Archive for December, 2008

Merry Xmas

December 26, 2008

 x-maschick

I love the Xmas season and spirit, I used to be excited by presents, but leading up to this year I was just like ‘Blah, we all buy each other gifts, whats the point, who cares..’ There was nothing I could think of that I wanted, or that people could give me that would excite me because I have money, and I can just buy what I need for myself. And I stress out when I buy for others because the hugeness of my family means I have to take a lot of time to find stuff, and I want to get them something they would want, not just look at and think ‘meh’. So this year I thought, I only ever want clothes so thats what I’ll get them. Plus I know clothes, so it was an easy way out.

I was completely blown away by the gifts I recieved from people. When you get a gift, and you didn’t even want anything and it turns out to be something you love, its the best thing ever. Because it means that the person who gave it to you truly knows you. They get who you are and what you are about. I never realised how much my family actually knew who I was, but those gifts proved it. And it is so comforting to think that I’m understood.

 charcoal-pencils

Some of the stand out things were a set of artists and charcoal pencils, because I used to sketch quite well, but I stopped drawing because I suppose being creative got pushed down on the list of priorities when I started partying, working and studying. But not long ago I was mucking around with charcoal and it was such a pleasure to use, so someone was obviously paying attention and its nice to be encouraged.

I got a little golden argile, or shishka, or hookah, or whatever you call it. To me its an argile, and it reminds me of the nights I spent in Lebanese homes, playing cards and having fun without alcohol, because they were all Muslim. That was a big part of my life, I was always at a function or visiting someones relatives, doing the 3-kiss cheek thing and shocking people with my Arabic. But I haven’t thought of that life for a long time, its behind me.

Anime, clothes, Gilmore Girls dvds, a manicure set because I’m always painting and preening my nails, a palmistry book because I’m into all that, as you would know. It would be a nice prelude to reading someone’s Tarot if I could check out their palm first and get an idea on their life. They all lead to one another, Tarot, palmistry, runes, astrology. So once you’ve learnt one, its a lot easier to learn another, because its from the same school of thought. And you all might roll your eyes, but I like to think I have an intuitive gift for reading.

 gilmore

The present that made my eyes tear up was a book from my mother about Australian foreign correspondents and some of their stories and anecdotes. She’s never been a fan of me learning Arabic or hanging out with Muslims, or involving myself in politics and defending things she didn’t understand. We had a bad relationship when I was 16 till about 20 because I was so immersed in it, and she seemed unfairly biased, so I just shut her out and she resented it even more. We mended ourselves and we’re very close now, she is one of my closest friends and we think of ourselves in a Gilmore-esque way, but for her to give me this book just stunned me. It was like saying, ‘Hey I know we always had our fights, and I disapproved of your plans to go to Palestine and fight for something that has nothing to do with you, for reasons I never got, but I believe in you. I know this is what you want to do and I support it and I’m going to help you.’

I always had doubts in my mind, but when you see that people truly do believe in you, and think you can achieve your goals it gives you so much confidence. I’m used to defending and persuading people to understand what I want to do, I’ve never been supported or encouraged. So that gift meant a lot to me. All of them did. Its one thing for people to say ‘You’re okay Luli, we get you, we understand you,’ because words are malleable, they come and go, they can be empty. But when you are shown that you are valued, it means more than anything that can be said, and its concrete evidence.

 peaceful

This Christmas I expected to be drained and bored, and instead I was left inspired and awed. I feel like people know me, and that makes me think that I’ve fully developed myself, who I am and all of that. It gives me confidence and a feeling of happiness that is unmatched by anything I’ve ever felt, because I’m sure of myself now, and all I want to do is make other people happy too. Because I know that through whatever I can always be okay, but not everyone is given the tools or resources I have for finding their own happiness. Some people are slipping, and some have given up altogether. And some don’t have the kind of support base that I’ve been blessed with to draw inner strength or peace from.

To me Xmas is about supporting and showing family and friends your love in a blatantly honest way, because during the rest of the year it can sometimes be hidden and unknown. The second part is reaching out and doing whatever you can to help those who are not as fortunate as you are, because we are not all born with the ability to help ourselves. And there is nothing more uplifting than when someone says to you, “I’m behind you, and I’m going to help.”

It gives you hope.

