Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

In Relation To The Zoological Gardens

October 12, 2010


I don’t get it, the zoo is boring and its for kids who don’t know what giraffes look like yet. When I think of stuff to do with my boyfriend its not going to be to stand in front of a shit-filled paddock and try to make out the yaks. We’ll just go get drunk and make out in a paddock wearing yak fur hats. Well, not really but you know what I’m getting at.

Two separate couples zoo photo excursions have popped up in my newsfeed this week alone. It is only Tuesday. Allah knows how many zoo albums I would find if I scoured my friends list. A part of me wants to do it to prove a point. That freak scares me and I won’t let her stalk her way through peoples personal memory jpegs, scoffing at their couple happiness and laughing at their awkward attempts at kissing photos.

Why the zoo? What is it about imprisoned animals displayed for your amusement that gets those love beads jingling? It smells weird, the food is overpriced and you never get to see the lions because they’re always asleep and I for one don’t even believe they’re in there. C’MON I JUST WANT TO KNOW! The monkeys aren’t that amusing.

Also I know I said I was on a break, but it’s always the times I tell myself not to write that I want to the most. And the times when I desperately want to update that I’m overcome with writers block.

So anyway, what do you think? Did you take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the zoo? Did you take pictures of yourselves kissing in front of the butterfly house and upload them to facebook? What is the philosophy behind this phenomena? Where did it originate? Is it part of some secret couples only step by step guide to consolidating a relationship distributed when you file your application for a fb romance?

Step  1. Facebook official.

Step 2. Profile pic couple shot.

Step 3. Zoo excursion (and resulting photoshoot uploaded to your social network).

Step 4. Gooey love heart statuses.

Step 5. ???????

Step 6. Profit!!!


He Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain’t One

September 28, 2009

To all of you who didn’t believe how many psychos I attract, come listen to a tale of wackness and wtf.. Please note a lot of this was facebook action so there will be a lot of ‘mes’d this’ and ‘wall that’. Sorry in advance.

“I don’t like it when you callin out my name

And get mad coz I said no to your drink

Why can’t you just let me breathe?

Enjoy the music, get off of me!

You make me wanna pull my hair out

You’re the reason I don’t like comin out

Stand here kickin that madness out ya mouth

I’m too grown for that!”


My story begins in my documentary class, where I didn’t particularly notice anyone, but someone apparently noticed me. Then I was out drinking (whats new?) with some of my crew at the local and I saw someone familiar standing beside me. “Hey aren’t you in my class?” I said. And with those dumb first words, an obsession was born, unbeknownst to me. Why do I think men can just be my friend? They never just want to be my friend. Any attempt at a platonic friendship with a guy from uni is not going to work, because as soon as you say hello, they think you’re interested.

Fuck. I just got a little depressed for a second. Okay moving on. So he was all over my facebook, writing annoying things to every post I ever made and it was becoming quite clear that he was either extra attentive to his new fb mates, or that he had a crush on me. I artfully swatted away wall conversations by asking minimal questions and saying ‘catch you later’ or something to that effect after a few mes’s had come to pass and slowly it seemed he was calming down.

Then, out clubbing with my friends, I ran into him again. But remembering his over-eager efforts I kept it short and did my thing. I also saw one of my favourite old friends, Jon, a guy who I rarely see and loves to dance as much as I do, and we kicked it on the dancefloor old school. I noticed the uni guy, lets call him fcukface, was usually around me but I wasn’t playing into that mess. Later on, Jon did try to kiss me, but I told him that while I thought he was one of the best guys, unfortunately I liked someone else. True to character, Jon said “At least I got to know you better tonight,” and even kept hanging out with me like nothing had changed.

