Archive for October, 2008

Miss You, Love You, Peace Be With You

October 29, 2008

My grandmother died yesterday morning. My mother woke me up to tell me and I just said “fuck”, but in the way where you mean “God dammit”. I knew it was coming because she’d been deteriorating fast these last couple of weeks so at the start it didn’t hit me. Then I thought of the date and I thought, ‘the 28th of October is always going to be the day she died from now on’, and that made me cry. Then I thought of Dad.

He’s in India for work at the moment and all I really want to do is hug him, because I know he would be struggling, but I can’t. My dad is emotional like me, or I’m emotional because he is, and he pretends he doesn’t need support but deep down he does and he wants it, but would never ask. We had a horrible couple of hours trying to get through to him, its Hindu Christmas over there or something, and I was frantic because I thought maybe he thought we didn’t care enough to call, and felt alone. Theres always this thing in the back of his head where he thinks we don’t care anymore, or we don’t need him since the divorce, it always plays on his mind. He knows its wrong but its his fear. So I was really freaking out trying to get to him.

He said he was okay though, it won’t hit him till he gets closer. I know he’s just frontin because its hit me already and I have only a fraction of the bond he had with her. She had a pretty tough life, she had to quit school at twelve, then she got married and worked on a farm raising nine kids. She had domestic troubles with her husband and they eventually divorced. My dad has father issues because he was one of the younger ones, and was around when the fights broke out, and naturally tried to step in and defend her. He hated his dad, but he loved his dad, and they had a fucked up relationship because of all that shit. It plagues him and he can’t move on from it because he died years ago and they never talked it out. He still can’t watch father-son movies because they make him tear up, and he’s a man who never cries.

Anyway she had to move off of the farm because she couldn’t look after the whole thing herself because she’s not an army, but she did damn well for one woman. She was always really tough and strong, she worked hard her whole life. She was pretty strict too, but I remember the older she got the more relaxed she was, and she was the best story teller. She would pick up her trinkets and tell us where she got them, and she loved kinder surprises. She’d make the toys and put them in her cabinet with the rest of her story props. She gave me a little porcelain seahorse, that I can’t find now, and a tin with pictures of beagles on the lid because she knew I liked them because I had one. And she’d always give us kids five bucks each when we came to see her, which was heaps back then, to buy ice cream or lollies at the shop.

In the end she developed dementia, she couldn’t live by herself. It was a big kerfuffle within the family because we didn’t want to put her in a home, and I don’t know all the details, but I think some of the pushy ones bullied the weaker ones into signing her up without everyones consent. I remember one particular aunt was thought of as close to the devil for a while, but then my grandmother got a lot worse and we just concentrated on making sure she was comfortable. Not long after, she didn’t know where she was or who we were, and I know that really upset dad a lot. She steadily deteriorated until finally yesterday she passed. She was 92.

Love you Granny. You deserved a better life.

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Whose Australia Is This?

October 27, 2008

SBS plans to show a documentary on the deaths of 20 refugees who were killed by the Taliban after being turned away by the Australian government after spending time in the camps. They were told they had to either leave, or remain in the camps forever. The documentary will be aired on November 19.

Living in an area with a lot of resettled Sudanese families, I often encounter a lot of racism and prejudice from my friends and people I run into, angry that they should be allowed to ‘just come in here’. My sister’s boyfriend’s father is from Nigeria, and went through the struggle of migrating to Australia back in the seventies, when racism was much more open, and even he ignores his fathers obviously similar story and thinks that they should be sent home and not allowed in. I know the population is largely uneducated when it comes to refugees and the war torn countries they are escaping, but I am seriously sickened by the lack of compassion in regards to them.

When a refugee is coming to be resettled in an environment where they don’t know the language, or understand the culture, it can often be quite daunting and overwhelming. Add in that the majority of the population doesn’t want you there and treats you like a criminal. On top of this, they are coming from countries where one or more of their immediate family may have been killed, a lot of the time in front of them, or they have been tortured, or their houses destroyed and communities disbanded. They have spent time in an Australian refugee camp, which is often just as bad as the country they came from, with bashings and rape and shitty living conditions. A lot of them are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

I know this is a play on your own emotions by trying to personalise their stories, but if that doesn’t hit you in the guts and make you feel sick, then fuck. What kind of person are you that color of someones skin affects whether or not you feel empathy? Even after I explained these factors into possibly a reason why the Sudanese act strangely (aside from the fact they have an entirely different culture) my friends were still unfeeling in regards to their pain. The refugees are not criminals trying to ‘jump the queue’. They are survivors of war and genocide, running from a country that would have killed them if they stayed.