More Meme Madness

December 15, 2008

Okay, Rayedish gave me a meme to get my mind off my loss and I am very thankful. I’m also in a good mood after seeing a journo throw his shoes at George Bush in Iraq.. Ahh, much lulz were had. I remember my Lebanese friend was always copping a ‘shahaito’ thrown at the head for her insolence, apparently it is one of the most disrespectful things you can do in their culture. So props to Mr courageous journalist, way to stay neutral! Ahaha..

Sorry about the font wackness, it really shits me but I can’t fix it.

1) Five names you go by

Luli

My full name

Lou

My last name +ie on the end

Ruby – This has something to do with me not being able to say scooby doo as a kid and my mum likes to still call me it.

2) Three things you are wearing right now.

A cornflower blue sundress

Ghetto gold.. the real blingy thick kind

Purple nail polish

blue

3) Two things you want very badly at the moment.

A new lappy

A holiday in Thailand or some tropical party place.

4) Three people who I’d like to see fill this out.

TDW already volunteered, my girl Wendy and Marty also. But I like to pick my whole blogroll because you kids always have good answers, so please feel free to take it up!

5) Two things you did last night.

Read ‘New Moon’ the second part to the Twilight series. I’m freaking obsessed! I can’t wait to see the movie.

Was hungover. Saturday arvo we began at 3pm and I finished at around 3am that night so I put in a solid effort. It coulda been a lot worse considering the shots I was doing.

6) Two things you ate today.

Some fruit lollies.

Tabouli.. has anyone else noticed that Safeway tabouli actually tastes decent lately?

7) Two people you last talked to on the phone.

My brothers wife called me to ask what I wanted for xmas, and the help desk at work. Everything computer related seems to be going bad for me lately, I think I have tech karma for not ‘backing up’. Bah!

8 ) Two things you are going to do today.

Finish this New Moon book (and wish I had bought the third one).

Watch Project Runway, it’s the finale and the contestants are all supremely shit this cycle, but I gotta follow through.

project_runway

9) Two longest car rides.

Melb to QLD.. In retrospect, why would anyone want to do this? Hello, Jetstar cheap flights!

I spent the most excruciating four days driving around Wales with my dad at the end of our trip to England. By then we were so sick of each other we could barely speak, and my dad called me a tart and I cried. He felt so guilty that he bought me everything I wanted for the rest of the trip. That valuable lesson in manipulation was not wasted on me.

10) Two of your favourite drinks.

Coffee.. in latte form, as big as I can get it.

Vodka and cranberry. Cranberry is good for you and not sugary sweet, and vodka is what heaven is made of.

11) And bold the ones you’ve done.

I have….

1. Started my own blog (You’re looking at it!)

2. Slept under the stars (Best done on a trampoline in summer)

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than I can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain (I hope the blue mountains count, and hiking trails count)

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sung a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched lightning at sea

14. Taught myself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning (and more often, alcohol poisoning)

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown my own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight (And sleeping bag fights where you get in your sleeping bag backwards and charge at each other in your blind state)

22. Hitchhiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (3 out of 4 sickdays are a hangover)

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Skied a marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse (I think I have.. can’t remember if that means lunar or solar)

30. Watched a sunrise

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught myself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (Although, I could always have more! But money is easy come, easy go with me)

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight (Romance is wasted on me!)

46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had my portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (and wrote my name on it.. I’m bad!)

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud (if by played you mean fallen over in it, in front of the whole school, then yes.)

54. Gone to a drive-in theatre

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business (Car washing round the neighbourhood at like 10. I was shit. People asked for refunds.)

58. Taken a martial arts class (I often tell people I’m brown belt in Tae Kwon Do, but I only did 1 class)

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp

67. Bounced a cheque

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favourite childhood toy (I’m a hoarder)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (Its just a bunch of guards marching around.. yawn)

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (And drove it! I was a little rev head until I crashed and hurt my knee)

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican (and harassed the tourists)

82. Bought a new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had my picture in the paper

85. Read the entire Bible (Actually, it was the Koran)

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chicken pox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Ridden an elephant 

Goddamn formatting kills me.. AAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Its Gone Forever

December 12, 2008

rip-lappy

I’m devestated. I’m typing through my tears. I went to go get my lappy fixed today and the tech told me I was better off buying a new one. Thats fine, I said, but can you get my hard drive off of there so I can get the documents and stuff? Sure, thats easy, he said, no problem. I was ecstatic, and the guy immediately got a hundred times more attractive in my eyes, even though he was at least 45, but I was just so happy. He sat with me for an hour and let me watch him extract all my stuff and put it on a external hard drive, and then only charged me the price for the drive itself.