The next day I wake up and check fb, and see that fcukface has written “Jon aye?” on my wall. Not only that but he added my sister, who he doesn’t know. Jon is also a fb friend so whatever I reply to this he will see, so I’m thinking fuck! How can I diffuse this by not saying anything about what happened with me and Jon, or anything that will offend Jon, or anything that will lead to more comment about him & I? I decided to private mes fcukface something along the lines of “Me and Jon are good mates, but if I had of known you were so interested, I would have hooked you two up.” I also asked how he knew my sis. He wrote something boring, admitting that he didn’t know her, he just likes to add ppl from our area and I cut the mes short again.

“I dont know what you take me as

Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has

I’m from rags to riches bitches, I ain’t dumb

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

99 problems but a bitch ain’t one..

If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one!”


Almost immediately after this, he changes his status to “Why should I put in any more effort? Fuck the stupid bitch!” or something like that I can’t quite remember the exact words because he deleted it later. But that’s when I knew he was psycho material. And I was particularly shocked by his sentiment, I barely knew him, had only spoken to him a few times when I saw him out, what kind of relationship was he imagining us to have? And how could he be so resentful towards me that he was calling me a stupid bitch?

Two days later I was supposed to have my doco class and I was dreading it. I needed to go because I know almost nothing about video production, but I didn’t wanna see fcukface because he was freaking me out. I decided to suck it up and just go, sat away from him & avoided eye contact. Luckily that day we were getting assigned to our doco groups so I only had to stay for ten minutes instead of 2 hours, because we were supposed to be using that time to create our docos together. I hurried out of the room and never looked back.

By the time I got home he’d written on my wall something about me only being in class for five minutes, blah blah blah, I shut the shit down again. And then for a while, thankfully, all was quiet on the western front.

Then, in finals season, a flare-up. Message, message, message. I was pretty fed up. After we won the grand final there was no stopping me going out and running a muck (Go Cats woOoOoOo!) but anyway he was out again. Draining my life with his conversations at the local. My girl spirited me away with a trip to the bathroom and said “You looked like you needed to be saved.” I wondered what I could do to end it without making him sad, or angry, or psycho. Maybe it was all just about avoiding him as much as I could. But I didn’t want to surrender my local to him, or have to run away all the time, that shit is a pain in the ass. I want to live my life and be normal.

“Its not hot, that when I’m blocking your phone number

You call me over your best friends house

And its not hot that I can’t even go out with my girlfriends

Without you tracking me down

You need to chill out with that mess

Coz you can’t keep having me stressed

Coz every time my phone rings it seems to be you

And I’m prayin that it is someone else!”


On to the club, literally a five minute walk from the pub, he cornered me again there for a chat. But, by this point, I was 4 jagerbombs down and no longer gave a fuck about the world. All I was thinking about was going home, smoking my last joint and chilling on the couch under the back verandah. So when he asked what I was doing after, I told him exactly that. “What? You smoke weed?” He said, a confused and disgusted look on his face.

Fucking bingo. Who knew it could be this easy? “Of course I smoke weed,” I began. “In fact I smoke so much, I doubt you would have ever spoken to me straight..” And launched into the mythical tale of my new persona ‘weed-drug-hippie-Luli’, complete with philosophical meandering and my new exaggerated habits of smoking daily and dabbling into whatever was offered to me. I waxed lyrical about the meaning of life, and how drugs can open up a new perspective better than anything the real world had to offer. All while his face contorted into a mixture of horror and contempt. Stupid goody-two shoes idiots, they’re always so judgemental.

And I was free, almost. Today I woke up to a ripper of a facebook mes, I haven’t had a laugh like this in a while. Anyways, here it is:

“Hey Luli,

Its a shame coz u were doin so well. U lost it half way through the second half n decided 2 go philosophical. And try 2 rationalise the use of illicit substances. The reason u know little about me is coz u didn’t ask any proper questions and all I got asked were things like ‘what is real?’ Well, try 2 look after yourself,


See ya later motherfucker. DELETED!!!


“When you smoke all my weed man

You gotta call the green man

So I can get mine, and you get yours

I’m my own man, so when will ya learn

That you got a man but I gots to burn

Don’t make no difference if I end up alone

I’d rather have myself and smoke my home grown

Its got me addicted, does more than any dick did

So I can get mine, and you get yours!”

