time, we were actually almost sitting next to each other when this blonde, tall, amazing chick sits between us. I’m cursing hard. It gets better. My stop is before his so I get up to leave, but its just before the train breaks and when it does I’m caught off guard. I fall onto the seats in front of us, much like a goon.

People like me should be neutered at birth so we can’t contaminate the rest of the population.

Tags: awkward, clumsy, damn my life i'm such a fool, embarrassing, fall, idiot, stupid