Who owns this country anyway? How much do we have to pay to make it okay to migrate? Last I heard, moving countries was free, apart from visa fees and air tickets. What makes a second generation Australian, like my sisters boyfriend, any more of an Australian than the new migrants? What gives him more of a right to be here, keeping in mind that if the new migrant had a child they would be the same status as himself? We are not a white colony that allows other races to come and pay their way to enjoy our resources and work our coal mines. We are a multicultural country, where 20% of the population is born overseas. We all migrated at some stage and we have been shaped by the contributions of each and every minority to our developing nation. The White Australia policy was overturned decades ago for good reason.

Its also interesting to note that some 41% of illegal immigrants in Australia are white anglo visa over stayers from the UK or New Zealand, and not in fact Sudanese refugees or Asians as the media would have us believe. You see they make us fear the different, and the unknown. They keep us in a state of anxiety because we make stupider and more illogical decisions that way, and are more likely to be swept up in the media frenzy and get behind the populist, racist, prejudiced and discriminatory policies. The current anti terrorism campaign and the propaganda from during the World Wars were made for the same reason and serve the same purpose, to make you fear your neighbour, especially if he looks different to you.

We might be refugees too one day, especially seeing as global warming is creating a more volatile mother nature, with her tsunamis and hurricanes. Wouldn’t you want someone to be sympathetic to your plight?

Don’t Censor My Intarwebs!

October 24, 2008

The push for filtering on the internet worries me. It has been criticised as worse than Iran’s own system and has been based around this whole scare tactic notion of child pornography (or CP). I don’t want a filter, but that doesn’t mean I can be accused of wanting or supporting CP, I just don’t think a content ban is the way to stop it. Especially when it is a censor that we can’t opt out of, as initially claimed.

The first tier of blocks is on CP and on ‘all other illegal’ sites and you can’t opt out of it. The second is on material ‘not deemed suitable for children’. The blocks are also not accurate and once a site is gone you probably can’t get it back. Also they slow your internet connection by up to 86%. I already hate my goddamn internet connection speeds, and I have the fastest you can get. I was waiting for the government to make good on its better broadband promise, if I had of known I was voting for censorship of my only source of media they can’t get their hands on (or so I thought) I wouldn’t have voted for them. And now I can’t remember if I voted for Greens or Labor, I know I voted Greens in the Senate. Fuck.

The internet, unlike movies and the news in Australia, is the only thing we have that is completely free, and fair in that we can all set up our own space to make our voices heard. Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean I don’t want to read about it. Plus the Australian government isn’t exactly the most fair and neutral judge, what about the anti-Asia thing where Howard wanted to restrict immigration. Or the anti-terror thing where Muslims were targeted and all you had to look was ‘suspicious’ (read: have a beard or hijab) to get arrested. I’m an internet user but for writing this post I’d be accused a CP defender.

I’d love to be able to blame porn for all of this. It seems like with porn, it can’t just stay at one level. It has to get worse and weirder till finally you hit beastiality, midgets and the illegal shit like CP. But when people get the most of their content from peer to peer programs which can’t be blocked, the idea of a content ban becomes useless. I’m pretty sure the best programmers in Australia will be figuring out the way around it within minutes of it being administered and I’m confident that I could find a way to illegally get it off, but why should I have to?

I don’t campaign for terrorism, but I want to read about it. I want to read from sources that disagree with my government, because the only way to keep a government fair and democratic is to constantly question it. I already have a heavily biased media that I ignore, don’t take away the only thing I use for fair and balanced news. Even if the sites I visit aren’t balanced, they at least offer a different viewpoint I can think about. I want to make up my own mind on what content I will filter. I want my freedom to read whatever the fuck I want to read! Are they going to start banning novels now too? A lot of books write about murder, drug use, CP, terrorism blah, blah, and are still essential reads by brilliant authors.

What stops them from blocking things that aren’t exactly illegal but disagree with their own viewpoint and encourage ‘dissent’? Its only a matter of time before they start blocking socialist or radical political sites, unions and activists. We’re the ones with our heads on the chopping blocks here, the ones who will speak out against the hypocrisy and the corruption. If you ran a country and could figure out a way to silence those who opposed you, wouldn’t you do it? Iran did, China did.. Australia too? The internet is the only thing we have to get out our views, Allah knows we won’t see it on Today Tonight. It provides a quick and easy way to get our opinions heard to a mass audience (even if the hits aren’t there we still have the possibility of hits, amirite?).

