Everlasting

“The place we used to be is still a part of me

And I’m so fortunate lady that you still need a piece of me

And I know that you’re waiting, see I’m only down town

You know I roll alone girl, I’m never with a crowd..

Take me back to the day when you made me fall

I want to go, I want to go

Make me feel like you did the very first time we ever touched

I want to go, lets just go..”

sunset-1

I went to stay at my great-grandmothers place these holidays, and while she passed away when I was five and the house has been renovated since, it still has her feel and her essence. You can’t escape it. Maybe it comes from knowing her, knowing what kind of woman she was and how caring and selfless she was. But how can you really know what kind of person someone is when you’re five? I knew she was loving and kind, and thats all I needed.

One of the first things we did was walk around and check everything out, see what we remembered and what was new. Touch and prod and feel and try on. Her mink coat was gone, a tribute to her classic style. She was pearls and 1940’s curls, designer chic for dinner and nautical colors as she relaxed around the house. We stared at a glamour pic of her from her youth, she must have been early twenties. “You look like her, ” my sister said. And I was surprised to find I agreed with her. We have dark hair and the same nose. I felt like family for once.

One thing really struck a chord with me as I sat down in her old torn recliner and looked at the room from a perspective she must have, day in and out, for decades. I could see the tv in front of me, to the left was the window with a view to the garden of the front yard, and to the right was a portrait of her husband who died a long time before she did. She must have looked into his eyes everyday and missed him.

“Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart thats pure won’t be denied

The kind of loving that will rock you

The kind of loving that will keep you

Hold you for a lifetime

Even in the hard times, even when its going down..

You’re gonna find someone’s riding with you

You don’t have to be alone, you just have to hold on

You’re gonna find true love..”

take-me-2

What happened to the love from back then? The one that lasted forever, long after your husband has gone. The one that left you believing you’d be with him one day soon, that he was waiting for you.. These days it seems like marriage lasts 7 years, and love lasts even less. How is it that our grandparents marriages last forever, but everyone else is divorcing? Theres some element they have, that we don’t. What is it?

Maybe its because we don’t truly appreciate the other when they are with us, what they do for us, or that it takes effort every single day to make things work. Maybe its because we’re so trained by consumerism to never be satisfied, to always want more or be looking for something better, an upgrade.. Why do people leave each other, when others can make it work forever? We raise our kids in the era of divorce, it feels like every kid has gone or will go through it. And with that kind of backdrop, how can we expect them to believe in a love that lasts more than a few years? Its no wonder everyone is always breaking up.

But when I sat in her chair it wasn’t hard for me to imagine getting a portrait of my own husband, and of days spent there warmed by the suns rays and our own affections. I hadn’t even considered marriage before that, aside from maybe eloping in Las Vegas or something equally as vague. I’d definitely never thought about the part after. But now its a big question in the back of my mind.. What has happened to everlasting love?

“When I think about it

I know that I was never there

Or even cared

The more I think about it

The less that I was able to share

With you

I try to reach you I

Can almost feel you, you’re nearly here

And then you disappear..”

take-me1

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15 Responses to “Everlasting”

  1. Andy Says:

    Everlasting love is still around- at least I bloody hope so!

    Divorce rates will never get any better because divorce is seen as being a simple, acceptable back-up plan, rather than as a failure. People get too caught up in being the stars of their wedding and don’t stop to consider whether they can really see themselves waking up next to this person for the next few decades. Why would you- if you pick the wrong partner, you can always get yourself a quickie divorce and hope for better luck next time.

    So the divorce rate has become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. People know that half of all marriages end in divorce, so divorce is seen as a perfectly acceptable outcome, so people either don’t focus on picking the right person, or they give up on the relationship as soon it hits a rough patch. And so the divorce rate gets worse, which makes it even more acceptable, and so on.

    But the idea of the life-long marriage isn’t completely dead. At least not yet.

  2. TDW Says:

    Everlasting love… now I have that song in my head lol.

    You already mentioned what I think a cause could be – consumerism has made us think that there is always something better out there. We can always do better. We are never satisfied. Of course this seems bad, but the other extreme – just be happy with what you have, seems kind of depressing and pointless to me. To me life is all about finding new things and trying things out, not necessarily constantly looking for greener grass, but pushing your limits and seeing how far you can go. I suppose we have to find a medium between these two extremes.

