I have a theory that you are who you are in primary school and that once you reach high school it gets beaten out of you, and replaced with the never ending chase for the cool. Of course, cool is a concept that reaches you even in the younger years, but it doesn’t become priority till adolescence. In primary school you define your world, and your sense of self. The person you are is never again as simple as it was back then. You know yourself, your own character, and thinking is pure and untouched by society’s misgivings. The world is colorful, beautiful and limitless. If you can somehow keep the primary school you as a part of yourself, then you can remain satisfied that you know who you are, and this makes life concrete.

I have a shocking memory, and I’m prone to blocking things out that don’t agree with my happiness. My brain likes to suppress things, and forget them, so as not to remind myself that I’m not actually as perfect as I like to think. So by the time I started to struggle with my identity and with life’s problems, I had no sense of my primary school self. That girl was gone. I never realised why I was so lost, but it was because I’d lost my central narrative. You can’t move forward into the future if you don’t have a past to build on.

I’ve done E twice in my life. The second time I did it was with my sister and her boyfriend, on a particularly boring night, in the lounge room of my dad’s house while he was out. Anyone who’s done it before will recognise this atmosphere as perhaps not the best for a bickie. When you’re out, you feel the rush and its all about the experience, feeling the music or whatever, its focused externally. But when you stay in, with minimal distractions, the focus goes on the internal and you start to pick apart your brain. In the beginning its in a positive light, and in the end it turns on you, as you come down.

My defense mechanism of never digging too deep and letting sleeping dogs lie was deactivated. At the start I didn’t realise, but later on it frightened me. I’m always afraid of going too deep, in conversations or thought, in case I reach a place I can never come back from, where everything changes for good. But I couldn’t stop pulling myself apart, thinking and dissecting who I was, what made me.. Was I a fuck up? What was I? And then suddenly, one word was on the tip of my tongue, a word that summed up everything: Clystrombreddie.

So I laid in bed unable to sleep, out-of-my-mind smashed, with this word in my head. It seemed to mean nothing, I didn’t understand it, why was I remembering it? What did it mean? Clystrom-Breddie. It came from cly-stromboni, which I thought may have been some kind of instrument, but google has since disproved that theory. I associate it with a cittern, which is a medieval guitar, which I remember from Sleeping Beauty, a movie I used to watch over and over.

Breddie is a word I added onto everything, it was my secret word, that related to my steady-eddie, which was one of those things you use to eat on in bed. I used it to draw on, pictures of princesses and my sisters in houses full of chocolate and lollies. ‘Steady-eddie Steven Breddie’ is some kind of phrase that got me in trouble once. I think my sisters friend had a crush on that Steven Breddie guy, and I liked how it rhymed so I tacked it onto the end of steady-eddie, but then when I said it at school the girl flipped it. I was banned from saying it, so I shortened it to ‘breddie’ and only whispered it, but it was always on my mind.

When I was younger I was all about words, stories, books, rhymes. This was what I created my world with. I used to make up words with special meanings for me and my sisters, codes we used in primary school, they sounded like gibberish but held very precise ideas and definitions. I can’t remember them all, but some float back to me since that night, like Clam Broodie. When my youngest sister was a baby, she was so beautiful, with blonde ringlets. Everyone in my family called her Dan Beauty. I altered this to Clam Broodie, which became our word for the epitome of beauty in the purest way, like baby Dannielle. It was the highest compliment in our eyes.

This shit is wiggety wack, but its me. Clystrombreddie made me remember all this and more, it was the key to my primary school self, to who I was. I am a medieval guitar filled with booze, and the clock from Beauty and the Beast, bay horses with stars on their noses, biro marks on my fingers from drawing on a steady-eddie, the color green (dark, not tropical) and gumboots, ballet, some kind of Enid Blighton adventurous ‘British’ mentality, fairies and elves, brown hair in ponytails, squirrels and owls, oranges and apples, books, sugar dandies (wtf?), rabbits and princess dresses.