Fucking hell, another reason to hate Rudd! If I did vote for him.. I have a feeling I voted Greens because Labor & Liberal had the same policies.. but if I did, I never will again! Can we organise a protest? All us little nerdy internet users marching down the street with our star wars & pokemon paraphernalia, puffing on our inhalers and adjusting our coke bottle lenses to the attack of actual sunlight would be a sight to see. I’m down, if anyone’s organising. This shit just got real.

For The Good Fight

October 22, 2008

I woke up today, ready to rage it out with TDW over the price of porn in China, but instead was happily surprised in receiving my first blog award! Andy bestowed this honour upon me, and I couldn’t be more touched, especially since he is a favourite of my own as well. In fact he is truly someone who I would add friend alongside his fellow blogger title in my head.

I’m officially a Superior Scribbler! Thanks Andy, you’re a gem. And any of you who haven’t taken to the time to have a read of him should definitely go on over to The Bullhorn, he’s guaranteed to make you laugh at his sarcastic view of the world. But he also knows how to throw down argument-stylez with the best of them, so if I were you I’d avoid a debate. I only just made it away intact last time. But for such a surly man of hilarious swearing, he has a heart of mushy gold, and he lets it shine through sometimes when he’s caught off guard.. Haha! I see it Andy! You’re a gun.

The Superior Scribbler Award was created by Melissa over at The Scholastic Scribe. I’m rapt to get this award and take on its responsibilities, which are to pick my top 5 bloggers who deserve to win and pass on the award myself. These top bloggers will become part of the secret blog society and in turn have to take their part of the rules and responsibilities, including picking 5 bloggers of their own.

Of course, as with every Bloggy Award, there are A few Rules. They are, forthwith:

  • Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
  • Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
  • Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

So without much further ado, I give you my 5 Top Bloggers. Please note that I ummed and ahhed over this for a long time, and it was very hard to narrow it down, especially when someone I would have picked myself couldn’t be added because he’d already gotten one! But in the end I decided on the five people who are not only favourites to me, but also in some way fighting the good fight. Whether that be in their own house, council area, country or sometimes against the whole world. You kids inspire me to stop looking at my own stupid girl shit for a while and think about whats happening in the real world.

The newest Super Scribbler Award winners are:

TDW aka This Devil’s Workday aka TD Dubz (as in rollin in on em!)

Of all my bloggy friends I’d have to say TDW is my closest, and he’s also my biggest rival. We’re the same age, same kind of lives, same values (almost) and often writing about the same things (but trying to out-do the other). He fights the good fight way more than me though, nearly all his posts are to do with some issue or another, and often put way more eloquently than I could have done (hi, I swear a lot). If anyone deserves this, its him. His constant dedication to reason and compassion have turned his blog into an amazing piece of work that anyone (especially me) would be proud to call their own, I’m proud to be his friend and consider him my partner in crime (against blog evilry!).

Wendy aka Thoughts In My Pants aka ‘The Skeleton’

Wendy gurl is only 18, and if she is an example of the youth of today then I am proud to call myself an Australian. She is a staunch feminist and fights through her writing, not only for women, but as a proud gay activist. When I read her posts I always wonder why I wasn’t as smart at her age (and hate my younger self for knowing nothing of feminism!). She is also a hilarious mofo, full of funny calls and spirited writing, and I’d be proud to go into blogging battles with her by my side, against all the evil blog spawn! Wendy, you’re amazing, you definitely deserve this nomination.

Ray aka Alpine Opinion aka Dixon the Destroyer of Dumb Demonstrators (Save Bright!)

Ray is always fighting for what he believes in, and not in the way that most of us do, with only a comment every month or so disagreeing with us. Ray fights in the face of an entire activist group, hell bent on keeping the town of Bright from growing through squashing the endeavours of aspiring shops (and thus keeping their businesses secure). These mofos battle with Ray every single day, trolling his posts and hijacking threads with nonsense and tomfoolery. His unwavering courage and patience are tribute to his character and I’m proud to have him on my blogroll and in these nominations. Good on you Ray, your hard work does not go unnoticed.