    Personally I think marriage itself is entirely flawed. De-facto relationship for me 🙂

    That will likely change though… lol.

  3. Reuben Says:

    I have never, and will never, support marriage as an instutition. It’s archaic and backwards.

  4. LuLi Says:

    Andy – Yeah I think the divorce thing is right, its easy and acceptable now, so people don’t mind to do it. Its like they don’t care about giving up anymore, they don’t take marriage seriously. Whereas the more old fashioned generation grew up in times where it was frowned upon, so they’re more reluctant. I think ur marriage will be one of the lucky ones, btw 😉

    TDW – God I didn’t even think of the song and now it troubles me! I agree life is about new and different experiences, but how could u push the experience of a relationship further? I think it would be by fully commiting 😛 Once you are completely in love with someone u might change ur mind about marriage, so that u can keep ur girl from flying away!

    Reuben – Why do so many men say this? What is it that u reject about it?

  5. Marty Says:

    I really, really worry about this one. My attention span is shot, I can barely keep my focus on anything for more than a couple of weeks. It’s a personal flaw, but I also think we have grown up to want something new all the time even if you’re not necessarily into consumerism. Right now I’ve got like three internet windows open and I switch back and forth. It’s just how things are now, everything is available, or at least we have a mentality that everything is always available, even though it isn’t really. I won’t say that we’re adverse to working hard in crises because right around me there are heaps of people typing away working their asses off to get those elusive uni qualifications. But I think we feel more entitled to things these days, so if something is wrong we feel like we don’t have to put up with anything. I wonder where any sort of everlasting love will come from in the current short-visioned climate.

    I think the concept of love has been really cheapened by inane movie endings and those things. It exists, but how many couples just hang around together and then get married just because it’s what is done once you get a bit older? Not that many people end up with the number one man/woman that they long for, the other person generally isn’t interested in him or her enough for it to happen. We don’t actually end up marrying our soulmates. We marry a kind of ‘compromised’ love of our lives.

    I also wonder if we are less capable of loving someone romantically as we get older becuse the more evaluative part of our brains kick in.

    I realise I wasn’t making a coherent argument; just wondering about all of this.

  6. Reuben Says:

    It’s oppressive. I know my socialist friend Kath believes it oppresses women. I also think it’s a rigid archaic system. Married couples should be as equal under the law as single people, fuckbuddies and the rest of any relationships. I’d never get married. I don’t need to waste money on extravagant display and parties to show my love to a partner.

  7. Andy Says:

    Heh. That’s a jumbo serve of stupid right there.

    Marriage is about equal partnership. Your socialist friend Kath is obviously a pillock.

    Married couples ARE as “equal under the law” as single people and fuckbuddies, except for things like property division and super distribution and whatnot. Are you suggesting that fuckbuddies should be forced into Family Court when they get sick of shagging each other? Or that a spouse should have no rights to an equitable division of marital assets upon divorce? Are you under the impression that married people get immunity from speeding fines and unlimited free Coco-pops?

    Or are you just spouting off some idiotic, pointlessly inane, wannabe non-conformist nonsense in a pretty dopey effort to make yourself look all clever and profound?

    (Insert think music here…)

    Seriously- just what the fuck is “oppressive” about marriage? It’s entirely voluntary, there’s no requirement for name changes or specified domestic roles within the marriage, and I’m pretty sure there’s penalties for guys who smack their missus around. With the exception of us mean bastards leaving the toilet seat up, I’d say that modern marriage is a pretty inclusive and equitable institution.

    Not to mention the fact that, as we’ve discussed above, it is a pretty simple, painless process to get out of a marriage. It’s not exactly blood-in-blood-out.

    I’m all for questioning the establishment and everything, and I couldn’t give a flying fuck who wants to get married, live as de factos, casually bone like ferrets or kick back and jack off over Baywatch reruns. But that comment is truly the stupidest thing I’ve heard today.

    And I’ve just finished watching Andrew Bolt on TV. So that’s saying something.

  8. Marty Says:

    You didn’t need to get so personal and triumphant. Unnecessary.

  9. LuLi Says:

    Yeah, I have to say that while I agree with your points Andy, Reuben is just giving his opinion and that should be respected. I didn’t realise how split this topic has people.. But I’m quite split over it myself.

