Archive for March, 2009

Everlasting

March 26, 2009

“The place we used to be is still a part of me

And I’m so fortunate lady that you still need a piece of me

And I know that you’re waiting, see I’m only down town

You know I roll alone girl, I’m never with a crowd..

Take me back to the day when you made me fall

I want to go, I want to go

Make me feel like you did the very first time we ever touched

I want to go, lets just go..”

sunset-1

I went to stay at my great-grandmothers place these holidays, and while she passed away when I was five and the house has been renovated since, it still has her feel and her essence. You can’t escape it. Maybe it comes from knowing her, knowing what kind of woman she was and how caring and selfless she was. But how can you really know what kind of person someone is when you’re five? I knew she was loving and kind, and thats all I needed.

One of the first things we did was walk around and check everything out, see what we remembered and what was new. Touch and prod and feel and try on. Her mink coat was gone, a tribute to her classic style. She was pearls and 1940’s curls, designer chic for dinner and nautical colors as she relaxed around the house. We stared at a glamour pic of her from her youth, she must have been early twenties. “You look like her, ” my sister said. And I was surprised to find I agreed with her. We have dark hair and the same nose. I felt like family for once.

One thing really struck a chord with me as I sat down in her old torn recliner and looked at the room from a perspective she must have, day in and out, for decades. I could see the tv in front of me, to the left was the window with a view to the garden of the front yard, and to the right was a portrait of her husband who died a long time before she did. She must have looked into his eyes everyday and missed him.

“Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart thats pure won’t be denied

The kind of loving that will rock you

The kind of loving that will keep you

Hold you for a lifetime

Even in the hard times, even when its going down..

You’re gonna find someone’s riding with you

You don’t have to be alone, you just have to hold on

You’re gonna find true love..”

take-me-2

What happened to the love from back then? The one that lasted forever, long after your husband has gone. The one that left you believing you’d be with him one day soon, that he was waiting for you.. These days it seems like marriage lasts 7 years, and love lasts even less. How is it that our grandparents marriages last forever, but everyone else is divorcing? Theres some element they have, that we don’t. What is it?

Maybe its because we don’t truly appreciate the other when they are with us, what they do for us, or that it takes effort every single day to make things work. Maybe its because we’re so trained by consumerism to never be satisfied, to always want more or be looking for something better, an upgrade.. Why do people leave each other, when others can make it work forever? We raise our kids in the era of divorce, it feels like every kid has gone or will go through it. And with that kind of backdrop, how can we expect them to believe in a love that lasts more than a few years? Its no wonder everyone is always breaking up.

But when I sat in her chair it wasn’t hard for me to imagine getting a portrait of my own husband, and of days spent there warmed by the suns rays and our own affections. I hadn’t even considered marriage before that, aside from maybe eloping in Las Vegas or something equally as vague. I’d definitely never thought about the part after. But now its a big question in the back of my mind.. What has happened to everlasting love?

“When I think about it

I know that I was never there

Or even cared

The more I think about it

The less that I was able to share

With you

I try to reach you I

Can almost feel you, you’re nearly here

And then you disappear..”

take-me1

Dreaming Away..

March 11, 2009

“Daydream

I fell asleep beneath the flowers

For a couple of hours

What a beautiful day..

Daydream

I dream of you amid the flowers

For a couple of hours

Such a beautiful day..”

flowers

There is not one day that goes by, that I don’t sit and stare blankly, day dreaming some crazy fantasy that will most likely never come true. Maybe I have a childish or naive mind, maybe I’m too airy and lack discipline, but imagining worlds that are far better than the one I reside in helps me get through the day. Especially with the monotonous shit I do at work.

It usually begins with what I decide to wear. I’m always dressing in characters or themes, although very subtly. The elements I put into the outfit only hint at the persona I’m actually going for, in my head its far more extravagant and over the top. For example, some days I will wear a lot of bright colors with chunky gold and the extension of that in my head is a very street, ghetto New York look, straight out of the hood. In my head I’m wearing a bandanna and sneakers, but in reality that ain’t my style. So if I’m doing that character my speech is all of a sudden peppered with phrases like “we chillin” or “yo, b, wat up?”. The saddest thing is I’m not even lying.