But I got home and realised this stuff was from my old ‘My Documents’ that I’d salvaged from my last hard drive meltdown and not the current ‘My Documents’ that all my real shit was stored on. All my pictures are lost. All my writing. And all because I was stupid enough to put a password on my profile. You fucking idiot. I will never do that again. Oh my god I was so happy a few seconds ago, and then when I just realised the stuff I really wanted was inaccessible it shattered me. I had like 4-5 years of my life on there. Msn logs from the time I was 16. Pictures of friends and family. All the anime I’d been collecting my whole life, images I will never see again, never be able to use. Every piece of writing I’d ever written, ALL OF IT!!

sad-beach

If lappy’s were empires, then I’d built Rome. And now its all burnt down to nothing! How can I start again? How will I find all the shit that took me years to come across? How will I remember all the sentimental shit that was on there, all my memories, my whole previous life is gone.. I can picture the files in my head, thats the saddest thing. I can see my documents and remember flicking through the pictures, image by image. I can see where my pics of my ex boyfriends are, and I know I said I was over The Boi, but all my pics of him were from my digital camera, they were jpegs, they were in my docs folder, they’re gone forever! What if I forget his face? The most important man in my life and I don’t even have one freaking photo printed out! I’m not going to run into him, he’s gone back to Syd.

Why has fate wiped my life clean? Doesn’t it understand that I live my life around my memories? I need records because my brain can never remember, thats why I have all the diaries and this blog. I’m never going to see his face again. I was prepared to be over him if I could at least look back and remember the good times. I could handle not speaking to him if I could still read back over the old memories, the times when we were good. Life wants me to forget him. I really have to move forward now, theres no other choice. I have nothing left.

It shatters me.

All I Want For Xmas Is…

December 9, 2008

anime_xmas

Its time for one of my favourite blog activities, the elusive and informative meme, passed on through generations of friends and always showing up at exactly the right moment! TDW both invented and challenged me to this one, and I think we all know that I was taking up the meme whether he formally asked to or not, so its irrelevant if I was specifically propositioned. I don’t need to be, I live this shit yo! Meme’s are my love! (No, he didn’t ask me, of course I took it upon myself, true to Luli form).

Regardless, I do actually want to see what you mofos have been wishing for all year, so consider this your very own invitation. That means you Marty, Gully, Domino, Wendy, Den, J, Insanity540, Kezza (perhaps with a santa hat photoshoot?), Andy if your holiday down here is boring you, Ray, Wah, Bron, Rayedish, Reuben (your very own tram service maybe?) and any other lurkers hiding in the darkness, reading me with hatred and venomous spite!

So my friends, feel free to get me any of these things:

lappy

My old laptop back with all the best upgrades money can buy. I had a mouse that was a round little ball thing in the middle of the keyboard and it was the best thing I’ve ever used. I can’t work these fancy touchpad things, they freak me out and the pressure points are all off. Plus I’m a pro with the red ball thing, I can draw the most amazing MS paint cartoons freehand! Also, the keyboard needed a bit of a clean, I coulda done with about 2000 more gig, something to make it work faster, louder speakers, a built in radio modem router thingy, unlimited broadband in the true meaning of the term and some kind of sparkly sticker decor to spice it up a little.

An interesting and hot car that is rare to come across. Preferrably in a crazy bright color, like a hot pink rx7 s6, or a kingfisher blue hotted up old valiant. Something that you would look at and think ‘Thats so crazy, it just might work!’ but be too afraid to drive yourself. I’m no car expert, so feel free to brainstorm and think of something better. Don’t worry, I can drive manual. If it was booked in for a ritual cleaning with a professional, that would be awesome too. Personalised plates are a no thanks, you keep em.

serebu

A genuine gyaru girl for my own personal stylist, hair and make up artist. Imagine waking up every day to find Xiaoyu has already laid out several choices of what you might wear today, completely accessorised and correlated to the weather, current (Shibuya) trends and your own personal tastes. Never again would I have to feel the panic of standing before my wardrobe 20mins before my train departs with no idea of what to wear. Plus having someone to fix my mane and apply my mascara for me would be heaven. Ahh celebrities are so lucky.