Does Facebook Breed Unhappiness?

June 9, 2009


Its Sleep Month, my darlings. That means no work for a month, and time to re-energise my brain with books and movies and ideologies. So far, so good, I’ve pretty much regained my olden time sleeping habits of bed at 5-6am and waking up 2pm! I know my body was built for being a creature of the night, how else can you explain its stubbornness in sleeping during the sunlight hours?

As for the brain activity, its comforting to know that it still works and seeks knowledge when it gets to live outside of the 9-5 hours. I am now expanding my quest to anything and everything interesting, within reason. So book, movie and philosophy strain recommendations are all welcome! For the record I am currently half-way through five books, Brida – Paulo Coelho, The Art Of Happiness – Dalai Lama & Howard Cutter, Awareness – De Mello, Tarot Wisdom – Rachel Pollack and Men & Women – Kevin Childs.


I’ve been thinking about Facebook and why its detrimental to the self. I think Twitter and Myspace also apply, Friendster if its still in use, and all those other profile page type websites (blogs too?). If my research is correct (its usually not) then happiness is a state of mind that can only be obtained from within, without reliance on any outer source. I’m blending De Mello with the Dalai here, so bear with me, but we’re trying to be content with what we have, and that satisfaction raises our general state of ‘meh’ to one of ‘life’s pretty cool yo’.

(I’m going to digress for a second, I did an assignment for web journalism the other day on the everlasting love thing I blogged about in March, and my lecturer critiqued my writing as sometimes sounding ‘too academic’! What the damn fuck? Me! The most inarticulate, swearing, personal story blogger of the seven ISP’s ‘academic’?? You best be trolling, fool! Anyway, maybe I do, I’m not sure, but I’m going to try and combat it if I can. ‘Academic’ is a voice for journal articles and the Discovery Channel, not for me.)

So, moving on, it occurred to me that signing into Facebook shifts your mental focus from whatever coherent thoughts you were having, to being completely and almost mindlessly angled to what others think of you. You apply for their acceptance of friendship. You wait for comments on your page, your photos, your status updates, your applications, quizzes, groups, interests, favourite quotes.. It goes on and on. You refresh your page to see what new things people have done in that minute to your profile or their own. Its almost hypnotic.


It reminds me of high school. Suddenly, all the idiots you never cared about have access to judge your life all over again. And sure, its nice to be in touch and see what everyone is doing, but if you really cared you’d already know, right? Its the popularity contest, the beauty contest, the coolest person contest (was that ever a contest?).. You’ve undone all your good work of distancing yourself from peoples opinions, because the very existence of an account brings the social affirmation aspect with it.

Or is that the weak way to look at it? A truly enlightened soul would enjoy an account without a care in the world of who accepted or who commented. But therein lies the problem. The majority of us are not enlightened, and are not already internally happy. We are the ever-unsatisfied consumer, haunted by images of celebrities and athletes, dealing with the issues of our shrinking self esteems and capitalist oppression. Facebook is the perfect device to feed into that. Its the validation thing. You have to always update your profile/wall, just like you have to update your wardrobe/household items.

What do you think, unhealthy? Or fine in moderation?

Is Public Breastfeeding Inappropriate?

September 2, 2008

The other day at uni some of the class got into a bit of a debate about breastfeeding in public. There’s this Italian chick in that subject who seriously reminds me of the bitch from Mean Girls. I’m not sure if she’s trying to act like her, or she just unconsciously channels her personality but I swear you’d see it too if I pointed her out. So naturally she’s a bigoted ignorant mofo, and she was arguing against it, saying it was inappropriate.

Me and this Portuguese girl were on the other side, saying that women should be allowed to do it and everyone else was shouting their opinions over the top of us. But the more I thought about it, the less I could reason why I thought I was right. Breastfeeding is important for a baby because they get the nutrients that can only come from their mothers milk and it helps them to become strong and healthy babies. To deny or discriminate against mothers would make them stop the act much faster than is healthy for the baby, when it should be encouraged. It is against the law under the sex discrimination act to discriminate against women breastfeeding, even in the workplace.