Gully aka GullyBogan aka ‘The Real Australia’

Gully is someone you just have to go read, if not to find out something interesting, than to have a giggle at his dry, witty humour that is sometimes so subtle you could miss it! Gully fights for the average Australian everywhere, in their moccos and flannelette shirts, and still comes off having class. His story is one of the average eastern Melbournite, that could easily be relateable to any suburban Aussie, and he is always musing on the daily habits we take for granted. Some examples are getting to see our Mrs wash the car in her bikini or taking part in the all-Australian ute festivals and rally car racing events. He’s always fighting for the average man, and as an average girl, I salute you. Good work Gully.

Rayedish aka The Radical Radish aka The Woman Who Does It All (Career, kids, life, feminism)

Rayedish doesn’t get to indulge us in her posts as much lately, because of her busy schedule teaching uni kids and being a mum, but once her plate gets a little less full I’m sure she will be back in full force. Her writing is always a perfect example of the post you want to write for your cause, ie. well thought out, reads beautifully, argued to perfection and she comes off as a likable author. I always know I will learn a lot about feminism or motherhood or whatever she chooses to write about that day when I visit her blog. As a woman active in the fight against patriarchy she is a great role model and I think she definitely deserves this award.

So, honourable mention goes to ClubWah (a journalist who fights constantly and courageously for the left), Domino (who fights the daily battles that High School dish out on the psyche), Grodscorp (a team of witty, funny and smart ‘small l’ liberals), Audrey (arguably one of the best feminist writers of our bloggy generation) and Tom (a new addition to the blogroll, but definitely quite a fighter). If you’re on my blogroll, then I think you’re definitely a voice that needs to be heard. You kids are great and always entertaining. Sorry I couldn’t pick you, it makes me sad.

Anyway, I’m honoured to be both a part of this award and part of the fight with the rest of the crew. I think its important that we support each other and do our best to keep our principles intact, because we all know that theres a lot of people out there who would love to take them away from us.

“You can drop me anywhere and I’ll make it, yeah

I’m a fighter

Been to hell and back and I’m still here, yeah

I’m a fighter

Come from an army of soldiers

I’m a fighter

I can make it happen anywhere!”

Google All Over Me!

October 20, 2008

My mother plans out Sunday dinners so that they’re ready just before Sixty Minutes starts, and she can watch while she eats. I like to sit at the table for my dinner so I have a perfect view unintentionally (thats my story and I’m sticking to it! Its my mum who watches!). Last night there was an ‘expose’ on the thriving internet porn business.

This segment went for about 20 minutes, while they harped on and on about how profitable and mainstream porn was these days, and how terrible it was that sex sells. All the while including shots of girls dancing around in their underwear, stripping, sliding around poles wearing as little as possible. Did the sex ‘sell’ itself for your ratings Sixty Minutes? I honestly didn’t need to see a 19 year old girl ‘wink’ at me (as Roy and HG would put it) during my evening meal.

And its little back and forths like this that really got my blood flowing:

KIKI VIDIS: It makes me feel good about myself, because I never used to be this confident at all, I was always just so put down by boys especially.

LIAM BARTLETT: And you’d hope to make a lot of money out of it?

KIKI VIDIS: Oh it’s not really money that I’m after. It’s more that I just like men kind of ‘googling’ over me. Stick it in the little USB slot…

LIAM BARTLETT: And they can Google all over Kiki within minutes.

Yes indeed, wouldn’t I just love to google all over Kiki. Fucking revolting. Maybe I just read between the lines too much, but that made me choke on my chicken in disgust. The closest they came to even making a statement in between footage of topless chicks and porno intros (you know, the cheesy scene setting before the clothes come off) was interviewing a school girl who thought that it made men act less intimately and more like they were in a porno during sex.

Their ‘expert’ was a psychologist and sex writer by the name of Holly Hill who divulged that her and her partner would be ‘having a good time’ that night, and that he swooned her on their first date with a candle light dinner and some porn on the tv. Oh, and that she’s basically an enabler who encourages her man with his extensive porn collection, but I guess thats just me reading between the lines again. Here’s a nice quote from her:

HOLLY HILL: Men are creatures of their chemicals and when we expect them to cross their legs for the entire duration of their relationships and not watch things like pornography. It’s extraordinarily naive and goes completely against their natural hard-wiring.

