A Quick Message From My Hideout

“All I hear is raindrops

Falling on the rooftop

Tell me why you had to go

Coz this pain I feel it won’t go away

And today

I’m officially missing you..”

dragongirl

I am literally sitting in my room pretending to be asleep while my sister and her friends wait for me to wake up and drink with them. I don’t know if I can do it, I’ve seriously had enough. I’ve been drinking all weekend and making small talk with people and its killing my soul. Theres something about smiling when you don’t really want to, after a while your face just says ‘fuck it, I’m out, we’re done!’ and it starts looking like a pained grimace.

My sis came back from India for a few days, so I can’t get out of this one. But I’m so tired, so done, I’m all used up with drinking and talking. I’ve had a huge weekend. Friday I watched Terminator 2, probably the best of all the Terminators, and spray tanned my sister, straightened my bros hair for a dress up party and had trouble sleeping again. Saturday was one long ass pub crawl through Hawthorn, (which could have ended prematurely because the bouncers at the Glenferrie are fucked!) which finished at some empty bourgeoisie cigar bar that our crew of thirty took over (unfortunately, they didn’t have any bouncers so they couldn’t get rid of us). I spent a lot of that night in an alley way helping my sister throw up but apparently there was some batman climbing clocktower antics and some harrassing of rich people and some fancy cuban cigar work that I missed out on.

you-found-me

“And I’m not, not sure

Not too sure how it feels

To handle everyday

Like the one that just passed

In the crowds of all the people

Remember today, I’ve no respect for you

And I miss you love..”

Sunday and Monday were funeral days. I barely cried, I don’t know why.. I cry at everything, so I don’t understand it. Have I suddenly gotten cold? Have I run out of crying steam? Is it because I was surrounded by people? I thought maybe it was because I did a lot of crying the day I found out, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m not a crier anymore. I finally got to sleep though. Its been what, a week? Maybe two? I think I’m stressed out, or I’ve been stretched too far. And the Christmas season hasn’t even begun yet, man I’m struggling! I never thought there would come a day when I didn’t actually want to get on the drinks.

So thats the go. I’ll write a real post soon, but I have to go drink with India now. Just checking in to do some complaining. Oh, I found out something interesting though. I was talking to my aunt and mentioned reading Tarot and told her I’d read her cards one day and she was shocked. She said my grandmothers mother used to be into all of that stuff and was apparently quite gifted and that she must have passed it onto me. It was pretty comforting to know that someone else could read and that I wasn’t just crazy, finally feels like I fit into the family. I’m not the only gypsy girl! I’m out yo, see you at your places for some catch up reading.

esmerelda

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11 Responses to “A Quick Message From My Hideout”

  1. Frog Says:

    I thought that from this heartache I could escape.
    But I’ve fronted long enough to know
    There ain’t no way.
    And today.
    Officially Missing You.

    Maybe you didn’t cry at the funeral because you were in shock that your gran is actually gone. That happened to my sister at my nan’s funeral last year. But me, I broke down in tears, not because I was said…well I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t qutie sad. I was just trying to comprehend how she could’ve been dead lying in a coffin. Anyway…perhaps you should go cold turkey with the drinking. Give it a few weeks then you’ll actually look forward to it. But I can’t drink so I’m not much use for this one.

  2. This Devil's Workday Says:

    Drink a few days in a row and it definitely gets old (schoolies was an exception). Terminator 2 is DEFINATELY the best of the lot. And I wouldn’t worry about not crying at a funeral. It doesn’t mean much, it’s only what you really feel that counts.

  3. Andy Says:

    The last funeral I went to I bawled like a baby, and had done so pretty regularly for the week prior. Maybe I’m just a big pussy, eh?

    Nah, I reckon that you just grieve how you want to grieve. If your heart tells you to cry, then you cry. If not, then that’s fine too. Neither is more valid or indicates a deeper love than the other.

    To be honest, I think that trying to analyse WHY you mourn in a certain way is the most harmful of all. Overanalysis only restricts or controls it, and risks leaving the process incomplete.

  4. Reuben van Bemmel Says:

    I tend not to cry; I just don’t have the impetus usually.

  5. LuLi Says:

    Frog – You know the song? Thats awesome! One of my favs.. Thats true, I might not have realised what it means yet now that she’s gone. I probably could benefit from a rest from drinking.

    TDW – I never went to schoolies, was it as good as people say? The other two terminators just weren’t up to scratch I don’t think. It probably doesn’t matter that I didn’t cry but its just not like me. Its bizarre.

    Andy – I’m usually the same, I can’t control myself and cry all the time, thats why I just don’t get it. I probably have been over thinking it too much, need to just chill and deal with it in my own way.

    Reuben – A lot of people never cry, but it doesn’t make them less sad, in my opinion.

  6. Domino Says:

    Not crying isn’t such a bad thing, it probably means you were the strong one whose shoulder got cried on a lot by other people…and as for the drinking I’m sure once you get some more sleep you’ll feel like more
    I hope the new Terminator movie is as good as the preview makes it look

  7. This Devil's Workday Says:

    Well I didn’t go to the real schoolies. Ocean Grove and Torquay pub for me, lol. But I do remember being drunk for 15 hours straight on the first day – well it was more like being drunk twice. That’s what happens when you start in the car at 10 in the morning and don’t stop until 1 in the morning.

    Ahh the joys of destroying your insides.

  8. LuLi Says:

    Domino – Is there another one coming? Interesting.. And yeah, thats usually the story with me, I swear off the drink for a week or so (usually just until the next weekend) and then I’m good to go again!

    TDW – I wanted to go, but it wasn’t really the done thing at our high school. I think like 5 people in total went from my year level. We still partied hard, but yeah, I think I woulda loved it. My liver must be so gone from this weekend =/

    But then I think, oh well, probably so is everyone else’s I know!

  9. This Devil's Workday Says:

    Christian Bale is in the next Terminator, which is the only thing that would get me to the cinema to see it, and the only thing that gives me any hope it will be any good.

    I actually didn’t drink a drop this past weekend!

  10. Bron Says:

    Sorry to hear about your nan, LuLi.

    As for your blues and not wanting to go out, it’s probably because you are grieving (without tears, but you don’t always need to grieve with tears. Grief takes many forms). And alcohol is a depressant, it will get you down eventually, and if you’re already down, then it’ll get you down quicker, to the point where you don’t want to drink.

    Don’t drink for the sake of it. It’s not worth it. Just do what you want to do.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  11. LuLi Says:

    TDW – I like Christian Bale, he’s a great actor. Don’t worry I think I drank enough for the both of us!

    Bron – Cheers, I really appreciate it. You’re making a lot of sense there, sometimes I forget that alcohol is a depressant and the effects that can have on someone who is already not feeling up to standard. I probably should have taken it easy on the grog this weekend, but at wakes and family gatherings you almost feel like you owe it to everyone to get drunk and reminisce. In hindsight I should have done exactly as you said and did what I needed to make me feel okay.

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