But I think what I thought about it was that it was not intended as a sexual act. So I said that to Italia adding, “Its for the purpose of nourishing the baby. In that case I would not find the nudity inappropriate, like I would if say, some guy revealed himself to me on a train or whatever. Which to me would be offensive, and I’d find it harassing.” Then, this guy jumps in and says, “Oh yeah sure, if it was David Beckham I bet you wouldn’t care.” Is that the most stupidest point in the world or what? Portugal and I gave him this look that said he was a retard and I told him that actually yes, I would care.

Anyway the teacher stopped us and changed the subject, but later I was thinking about it and I realised that comment is way more fucked up than I initially thought. Is he trying to insinuate that as long as harassment comes from a good looker, women would be okay with it? What the fuck? Sure, Mr. Beckham, you may as well rape me while you’re out there, I mean I’m lucky to come across a piece as fine as yours! Or was he just trying to imply that only I was a slut, in an indirect way? That I couldn’t resist one if it was put in front of me? Yesterday I was kind of okay with the whole argument but today I want to go back and punch him in the face. Fucking slow brain, never understanding things properly until the next day! Arghhhh.

His whole ‘point’ just ruined the convo anyway, because the teacher obviously clicked better than I did and intervened before we got any more offensive. But what is it that makes some nudity less offensive than others? In Australia we have plenty of commercials with bare bottomed babies running around jumping into piles of nappies and such, but in America its considered crude, and they never show babies nude on television. Some child nudity in art is okay, but as we all saw not long ago, some people find child nudes in art to be bordering on pedophilia.

If I was offended by breastfeeding, I would simply turn my head. I mean, why are you watching anyway? Facebook also got into the debate last year, after removing pictures of women breastfeeding which resulted in a massive outcry from so-called ‘lactivists’ around the world. What do you think about it? Is it a mothers right or is it an inappropriate display of nudity? I know I’d probably feel embarrassed to do it in public, but I would like to have the option should I need to do it one day. And I expect that by the time I was a mother I would be a lot more mature and less shy anyway. Man, I really wanna slap that guy now.

Wanna Swap Cat Stories?

July 27, 2008

One thing I love about Facebook are all the groups you can join, but sometimes it weirds me out when strangers try to add me through them. I’m very suspicious, and I think that almost everyone is a spy sent from my enemies, trying to look at my page. Although, I’m very tempted to accept the friend requests of hot guys, I can um and er over those for days before declining.

Today some chick tried to add me because we have the same type of cat and are in a group together. I dunno, I found it weird. I could add her I suppose, but what for? What will we say to each other? She wants to swap cat stories, she said. I don’t have cat stories, I just have a cute cat! He does things every now and then but they’re not stories.

Pooky, Mon Petite` Meow

I’ll feel bad to decline her, I always feel bad declining people I don’t know but I really hate awkwardness and can’t imagine anything beneficial coming out of it. And how silly is that, somebody wants to be my friend and I say fuck off! Am I that antisocial? See how I over think things? She’s still sitting there, 1 friend request, probably will be for days.

The thing is I’m kind of a private person, I hate that on FB everybody knows when I update or add someone. If someone sends me a private message and I cbf replying, I have to not do anything that can be seen in my page that would let the person know I’m online. The thought of some weird cat lady having free access to all my info is worrying to me.

Cattie, The Prince Of Orange

I can’t even let my friends or family read this blog, because I would hate them knowing too much of what I think. Plus I wouldn’t want to censor myself and if I knew they read it I would change it all, rewrite everything, delete posts. It fucks up creativity. But then, what kind of person am I that I have to hide all my thoughts away, like they were evil or harmful? Who has this many secrets from their loved ones?

I think I’ll ignore the friend request.