One recurring theme is anytime I wear boots, I start imagining that they are elven or superhero style and picture myself an acrobatic heroine, who could do backflips and leap off buildings if she chose to. While walking around my office I’ll pretend I have some sort of elf-like grace and natural stealth, when in reality I am a clumsy and awkward fool. The other day a cute guy checked me out in the kitchen and I spilt tea all over myself instantly, so you can see how this graceful thing would appeal.

“One summer night

We ran away for a while

Laughing, we hurried beneath the sky

To an obscure place to hide

Where no one could find..

And we drifted to another state of mind

And imagined I was yours and you were mine

As we lay upon the grass there in the dark

Underneath the stars..”

paradis1

Another one I think of is while I’m on the train, I imagine suddenly it comes to a stop and we look outside and see the country has been invaded. And that the train is being looted by some rogue soldiers, who are killing people at random. Suddenly, the hot guy across from me who I’ve been sneaking glances at grabs my hand and we run to the emergency exit. We jump off the train and decide we better go country, I suggest my bush holiday house, he agrees. From there we make elaborate plans to win back the world, but mostly just fall in love. That one actually has a few variations, like zombies have taken over, or we’re not on a train we’re in a shopping centre. They mostly revolve around some crazy world crisis, where somehow only I have the power to save the day and by the luck of the gods, get a super attractive guy to hang out with while doing it.

Usually if I’m walking somewhere, or doing anything with my ipod on, I’m imagining the songs to be the soundtrack to the movie I’m currently in, which is basically about the story of my life and is ongoing and endless. Except its a little bit Truman-esque in that I don’t yet know it will be a movie, just that my life is *so interesting* that they’ve been filming me forever and its keeping the nation riveted. So naturally, when I’m pissed off the angry music comes on and I stomp through the train station with a fierce scowl. Or something nice has happened, so I put on a cute song and look out a window with a thoughtful and dreamy expression. Shit like that. I never get tired of it.

“Happiness like this it never lasts

Turns into the memories of the past

Here today and gone just as fast

And I can’t feel the ground

Someone let me down

I said I’ve never been so high

As I am now..”

happy

Oh, and I re-do conversations constantly. After the actual one is over, all the calls I should have made come floating into my brain and I start kicking myself, wishing I was more quick witted. Like once this girl came over to my desk and had a sook that I didn’t put something in a work document, and being passive and neutral Luli I just said “Sure, whatever.” Then later I was like, ‘Who the fuck does that bitch think she is, getting all up in my face like that? I should knock her block off!’ Gradually it got more and more heated in my mind, and the conversation evolved from what actually happened to some kind of crazy girl fight slap-down. Naturally I’m the winner because that girl isn’t tough enough and doesn’t have my Westside edge, but you knew that already. Anyway it took a lot of soothing thoughts and DeMello-style ‘letting go’ before I could forget that daydream. Still to now, everytime I walk past her, the face jabs come creeping back into my thoughts.

And my favourite one, that sends me off to sleep when I’m feeling like an insomniac, is my dream life played out before me. The life where I didn’t make any mistakes, and I never got with my ex, and I was never best friends with that bitch, and I never fucked up my VCE.. The one where I got straight into my course without doing TAFE first, where I actually gave my number to that newspaper editor when he asked for it instead of telling him I was too young to apply. Where I’m already overseas, in the trenches, with my trusty cameraman and guide. Man that life is so awesome.

What do you daydream about?

animecouplesatnight1

“And I see

Heaven when he looks at me

In his smile is the most amazing dream

And in his eyes I fall asleep

And I hope

Hope that he can see through the smoke

Of my imperfections into my soul

And my heart where he has control..”