A long, detailed, private reading with a tarot expert who has honed their intuitive abilities. What can I say, I buy into all of that shit. I take my horoscopes to heart and they come true for me. I get back the karma I put out, I believe in fate and I read for myself. But it would be awesome to have someone profesh actually read for me for once. I would hang on their every word and even though it might be wrong, I’d enjoy every single minute of it. Call me a fool if you will, at least I am a happy one!

father

My little Indian model sister and my good natured philosophical father home for Christmas dinner. I miss their heads. They are truly independent and free spirited, but I know they are both dealing with upsetting issues right now. Little model is trying to pretend her man didn’t cheat on her only 4weeks after her 6mth mth long departure and Daddy-O has lost his hard earnt job security for the first time in his life due to the financial atmosphere. They left with their lives concrete and certain, and are now on unsure and shaky grounds. And well, you all know my sentimental face. I miss em.

So thats about it, thats all I need. Those things would make me oh so happy, way more than money or fame or silly little emotions like love. Or world peace, pffft! This is the consumerist Luli talking, take your peace loving hippie shit back to your lefty, altruistic, well written blogs! Christmas isn’t about some kind of global goodwill, its about buying apple products for the majestic approval of the first hipster, the bearded, elitist (convert or you out baby!), sandal and kuffiyeh scarf wearing, anti-authoritarian, wine connoisseur and jobless mofo, Jesus Hail Mary himself.

Merry X-Mas everyone!

NYC Let Me Upgrade You

December 7, 2008

“Partner let me upgrade you, Audemars Piguet you

Switch your neck ties to purple labels

Upgrade you, I can up, can I up, let me upgrade you

Partner let me upgrade you..

Partner let me upgrade you,

Flip a new page, introduce you to some new things &

Upgrade you, I can up, can I up, let me upgrade you

Partner let me upgrade you..”

chidori

My friends, there comes a time when a girl looks at her blog and wonders why it no longer inspires her with the spark of creativity it once did. There is no lack of imagination on my part, and its true that life has thrown me a few curve balls with my laptop breaking down, internet being capped and fulltime job about to be started. But it takes a lot more than that to keep a writer away from her most enjoyable hobby, and her blogger family.

I am not giving up, I still have hundreds of stories and ideas left to share with you, and I don’t want to be out of the loop on your own unfolding sagas. However, I can hardly say I’m the same teary princess who built a confessional from anime, song lyrics and heartache. In fact I’ve never been much of a princess at all, but I’ve definitely been spoilt. I let myself drown in all the drama of it all, and to be honest, thats not me.

So what I propose to you all is something a little more me, and a little less cryface olden time Luli. My blog needs a change. And what I want from you all is merely an opinion on what I should do. I’m never gonna lose the anime, and the lyrics are a big part of me (even though I’ve lost my years of songs to the destruction of my lappy) so you can settle down, I still have to be the Luli after all. Its the title that weighs on me.

fmp_kaname122

“I can do for you what Martin did for the people

Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo

Its very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal

Still play my part and let you take the lead role believe me

I’ll follow this could be easy

I’ll be the help whenever you need me

I see your hustle with my hustle I can keep you

Focused on your focus I can feed you..” 

Nothing You Confess Could Make Me Love You Less – Well, it did suit me back in the day. But not now. I mean its a great song, its beautiful, a classic even.. Its just a little too long, a little too cumbersome, too hard to say, carries too much memories of a time or person that I no longer associate myself with. We’re growing here aren’t we? Through our writing? I’ve outgrown it.

But it is a big blogging step, and could potentially ruin everything. What if it confused people? What if they lost my address through all the moving and commotion? What if they don’t want change, they like the old me, the new one is an imposter? Are some things better off the way they are, going down the same street, sticking to what you first ordered?

Its not to say I wouldn’t write my soppy personal posts every now and then, injected with my drunken adventures through Melbourne. I think we all realise by now that I can’t keep my mouth shut when it comes to these things, as if awkwardness were something I revel in. I just like painting those pictures of what I’m feeling, and giving in to that whole voyeuristic, you can see what I’m thinking stuff.