Poor men and their chemicals! They’re just slaves to their own sexual bodies, how can we expect them to control themselves when faced with something of an arousing nature? How dare we expect they just ‘cross their legs’ and wait until we are ready for sexual intimacy? With women walking around in their short skirts all the time, practically teasing them! One should never be as stupid as to think they can actually choose whether or not to be aroused, or that they are in any way responsible for these feelings that we women are so obviously pushing upon them. I mean, why else does rape happen if not provoked by the woman herself? If anything, more porno would mean less rape right? Because sex is so readily available, and not because porn is detrimental to respect for women or anything.

After googling ‘Holly Hill’ I found out that it was a pseudonym for a book she wrote, where she advertised in the paper for a sugar daddy to be their ‘sugababe’. So they pay her for sex with gifts. What an awesome premise for a book, being a whore and then writing about it! Thats not cliched at all! Check out some of the hilarious commenters who called her on her bullshit here. I tried to find her real name, but alas, she is a crafty one.

I kept waiting for the professional case worker or anyone at all who would have a negative viewpoint to discuss, but I guess they just ran out of time, right? The perpetuating of negative attitudes towards women and sexual exploitation isn’t very important anyway. I’m kind of glad I got to see that the porn actress makes a lot of money and her mum is proud that at the age of 19 she just completed 32 hardcore movies in only two months. Like, its not even a bad thing to reduce yourself to just a vessel for a man to google all over. Plus think of the boost to my obviously fucked up self esteem! And once I get too old for regular porn I can just mosey on over to ‘mature’ and make some retirement funds. Life is good. Now if only I could get my myspace friends count to over 9000!

KIKI VIDIS: I know it sounds weird. but having all those people searching me and wanting to be my friends and wanting to see more of me, it’s, it’s … not only just the ego boost, it makes me feel wanted, so…

LIAM BARTLETT: It makes you feel good to be part of that scene? To be a celebrity?

KIKI VIDIS: I’m, gosh, I’m not that yet. If I had more than 5,000 friends on MySpace then yeah, I might think so, but I don’t.

Hi, I have self validation issues that drive me to base my worth on how many men want to see my tits. Porn going mainstream has in no way affected this. In fact, I like to think I’ve ‘taken’ my power back via degrading myself on film. But its all just part of this crazy ‘sexual revolution’. Whats your deal?

It’s All Happening Right Now!

October 16, 2008

For those of you who are into the urban scene some of my favourite artists have dropped tracks, albums and clips lately and I just had to share. Ne-Yo’s album Year Of The Gentlemen is out and the tracks I’ve heard are hot, in particular Miss Independent, which is an upbeat track you’ll probably be hearing in the clubs. This album has a dance vibe, but still includes some ballads like Stop This World and Fade Into The Background. There’s also a second part to Miss Independent, She Got Her Own, a remix that features Jamie Foxx and Fabolous and I think is even better than the original. Anyway here’s Miss Independent:

That clip features Keri Hilson, one of the best songwriters in R&B at the moment, who is definitely a hit maker herself. Her album In A Perfect World drops December 9th, but I’ve been waiting for it since July last year. She’s very hot right now and features in tracks by Timbaland, Nas, Lloyd Banks, Xzibit, P Diddy and Snoop Dogg, on the Usher clip Love In This Club, the Nelly clip Party People and has written for Britney Spears (Gimme More), Omarion (Ice Box), Timbaland (The Way I Are, Scream) and many more. I love this chick and just about any track she’s on is awesome, so when I saw that her new song with Chris Brown, Superhuman, had been released (I once declared this track to be my wedding song) I had to share:

But the most exciting news for me is that the new Beyonce album is on its way, via an intriguing PR campaign called Who Is Sasha Fierce? Sasha Fierce of course being her stage alter ego who she has spoken about in maybe a million interviews. There has been rumors that this will be a double cd album, one cd for Bee and one for Sasha. Fuelling this rumor is the fact that Bee dropped two songs and their clips simultaneously, and I’m not complainin! Like Ne-Yo, she is taking a more dance inspired direction with her new music and my favourite of these two is the dancier one Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It). Once I saw the clip I fell in love even more, only Beyonce could make a black and white clip of her and two chicks dancing for the entire song absolutely enthralling (she coulda got Kelly and Michelle for this one couldn’t she? Just sayin).