Sup Girlfrienddddd

March 2, 2009

“If you let me I could,

I’d show you how to build your fences

Set restrictions

Separate from the world

The constant battle that you hate to fight

Just blame the limelight..”

gyaru2

I’ve decided that no-one is ever going to read this blog, except maybe my husband if I ever get one. Its done, set in stone, no friends or family are ever getting their eyes on this shit! And this way I can continue with my post with full knowledge that no mofo I know is about to get offended because they’re shit and I want to complain.

What is it about me, that every female friend I have wants to control me? Put the reigns on and have a monopoly of my time? I have three “close” friends at work, and they all fight and bitch over who gets to have coffee with me, who will have after work drinks, who will take me to lunch.. Its insanely immature and really weirding me out. I have mentioned heaps of times that I am not a girl who gets along with many other females because I dislike the female politics, so going from zero to a hundred in like a month is kind of freaking me out.

If it was good natured stuff, like just genuinely wanting to be my friend, I think I would be okay with it. But its like I’m a toy and they’re fighting over who gets to have their turn. Its a power game of some sort and its all underhanded, manipulative stuff. One comes up to me and suggests something, then goes to the others and say I’m going somewhere with just them, which in turn offends that one who thinks I’m picking a favourite.

“I don’t want you to know

Too much about me, oh no

Coz I know you’d take advantage of the words that I say

You’re looking for a way to depress me

Make me pay..”

fmp_other235

Do I just give off submissive vibes or something? Do people just think I’m good to be controlled? Is that why that dickhead stalker weird guy wanted to date me? I’m being easy going and neutral, not vulnerable and needy. God, I hate it when people get clingy with me, or expect that I’ve entered into some kind of social contract that says I have to do this at these times with them, or face punishment of sooking bitchiness. Get real man, I’m no-ones property, I do what I want and always have.

Its mostly because I’m just being nice about it, doing what I want but saying it in an unoffensive way, so they think they’re still winning. Because I don’t really want to stoop to power games and mean comments, I want to just be happy me, unaffected by the bullshit. My usual way of handling this kind of stuff is to keep out of it entirely and not let myself be played into their little stunts. But I don’t know if thats working, maybe I should just cut right back on spending time with them & act like I’m busy? I’m not doing after work drinks anymore, thankfully, I have uni on Fridays.

I like them each a lot, in their own ways, despite how mean and snarky they can be with each other. Its like they’re just misguided? The thing that stumps me is that two of them claim to be all enlightened and spiritual, with the chakras and the new-age philosophies, and yet they still reserve the right to get all upset over a lunch date. I thought spirituality was about letting go and releasing the bad emotions? This is ridiculous.

“You think the way you live is okay

You think posin will save the day

You think we don’t see that you’re running

Better call your boys, coz we’re coming..”

nerd_pubphoto_small

Is it because they’re all at least ten years older than me and I’m a novelty? I don’t mean to imply that older women are like this, I know many who are beautiful and carefree in attitude. But maybe its what is behind the shit here. Maybe if I was closer to their age it wouldn’t be so much about ‘who I like better’, because I would be more on equal footing with them. Maybe if I was their age it would be them competing with me.

Oh fuck it, I’m just gonna cut back in outings unless its including more than one of them at a time. I don’t really like that they’re asking me for all my secrets, and then updates on them.. I’m too private to want to divulge my stuff. I guess because I don’t trust them one tiny bit, because how can I? The moment anyones back is turned they start talking smack. I think they must assume I’m some kind of fool, becaue I’m young, that I’m oblivious to all of their behind the scenes shit. It kind of amuses me when people think I’m dumber than I am, it means they have no idea how much I analyse everything. And thats a good advantage, to be a step ahead like that. So they think they’re having it over me, but really I’m playing along, fully aware of their manipulations.

The only good thing to come from being involved with a clique of Lebanese females during my teens is that I learnt ALL about the game.. and I’m never getting back in it again!

gyaru3

“You thought we broke up

And yeah you’re right, we really did

Wrote a verse I recited that was hot

But I had to re-write it coz

I thought we was united and we not

But though all the love that I got for you

Partner,  I picked apart your words

And I’m shocked in them interviews..”