“Just when you think we had it all

Big ends, condos, collecting cars

Picture your life elevated with me

Make you my project celebrity

I keep your name hot in them streets

Its that little glimpse of light

That makes the diamond really shine

And you already is a star, but

Unless your flawless

Then ya dynasty ain’t complete without a chief like me..”

kanamechidori

So I want to rename my blog Streets On Fire, a tribute to my favourite song, the one I wrote a post about on the bottom of this page, that I love so very dearly and is my vibe and essence. Its how I think and all of that. Its just more me, its more Melbourne, its more suited to doing what I do, discussing morals and issues and politics and philosophy. It even kinda suits the web address better. I’ll keep the anime banner just change the words. What do you think? Stupid? Am I crazy?

Okay, I tried to make a poll but this dinosaur lappy has frozen up each time, apparently multiple answer questions are too much for it to handle so I’ll leave this to the comments box. Streets On Fire or Nothing You Confess? Hit me up with your very valuable opinions. Thank you, much love!

Androgyny And The Middle Gender

December 6, 2008

I’m a fan of the androgynous look, and its edginess. Its not my signature style, I’m way too feminine with clothes, but I like the idea of mixing gender through fashion. Or of even creating a whole new gender, the in between one. If what we wear creates a statement, then the androgynous style is the epitome of equality, and it always gets attention. Its quite positive for society to see girls in ties and blazers and men in skinny jeans, because it means we’re comfortable enough, and accepting enough to embrace those who see gender as flexible. Thats a big step for the great divide between the sexes.

agyness_deyn_35527t

Its by no means a new concept, for decades the runways have predicted androgynous looks and a lot of 80’s icons embraced it fearlessly. Boy George, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Prince, MJ.. Even the fashion giants like Armani, Gucci and Versace have taken it and brought it to life in the mainstream and couture, pushing outside of the punk movement and into regular day to day wear. Agyness Deyn has personified this look teamed with her blonde, cropped hair, which arguably pushed her into the limelight and top model status.

Not everybody embraces the style though. I guess some people like their men male and their females looking female. Christina Aguilera has been widely criticised lately for copying the style of newcomer Lady GaGa, and I’ve gotta say, I’ve seen the pics and its pretty obvious that Aguilera is biting her style. When confronted by a reporter, Aguilera had this to say:

“You know, that’s funny that you mention that. This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect.”

 ladygagaaguilera

Reow. I love how celebrities are above the internet these days, it pretty much runs the rest of our lives, doesn’t it? Anyway, interpret that however you like, I’ll leave it to you to read between the lines or not. What I loved about this back and forth was how GaGa reacted in the face of behemoth supastar Aguilera, without a hint of cattyness, making the fool obvious to everyone:

“I don’t take offense to it. I’m inspired by androgyny and David Bowie and Grace Jones.”

ladygaga-300x222

GaGa is the type of celeb I would usually hate, blonde, short shorts, overtly sexual video clips, questionable voice and part of the dance scene, but I actually like her courage and find her response to be commendable. I don’t hate her music and I seriously hope she does well and that the industry doesn’t just use her up and spit her out, as with most one hit wonders. I especially admire that she took Aguilera’s attempt to mock her by not knowing her gender, and turned it into a supportive statement for androgyny. That was gutsy. It had an element of class that is lacking in today’s celebrity.

I know we’re not ready as a society for a middle gender, yet. But its definitely on its way. I don’t bat an eyelid when people walk past me in drag and while I can always pick the men dressed as ladies, girls dressed as guys are completely indistinguishable to me now. And I see that as a good thing, even though I’m sometimes confused on how to refer to them. The best thing, I think, is not to take the road of Aguilera and call them an it, she or he, but to refer to them as a person should, by their name and not their gender status. Equality is being able to say “I’m the Luli before I am a girl.”

pregs

While hanging out with my only remaining friend who is into anime, in between changing episodes I noticed a picture of the Virgin Mary on his wall. I’m not into prying but I am a curious journalist, so I tried to gauge his depth of belief and asked if he heard the pregnant man was having another baby. Immediately I found myself smack bang in the middle of an outburst of how wrong “she” was, how unnatural and how bad it would be for the baby. I asked him why, what his reasoning was, but I was met with the deafening silence you often run into when religion meets common sense. Some of us may be ready for that leap into unisex, but a lot of us are still dead set opposed and unreasonably prejudiced. I’m just hoping that we’ll be ready as a society someday soon.

UPDATE: While searching for a picture of Aguileras shitteous copycat fringe, I got a virus from one of her fansites and my borrowed lappy had a spaz attack. Bitch is officially on my blacklist.

I Used To Think STFU Meant ‘Stuff You’.

December 3, 2008

stfu

One thing that completely drives me insane is unnecessary talking. Its not like I’m a fiend for silence, its just that I’m not fond of conversations that pretty much go nowhere and only serve the purpose of making the speaker feel like they know it all, or give them the chance to brag. Its probably half the reason why I don’t particularly like hanging around girls, I prefer to be around people who just say what needs to be said and leave it at that. That doesn’t mean I dislike long conversations, they are awesome, I just dislike long conversations about hair extensions and birth control.

My mum has got to be the weirdest talker I have ever known. The amount of irrelevant information she throws into a conversation is astounding to me. I’m always cutting her off or leading her to the point. If I’m already in a bad mood, just one random tangent of hers is enough to make me snap. Just to give you an idea, say I ask her for directions, this is the typical mum answer:

“Okay, you know how Blacks road goes up past the old hospital where your sister was born? Two blocks away is the street you’ll need to go on, drive down past where you’ll see a white house, Manny used to live there, then keep going and if you see a big tree hanging across an intersection, don’t turn there. There will be a diagonal road cutting across, that street passes through St Albans, and I once took a wrong turn down there and ended up in Sunshine! Go past the diagonal road and go around the roundabout, turning into the street on the right, or alternatively you could go straight and make a right at the traffic lights, but those lights have been slow since I lived there, and theres always cops around so you can’t run a red arrow. Theres a fish & chip shop on the corner thats really good, and they’re always stopping there for lunch. You remember it don’t you? The fish and chips we had after we went to Nan’s place to get the photos for your brothers 21st? Well I suppose you were young, probably only 12. So yeah, make a right there.”

stfu2

My friend Bee is notorious for doing something similar, except its more to do with the stories she tells and the irrelevant details like where she had lunch that day, and why she decided to have the fish instead of the chicken, and how that made her feel, and then so she was already a little uneasy so she went to the chemist, and then the chemist told her it was better to just drink tea, so she went out and got out the tea bags but they were mouldy, so she opened up her cupboard and realised she needed to throw a lot of stuff out, so she put the bags by the curb and forgot about them, then her boy came home later and tripped over into them and thats why he smells like cheese. You can’t even cut her off or direct the convo, because you have absolutely no idea where the story is going. The amount of background information that goes into the anecdote completely ruins any hope she had for a punchline, because its got no delivery, she’s smiling the whole way through, and you’re confused at which point you were supposed to laugh at.

I also have a couple of other chick friends who are clearly uncomfortable with any silence whatsoever, and feel like they have to fill the gap in the air with pointless words and stories. If you’re not talking and I’m not talking, its not necessarily a bad thing, we can just chill together and say nothing. I’d rather think in my head than be distracted by meaningless shit. Its like a nervous thing some people have, they’re too scared that there will be nothing to say so they go into overdrive to make sure it never happens. These people are the worst to get cornered by, because they can go on forever without stopping. I got trapped by one on Friday night and it took me about an hour to escape her clutches without being rude.

And then there are those students at uni who will ask the teacher a question, just to show off about something. For example, “With the memoir assignment, is it better to use a lot of descriptive detail, or concentrate more on character interactions, because when I go up to my cabin worth 400k in the mountains to snowboard with my professional snowboarding crew, I often pay more attention to how the rookies will speak to the professionals, rather than their inferior equipment and the ugly snowgear they are wearing.” Okay, you’re a bad ass snowboarder chick, we all acknowledge your awesomeness. But this is uni, its not about chasing the cool anymore, its about how much I can kick your ass in writing workshops.

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Or they even play it like this, “I know that in this editing class you’re teaching us to do blah blah, but when I worked in the field for two years at my fathers company, he taught me the proper way was to completely contradict your teaching methods.” That one can even be more annoying, because we all already know the answer. Forget whatever the hell you thought you knew and just follow the damn criteria. You are not the new lecturer, you are a wanker.

Its these annoying people that take over the conversations, and because they are talking you often miss out on the better stories or the more interesting jokes that someone else could have said. But no, they had to be selfish and waste all the air time! When it comes to talking, I think the old rule is golden: It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.