    I would like to read about marriage from a feminists point of view and see if it does have oppressive qualities though. To me it seems like it would be completely a choice so still has equality, but maybe there are aspects of it I’m missing.

    Marty, it would make me sad if we did just marry a compromised love, as gay as the movies are they give me hope sometimes =/

  10. Reuben Says:

    I never said it was oppressive, Andy, I just found it convenient to cite the socialist perspective.

    I’m saying that they should be exactly equal – even in seemingly irrelevant areas of legislation.

    But don’t worry Andy, I’m sure if anyone’s stupid enough to marry a degenerate fucktard like yourself, they wouldn’t have the sanity to divorce.

  11. LuLi Says:

    This went completely sour. No more name calling, please. Lets keep it G rated.

  12. Andy Says:

    You didn’t? My apologies, Reuben. I must have been thrown by you stating “It’s oppressive” when Luli asked “What is it that you reject about it?”. Silly me.

    And the mindfart of an individual socialist (who, if she’s anything like most people I’ve known that characterise themselves as socialists, would probably struggle to actually define “socialism”) is not “the socialist perspective”.

    Once again, you spout nonsense about married couples somehow being unequal under the law, and how “they should be exactly equal”. Now, far be it from big mean ol’ Andy to ask poor widdle Woooooben to explain his meaningless jabber, but I’ve already mentioned the only practical instances of married people having different (note: not necessarily favourable, just different) rights and obligations under the law. Given that laws actually have to deal with reality, rather than some quasi-idealist utopia, how exactly would you suggest that property division be equalised between people who have been married for a few decades, and a couple of folk who got too pissed one night and found themselves pants-down in some alley somewhere?

    Or does your beaming intellect and rapier wit (“Fucktard”? Move over Andrew “Dice” Clay, we have a new insult king!) fall down when it comes time to actually display practical, original thought?

    I mean, my wife might have been stupid enough to marry me, but she’s damn sure capable of fleshing out her own views and values and coming up with considered, pragmatic opinions. So I guess that makes her one up on you, champ.

  13. Reuben Says:

    You’re right. It isn’t pragmatic at all…and it’s not utopian either (and anyone who talks about having a ‘utopia’ clearly is clearly out of touch). But there is no tangible reason why property rights should remain altered for same sex relations. It’s not as if heterosexual couples have different shaped houses to queers.

    And good verbal masturbation skills, Andy. If it wasn’t for your ad hominem attacks, strawman arguments and distinguished verbal dexterity, you might actually have a reasonable point.

  14. Andy Says:

    Heh. You’re funny. Maybe a little challenged, but funny.

    Your “idea” is definitely not pragmatic, and absolutely utopian. Your hand-on-the-heart wailing for “equality” dismisses reality in favour of a ridiculously idealist scenario. The very meaning of “utopian”.

    Irony numero uno: You calling other people “out of touch”.

    An ad hominem is an attack on the person to the exclusion of a discussion of the content of his argument. At the very worst, my personal attack (and calling your opinion “stupid” is a pretty liberal definition of a personal attack) came along with a fair and accurate critique of the shortcomings of your alleged “point”.

    Irony numero dos: Accusing me of using “ad hominem attacks” after your only response to me was to call me names and insult my wife’s intelligence.

    Pray tell- exactly where was my strawman? I used the example that YOU provided, comparing married couples to fuckbuddies. I pointed out that it was disingenuous to expect casual sex partners to be forced to distribute property in the same manner as married couples, in direct response to your comment.

    Irony numero tres: Instead of answering the question at hand and explaining why you think that the property distribution obligations of married couples and fuckbuddies (your example, remember) should be identical, you bring up homosexual property rights. Then you accuse me of using a strawman argument.

    Three for three. Nice shootin’, Tex!

  15. Den Relojo Says:

    Our lives may be summarized as a relationship to those two facets of reality, love and death, which are not dual. They are dynamic. Death is real and unpredictable. A person may die slowly of a debilitating disease or may die swiftly by accidents or suicides. Regardless of the cause, nobody really knows the point of destination after one dies. Though feelings of anger and guilt are normal as you reconstruct the history of your relationship with your loved one, there can be a tendency to focus on those events you wish hadn’t occurred, such as arguments or regrettable behaviors. Have faith that your loved one’s spirit bears no anger or remorse and do your best to celebrate the positives of your relationship.

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