Posts Tagged ‘family’

Mr Jones

August 17, 2010

“Believe in me

Help me believe in anything

Because I want to be someone who believes..”

You know someone cares about you when your tears make them cry. That’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past ten minutes. Remembering when my sisters cried for me, and when my cousin Tom cried for me. And when I cried for him when his brother died. Just imagining their pain is unbearable, so you cry. You cry because you don’t want them to feel it. Because you can’t help that they do feel it.

I’m his favourite cousin and best friend. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to be there. He lost his bro, his partner in crime, possibly the closest person to him in his life. What can I say to him? He’s not the kind of person who will open up and tell you his feelings. He’s a 24 year old guy who grew up on a farm, who is almost painfully intelligent, in the way that he may be the smartest person I know, kind of a genius. And he has that whole macho, manly farmer thing happening. His best mate is overseas. I’m 3hrs away and stuck there for uni.

Its like that time where people start forgetting the loss. Or they start avoiding it in conversation. That’s kinda the worst part about it, that whole silence that makes it feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because people are still feeling the pain but they don’t want to bring it up because it’s past the appropriate grieving time. Sometimes because I live so far away I forget that he’s even gone. Because I’m not in their day to day lives enough to feel that immediate loss. So I can just be thinking about Tom and then casually wonder something about Bill. And then I remember that he’s gone, and the last time I saw him was my birthday, 6 months before he died, and I really should have made more of an effort to see him and be in his life. And I wonder if I was always as nice to him as I could’ve been.

I have this tissue box that for some reason the girls started drawing on the night of my birthday. They were drawing mermaids on it and taking pictures, just to be silly. It’s the only thing I have to remind me of the last time I saw him. I even used some of the tissues when crying about him. They only just ran out the other day.

I can’t imagine how Tom is feeling. He’s cheated of a best man. A best friend. We were supposed to all have kids that would play together while we drank beers on the outside porch. We were going to be old together. I’ve been trying not to think about it really. I mean I think about it every day, but I don’t think about it in depth. The boys all play guitar, suddenly they’ve all started learning the songs Bill used to play. Its almost like a duty. It’s their way of showing that his memory won’t be lost. That we’ll always play those songs and think of him. He loved getting drunk and playing guitar and singing to us. We all did. It’s like a family tradition.

It’s just so hard to think that I can never have a conversation with him again, because I can still hear his voice in my head. He really was the happy one who joked all the time and laughed the loudest. He was popular and had heaps of girlfriends and mates and played football and was good looking. I remember playing with him as kids, he loved animals. I just can’t understand why he did it. I don’t get why suddenly my cousin is missing from existence. I’ve been to his grave and I still don’t believe it. These things aren’t supposed to happen.

It really makes you re-evaluate life. I suddenly feel very clingy with my family, all my friends, I’m worried about everyone I know. I couldn’t handle it being someone closer, how terrible is that to think? But I mean I couldn’t handle it happening again. On top of this. I can’t bear it. So imagine how badly Tom must be feeling. That makes me cry. He’s practically muted on the topic and he lost his closest friend. How do you help someone who can’t express themselves? I’ll be there in a few weeks, but that’s as soon as I can manage.

This year is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. It’s the bad parrallel universe. Don’t you ever get that feeling like you’re living the bad life in a choose your own adventure? That you made the wrong choice down the line somewhere and wound up on the wrong path. That’s what 2010 has been for me. None of it is within my control. I can’t fix any of it.

He loved Mr Jones by Counting Crows. He loved a lot of songs but I can’t remember them all. Anyway, this song will always make me sad.



July 21, 2010

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Its hard to remember that when I get upset and angry, it all comes from my fear. Fear of peoples opinions or not getting what I want, or all this other shit that in reality means little to nothing. I can’t sit here and be eaten by fear all the time. I was fearless once, I want to be again. I can’t act from fear, I have to act against it. I have to be the strength I want to see in others, the truth that I want to be told, the courage to go against the grain, the right in spite of the wrong.

I don’t know about any of you, but my 2010 has been a bit of a slap to the face. I found myself having to deal with some real shit I never saw myself being in a position to endure. And step by step, it has only seemed to have gotten worse. A part of me wants to give up and say fuck it, what can I do? I want to disengage and run away and forget it all. But that can only work for so long. And losing someone close to me has made me realise that I have to face it. I have to open up communication and give my problems the attention and solutions they deserve, despite how hard it is, despite the fear I’m feeling inside. Because running away can never work, it always catches up to you.

I wish I could be like my sisters, and always know whats right or wrong. They always know exactly what to say and they’re always truthful. I wish I could magic my problems away with a puff of cloud and be done with them. I want to be the clever fox who slips away into the night, always a step ahead of the game, never having to own up to the mishaps that lay before me. Because I’m not as strong as I like to think I am. I’m overly sensitive I suppose. Is it because I want to make others feel better about themselves, or because I want others to feel better about me? Maybe both.

Its so easy to get caught up in selfishness, to forget that you’re trying to be good and do the right thing at any intersection you come across. I mostly get it right, but some slip ups leave me so far deep in the wrong that I can’t fathom a way to climb up out of them. And my pride doesn’t think I should have to. But so what if I’m wrong? So what if I’m an idiot? Why should I care so much about having a righteous image? I’ve fucked up plenty of times.

I guess that in itself is a reason. I don’t want to fuck up anymore. I already lived that life, made the wrong choices, pleased only myself. I don’t want to constantly be thought of as the fuck up of the family. I want to be normal, stable, dependable. I want to be the white sheep, not the black one. But its too hard to bleach the wool.

I know what I have to do. What I have to say. So, just do it. Stop being frozen with fear and stand up and say what has to be said. And if you are left with wounds and people who are unhappy with you, so be it. It is their choice to make, they decide how they will react to something. And don’t be surprised when they react with fear, because you often do too.


R.I.P. Cousin

July 8, 2010

How could we have seen pain so deep

No words came to the surface

Despite everything he knew he had

He could not find a purpose

We laughed with him but never knew

The grief and fear he felt

And he couldn’t find the voice to say

‘I’m in trouble, please send help’

Silence left to ache, to wonder

What we could have done or said

To admit it he would lose himself..

And so we lost him instead.

Love you always Billy. 1991-2010

To The Girl I Used To Be

June 30, 2010

This is a letter to my 16 year old self inspired by the lovely Kezza’s most recent post If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

Dear Luli,

Boys can be rats. You’re messing with one of the worst of the bunch, the rat who pretends to be a cute little mouse. Look inside to see whether his actions match up with your morals, because if they don’t, the boy is not worth the trouble. Trust me, even if he leaves now, there will be plenty of chances for you to change your mind, he always comes running back. Realising you’re worth more than his constant bullshit becomes a source of ego and inspiration for you later though, so I dunno. The shattering of your trust for men might be more precious.

Forget the cool kids! They are ridiculous and you know it! You’re too smart to waste all your weekends drinking until you stumble and befriending mean people who mean nothing to you in the long run. Some of them even turn on you. Your “best friend” especially, but she does it in a more elongated, tortuous, slow and malicious way that does not become apparent for years. All those popular boys are just pigs in the end. They hit their girlfriends and get drug addictions and have 3 baby mamas each.

Run away from them and go back to your friendly, sweet boys. One of which you know has a crush on you, who you have a crush on too. If you pass up the chance he gives you, you will regret it forever. He goes into a long term relationship with a chick who makes your life hell for a while, and is still seeing till this day! You’re still best friends with him, but there’s always a sad spot inside that wishes things went differently that will probably always be there.

You were blessed with a brain, with creativity and wit, so use these gifts! When you try, you never fail, so try harder. I know its easy to just coast by without doing too much and still getting ahead, but if you put a little bit of effort in you could go so far. Doing it now will make it easier for you in university, otherwise you start to lose motivation due to lack of practice and organisation. Studying is fun, you love to learn and to be an expert on different things. Don’t waste that brain of yours, engage and preserve it.

The person you are deep down is a lot cooler than you realise, so stop trying to hide her. Stop clamming up in social engagements, you’re actually good at talking and you’re very friendly. If you let other people notice then you would have a lot more fun in uni and at work. You learn to do it eventually of course, but the years you spend being a snob rubbed off on you and now your body language is probably always going to scream ‘unapproachable’. You are outgoing and eccentric, and the sooner you start letting that out the better your life gets.

Go easy on people, ok? Especially your family, they end up becoming the closest and most loyal people in your life. Nobody is perfect, and you can’t even live up to your own expectations, so when they do something you don’t like cut them a bit of slack and try to be kinder. Treat people and their feelings gently and strive to leave only a positive imprint on the world, not a negative one. Compassion is the most beautiful quality a person can have. You have the ability to make someones day much better by just saying a kind word, or sparing a bit of change, so try to do it whenever you can.

However, don’t interpret that as to mean you can let people walk all over you. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If you disagree, speak up. Don’t be bullied into anything, and never act out of fear. Look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what you think. It’s liberating. Don’t worry about what others think of you, let them think. If anything, it should amuse you that you are on their minds. People love to pull other people down, but learn to trust that your opinion is the only one that matters.

You may not realise it at this moment, but the girl you are now makes some critical decisions that shape her path for a long time to come. It’s hard to say now, being your 8 year older self, whether these slip ups have chipped away at your character for good.. or made you stronger and wiser. We will have to wait for my 8 year older self to write to me, so that we can see. You’re still hopelessly naive, so maybe we still have a chance at reversing some of the painful events that have wearied you along the way.

Be strong, Luli. Adopt cats.

Love, 24 year old you.

“If I had to do it all again

I wouldn’t take away the rain

Coz I know it made me who I am

If I had to do it all again

I learned so much from my mistakes

Thats how I know he’s watching me

Nobody knows what life may bring

It might make you happy

It might make you sad

But I know there’s a reason for everything

That’s why I keep believing

Whatever’s meant to be is gonna be..”


March 26, 2009

“The place we used to be is still a part of me

And I’m so fortunate lady that you still need a piece of me

And I know that you’re waiting, see I’m only down town

You know I roll alone girl, I’m never with a crowd..

Take me back to the day when you made me fall

I want to go, I want to go

Make me feel like you did the very first time we ever touched

I want to go, lets just go..”


I went to stay at my great-grandmothers place these holidays, and while she passed away when I was five and the house has been renovated since, it still has her feel and her essence. You can’t escape it. Maybe it comes from knowing her, knowing what kind of woman she was and how caring and selfless she was. But how can you really know what kind of person someone is when you’re five? I knew she was loving and kind, and thats all I needed.

One of the first things we did was walk around and check everything out, see what we remembered and what was new. