Posts Tagged ‘bitch’

Rejection Guilt

September 22, 2008

“Oh been trying to let it go

Trying to keep my eyes closed

Trying to keep it just like before

Times when I never even thought to speak

Don’t wanna tell you what it is

Oh the way I felt so serious

Got me thinking just too much

I wanna shut it off but..”

I once dated my older brothers friend. Now, I’m not exactly sure where that sits on the right or wrong scale according to national consensus, but at the time (last year) it was slightly off to the wrong end of the continuum. We met at a party in a pub, which is what my brothers crowd does for every birthday, and the first time he approached me I found him to be boring, up himself and superficial. I should have gone with my gut and left it at that.

For something thats apparently ‘so wrong’ everybody that night was all encouraging and pushing for us to talk. After I snobbed him they were coming up to me asking me why and telling me to give him another chance. So I did, and he did better the second time around, got my number, kissed me in front of my brother (damn you alcohol!) and took me on another four dates before I called it off.

The problem was he was too suave, and all about being hip and intellectual, and it was like he was just trying too hard to be cool and at the same time was being condescending towards me for being only 21 (he was 28). I usually like older guys because they’re more mature and they can teach me things and they’re smart, but this guy sneered at me because my favourite movies were Shaun of the Dead and Waynes World. He was all rapt to date a 21 year old, but wanted me to act 28, and I just wanted to be me. But in the beginning he was more himself and we chatted easily about books and shared interests, and it was like he’d fallen from that back into some facade of what he wanted me to think of him.

“Its this one thing that got me trippin

Its this one thing that got me trippin, you did..

This one thing, my soul maybe feelin

Its this one thing you did, uh oh, uh oh..

Its this one thing that caught me slippin

Its this one thing don’t want to admit it, you did..

This one thing and I was so with it

Its this one thing you did, uh oh, uh oh..”

And its a pity too, because in the start I found him to be really sweet and earnest, and I was impressed by the lengths he went to for our dates. Ferris wheels, candle lit dinners in Italian restaurants, blah blah blah. It’s wasted on me, but I still appreciate the effort. This guy was actually pretty perfect. He was hot, built, tall, reliable, had his own apartment in some trendy area, he was very (overly, intimidatingly) fashion conscious, had a good job, liked reading and discussions, wanted to settle down, really liked me.. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. But I threw him away.

My brother got very weird about the whole thing though, he’d barely speak to me, he was very standoffish and it was really ripping me apart. He’s never been anything but completely loving and doting towards me so it was very upsetting that he began acting that way. I couldn’t continue seeing him if it was going to cause a rift between me and my bro, I didn’t even care about his friendship with him because its pretty obvious when you’re dating younger sisters that your friendship is on the back burner. Maybe that should have been a hint? Oh well.

So anyways, he was at the party (in a pub) that I was at last night, and it was the first time I’d seen him in ages. Usually when I bar someone, I can feel their hate burning as they stare at the back of my head, but this time something worse happened. He avoided me, of course, I did the same, but when he looked at me he did it with sadness. Man, I wasn’t prepared for that. I felt like such a dog. I know what it feels like to think that you might be having something special with someone only to see it turn to shit without having any idea why. Its horrible.

“Hey, we don’t know each other well

So why do I keep picking up my cell

Memories just keep ringing bells

Hear voices I don’t wanna understand

My car keys are jingling in my hand

My high heels are clicking towards your door..”

And even though I know its my fault he feels that way because I gave him some lame ass line about not being ready for a relationship, I really want to some how ease his pain but at the same time I know I couldn’t help in any way, unless I somehow fixed his damaged pride by asking him out or telling him I thought I’d made a mistake. But I don’t think I’ve made a mistake and thats whats the worst part, I’ve rejected someone completely from having known them only partially, and I don’t even like him enough to give him another chance. Thats what makes it so awful, because he knows it. I took a look at him and said, ‘sorry, no thanks’ and theres nothing he can do about it, and he has no idea why.

And so I spent the whole night keeping out of his way and trying to melt into the crowd. Eventually we ran into each other head on, and we kissed cheeks and exchanged pleasantries. It couldn’t have gone better, for an awkward old date run in. It troubles me though. Someone opened up to me and tried their hardest to swoon me, and I did what I hate boys doing, and left him without any idea of what was wrong. He wouldn’t have thought that it was something little, he would assume it was about his character, because you always assume the worst. I know I do.

I just had to be a cold bitch. Arghhh.

“And maybe I just can’t believe it

Its this one thing you did, uh oh,

I can’t deny, tired of trying

Nothing left to do but to give up seeing you

I’m hoping you can keep a secret, for me

Its what you did..”