That girl was smart and kinda outgoing, and she fucked up too, even way back then. She was head of the class and very competitive, tried to be the fastest runner and the quickest reader. If you can picture that, you’ve seen my primary school self, the purest me. I can’t believe some crazy ass trip gone wrong pulled this all out of me, with that one word, Clystrombreddie. I still don’t understand what it means, but I think it was my word for myself.

“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, that gleam in your eye is so familiar to me

And I know its true that visions are rarely all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you do

You’ll love me at once, the way you did once

Upon a dream..”

Umm, this is an example of one of those posts you’re allowed to ignore, so if you think I’m crazy right now just pretend you never read this, you don’t know what Clystrombreddie is and I’m the same old Luli as before (except now you’re more inclined to avoid me). Sorry for going too deep, but sometimes I guess you just have to.


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13 Responses to “Clystrombreddie”

  1. This Devil's Workday Says:

    Sorry but, what you described is not that different to what I picture now. Outgoing, but you allow yourself to fuck up (as everyone should), head of the class (if you’re not then no doubt you could be) and clearly aware of the world. Maybe the competitiveness has focused on things a little more advanced than running and reading?

    And no one thinks you’re crazy, I like how honest you are in your blog.

  2. LuLi Says:

    Thanks TDW, its really uplifting to think you have such an impression of me from my writing. Its also quite a relief that you don’t find me to be a little loopy, sometimes I think I might come off like a lostie. 🙂

  3. Marty Says:

    I’ve seen it heaps too! I think every Christmas we used to get a new Disney video. First it was Sleeping Beauty, then Lady and the Tramp, Alice in Wonderland I’ve also seen more times than I have fingers.

    “The sun has set! Make ready to welcome your princess!”

  4. Domino Says:

    Primary school…ahh the care free memories…I’m happy with my high school social status..I’ve worked hard for it and it’s paid off lol.

    There’s nothing wrong with delving deep into yourself, it’s healthy to let it out

  5. LuLi Says:

    Marty – I loved Lady and the Tramp and Alice in Wonderland! And especially Aladdin, The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast. I miss the days when Disney made cartoons, they were awesome. The 3d computerised stuff just doesn’t do it for me.

    Domino – Oh yeah, you need your status now! Hang onto it.. Its only when you leave high school that you can decide whether or not you still want it around. I actually wouldn’t even know if I was still cool, its not as clear as it used to be back then (I have a feeling that I’m super cool, just quietly).

  6. Andy Says:

    Well, *I* think you’re crazy, but in a good way. Not because of this post, of course. Just in general…

    This is why I used to LOVE acid. I know it’s a failing on my part, but I could never be nearly as introspective straight. Lowering your inhibitions does wonders for the depth of self-analysis.

  7. LuLi Says:

    Lol! As long as its not from the post, I don’t mind a bit of general craziness. I’ve never tried acid, apparently they don’t make it like they used to, and its not as good as it was. I did like the thinking in the beginning, I felt like I knew what the world was all about and that I had love for everyone! What a hippie..

  8. Domino Says:

    haha yeah man, very super cool



  9. raydixon Says:

    LuLi in the Sky with Diamonds ?

  10. Den Relojo Says:

    Don’t fret if you splash your blog with goofy stuffs. I’m guilty of it too and millions of other bloggers, I believe. At times, I am getting masturbatory with words.

    This Clystrombreddie post reminds me about my own language game that I had as a child. I would create my own words which only my close friends and I would know what it means. When we use such words in public and we sense that people are somehow igetting slightly perturbed about our conversation, it feels good for we think that it was a sign of having control about getting understood and being secretive with our talks.

  11. LuLi Says:

    Domino – You smarty pants 😛

    Ray – I like that!

    Den – Thanks, I’ll try not to. It is fun having your own language, mine never developed enough to be very significant but I loved when I was learning Arabic, speaking it to my Muslim friends so only we could understand!

  12. gullybogan Says:

    You’re absolutely right about the Primary/Secondary school transition. Something dies the day a child goes to High School, and that kid will spend the rest of his or her life trying to bring it back to life.

  13. LuLi Says:

    High school is brutal like that. We’re all just lucky to come out unscathed.

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