Her second single, If I Were A Boy, took me a couple of listens to get into, but once I saw the clip I was hooked and I’ve had it on repeat these last couple of days. The clip makes this song so make sure you watch it, although I predict it will probably be on MTV and Channel V for months until its past the point of draining it (kinda like Irreplaceable). Man, after hearing both of these I can’t wait for her album I Am.. to come out next month, Timbaland has produced most of it and she’s been working on it for a year which is the longest she’s ever spent on an album. Its going to be amazing. Here’s If I Were A Boy:

I’m not an expert on many things, but when it comes to R&B I’m the queen bitch. If you liked any of those songs you might also want to get a hold of these tracks: The Truth – K Young, Algebra – Jason DeRulo, The Greatest – Michelle Williams, Energy – Keri Hilson, Crazy Crazy – Q Parker, She’s Like A Star (Remix) – Taio Cruz, Would’ve Been The One – Solange, Rehab – Rihanna, Your Love – Pure, Ghost – Claude Kelly, Hard To Let You Go – Colby Odonis, Take You Down – Chris Brown and Addiction – Ryan Leslie featuring Cassie.

P.S. Heaps of acts are coming to Melb soon, Chris Brown & Rihanna, Kanye West & Nas (Glow In The Dark Tour, sadly without Lupe Fiasco, but I’m still going!) and Snoop Dogg & Ice Cube.. It’s all happening!

Uni Drained It

October 13, 2008

I’m so glad I have one more week left, then I’m on holidays. Today was a shitty day. I had a team presentation on some research project gayness, which I took control of and delegated tasks so that we’d all have equal parts, blah blah, you know how it is. The way it was planned out was that I’d do the intro and then my results, anti-feminist bimbo does her results (how can you be anti-feminist as a woman? Is it even possible? Do you argue for yourself to have less rights? I don’t get it..) and then quiet face does her results and the conclusion. Instead of having an extra talking bit, the bimbo puts it all together on powerpoint, because I hate doing that.

So we’re all happy and its all good, but bimbo sends me the email with no presentation attachment. I think ‘ahh it will be fine’, and just rock up with my notes. I mean she only has to copy and paste, how hard can it be? I put heaps of effort in for once, because I can sometimes get flustered, so I knew at least my part would be awesome. Plus I’m a bit competitive with these things and I wanted to shine compared to bimbo and quiet face.

The bitch barred the fuck out of me! She cut my introduction in half and used my brilliant points for her own speech and mixed the results of all of ours to combine them into one result! She actually said half of my talk for me! What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.. Like before we started she goes, oh about the limitations, I just used yours for the whole results. And I thought she meant she just said in her speech, my limitations were the same as Luli’s (because its the same assignment whatever), but what she meant was, she took my second half of the intro/results, chopped it up and used what she needed!

So, I’m not a fantastic public speaker in the first place because I get nervous and sidetracked, but when I saw my shit was all fucked up I panicked hard! I was a mess up there, goddamnit.. I needed my second half to tie shit together and make it work, without it I sounded like I was too off track, and she fucking took my arguments and said them herself. And all but completely ignored me and quiet face’s results. Of course, she was cool under pressure and delivered her talk perfectly pausing only to shoot me a glance that said ‘We’re cool right? I’m using your shit here and you don’t mind yeah?’.

I was fucking stunned. I wished I had simplified my points so that she couldn’t understand them, but like an idiot I sent her the whole thing. And I just know she’s gonna use all my stuff for the write up, probably in the exact same words, because she’s a whore. And now I look like the stuttering fool, and she’s all on the ball with her social research and FUCK! I’m so cut I actually have tears of frustration.. I HATE HER! I know now at least I could never be a politician, with their calmness under fire and public speechery and such. Probably for the best, you all know I’m no angel.

Then after that in my writing class this chick that I don’t even really like was sitting next to me and we started workshopping her memoir piece. She wrote about her brother dying but it didn’t become apparent that it was a true story until she started crying halfway through reading it. I didn’t know what to do, she was like sobbing beside me, her tears were mussing up all the ink on her page. So I hugged her. I even rubbed her back a bit to sooth her coz she was all gaspy. What do you do? You can’t just let them cry over their sibling in front of you and just look away because its awkward.

It was weird though, and I’m not quite sure if it was inappropriate, I mean we’re not even cool with each other usually. I’m always rolling my eyes at her because she adds anecdotes to every thing she says in class, and thats my pet hate. Man, thats some rough shit to go through. It made me think of that question, if you were in a room of strangers and got news that someone close to you had died, would you walk out of the room or cry on the spot in front of them?

I’d like to think that I’d walk out, but in reality I’m a blubbering mess that cries at episodes of Buffy & Gilmore Girls. What would you do?

Clystrombreddie

October 10, 2008

I have a theory that you are who you are in primary school and that once you reach high school it gets beaten out of you, and replaced with the never ending chase for the cool. Of course, cool is a concept that reaches you even in the younger years, but it doesn’t become priority till adolescence. In primary school you define your world, and your sense of self. The person you are is never again as simple as it was back then. You know yourself, your own character, and thinking is pure and untouched by society’s misgivings. The world is colorful, beautiful and limitless. If you can somehow keep the primary school you as a part of yourself, then you can remain satisfied that you know who you are, and this makes life concrete.

I have a shocking memory, and I’m prone to blocking things out that don’t agree with my happiness. My brain likes to suppress things, and forget them, so as not to remind myself that I’m not actually as perfect as I like to think. So by the time I started to struggle with my identity and with life’s problems, I had no sense of my primary school self. That girl was gone. I never realised why I was so lost, but it was because I’d lost my central narrative. You can’t move forward into the future if you don’t have a past to build on.

I’ve done E twice in my life. The second time I did it was with my sister and her boyfriend, on a particularly boring night, in the lounge room of my dad’s house while he was out. Anyone who’s done it before will recognise this atmosphere as perhaps not the best for a bickie. When you’re out, you feel the rush and its all about the experience, feeling the music or whatever, its focused externally. But when you stay in, with minimal distractions, the focus goes on the internal and you start to pick apart your brain. In the beginning its in a positive light, and in the end it turns on you, as you come down.

My defense mechanism of never digging too deep and letting sleeping dogs lie was deactivated. At the start I didn’t realise, but later on it frightened me. I’m always afraid of going too deep, in conversations or thought, in case I reach a place I can never come back from, where everything changes for good. But I couldn’t stop pulling myself apart, thinking and dissecting who I was, what made me.. Was I a fuck up? What was I? And then suddenly, one word was on the tip of my tongue, a word that summed up everything: Clystrombreddie.

So I laid in bed unable to sleep, out-of-my-mind smashed, with this word in my head. It seemed to mean nothing, I didn’t understand it, why was I remembering it? What did it mean? Clystrom-Breddie. It came from cly-stromboni, which I thought may have been some kind of instrument, but google has since disproved that theory. I associate it with a cittern, which is a medieval guitar, which I remember from Sleeping Beauty, a movie I used to watch over and over.

Breddie is a word I added onto everything, it was my secret word, that related to my steady-eddie, which was one of those things you use to eat on in bed. I used it to draw on, pictures of princesses and my sisters in houses full of chocolate and lollies. ‘Steady-eddie Steven Breddie’ is some kind of phrase that got me in trouble once. I think my sisters friend had a crush on that Steven Breddie guy, and I liked how it rhymed so I tacked it onto the end of steady-eddie, but then when I said it at school the girl flipped it. I was banned from saying it, so I shortened it to ‘breddie’ and only whispered it, but it was always on my mind.

When I was younger I was all about words, stories, books, rhymes. This was what I created my world with. I used to make up words with special meanings for me and my sisters, codes we used in primary school, they sounded like gibberish but held very precise ideas and definitions. I can’t remember them all, but some float back to me since that night, like Clam Broodie. When my youngest sister was a baby, she was so beautiful, with blonde ringlets. Everyone in my family called her Dan Beauty. I altered this to Clam Broodie, which became our word for the epitome of beauty in the purest way, like baby Dannielle. It was the highest compliment in our eyes.

This shit is wiggety wack, but its me. Clystrombreddie made me remember all this and more, it was the key to my primary school self, to who I was. I am a medieval guitar filled with booze, and the clock from Beauty and the Beast, bay horses with stars on their noses, biro marks on my fingers from drawing on a steady-eddie, the color green (dark, not tropical) and gumboots, ballet, some kind of Enid Blighton adventurous ‘British’ mentality, fairies and elves, brown hair in ponytails, squirrels and owls, oranges and apples, books, sugar dandies (wtf?), rabbits and princess dresses.

That girl was smart and kinda outgoing, and she fucked up too, even way back then. She was head of the class and very competitive, tried to be the fastest runner and the quickest reader. If you can picture that, you’ve seen my primary school self, the purest me. I can’t believe some crazy ass trip gone wrong pulled this all out of me, with that one word, Clystrombreddie. I still don’t understand what it means, but I think it was my word for myself.

“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, that gleam in your eye is so familiar to me

And I know its true that visions are rarely all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you do

You’ll love me at once, the way you did once

Upon a dream..”

Umm, this is an example of one of those posts you’re allowed to ignore, so if you think I’m crazy right now just pretend you never read this, you don’t know what Clystrombreddie is and I’m the same old Luli as before (except now you’re more inclined to avoid me). Sorry for going too deep, but sometimes I guess you just have to.

Trolling The Dystopia

October 7, 2008

I trolled a Facebook group the other day, or should I say, I defended the liberal ideology of the group in the face of a conservative troll who first fired up at a black girl, calling her a nigger and so forth. I’m proud to say I embarrassed and ripped him to shreds, and forced him into retreat. The only way to beat a troll is to troll harder.

I don’t know what it is about me lately, I must be overly irritated or just feeling like a smeeki (Arabic for an ‘annoyer’) but I’ve been doing a bit of trolling. I usually try not to feed the trolls on boards with replies and I have this rule in my head where if someone writes something in their blog that I don’t agree with, I don’t leave them a scathing comment about how wrong they are, I just breathe and let it go. I absolutely despise bitchy comments and snide remarks, so in the name of politeness I do not bite.

Plus ignorance is a hard thing to overcome, it definitely won’t be helped by me barging in, scoffing at their ideas, cursing their lack of rational thought and compassion. I think its all centred around Obama actually, and its only his name thats started the whole thing. Maybe its because its just been Ramadan, so I’m feeling a bit of connection and solidarity behind Muslims, after finishing their most peaceful and pious month. Whenever Islam is on the agenda, I jump. I’m like a puppet. Come push my buttons.

I can’t even look at my tag surfer without seeing an anti-Islamic post, and its taking all of my strength not to link you to the disgusting blog of a woman whose avatar is a picture of her tits in a t-shirt that says ‘Infidel’ in English with the Arabic underneath, holding a gun. She’s only written four posts and I was so outraged after only glancing at them, that I had to write this post to prevent myself from commenting. I’ve already fucked up once tonight, spitting a bit of venom at someone who wrote a post pondering on the article in which Palin was said to be hated by women because she was ‘pretty’ and ‘confident’.

I’m offended and frustrated by the bias of the world lately, and I guess leading up to the Presidential election I shouldn’t be surprised, but its like every conservative or right wing just went into hyper drive on their bullshit spreading. And it really kills my life that they put so many lies and misrepresented stories out there. There are people who will not vote for Obama because his name makes them associate him with Islam. There are people who support Palin simply because they think she will fool the women into voting for her, just because she is a woman.

Theres really a lot wrong with the world right now, and I’m not seeing much of the good guys winning. When you think of dystopia, how far away is it from what we have now? The world is dying from pollution. Truth and justice do not prevail. The bad guys go to war against the poor and weak, and we let them, and they win. Rational thought is suppressed and silenced. There is no sense of compassion for humanity. Truckloads of money are given to the rich to keep them rich. Women celebrate the fact that they have regressed back to the status of 1950’s trophy wives, and I think this quote from a chick today at uni says it all perfectly: “I’m like so0o0o against feminism.”

Yes, my sweet, you are.

I Lost One

October 3, 2008

I didn’t want to make you all worried but my kitten went missing the other day. Luckily he came back, but he was covered in some weird sticky shit and his fur was all matted. Some bastard must have tried to glue buttered toast to his back in the name of science or something. Man, I was so scared.. I was imagining all these perverted wackos stealing him, or running him over, or worse, some children taking him home for themselves and giving him a better life than me! ;_;

Plus it was garbage day, if he got hurt they mighta just picked him up and thrown him into the crushing machine (although, Shredder did survive, so Pooky prob woulda lived through it). I don’t know where the hell he went, but when he came back he was all sad and kissy, so I hope he’s learned not to go adventuring any more. I blame Disney movies for giving him unrealistic ideas about the beauty of the world and the kindness of strangers (They certainly fucked up my expectations of love!).

When I woke up and my mother informed me of his status, I ran out the house and down the street without even changing out of my pjs or fixing my mane. I searched for ages but I couldn’t find him anywhere. It made me wonder if I would ever hear his meow again, and curse myself for not appreciating him enough while he was around. But I felt guilty for being so upset, especially when others out there were going through a lot worse than I was.

Best wishes for those still searching for their lost ones, particularly the Lapthorne family and those lost in the Bermuda Triangle.. I feel your pain.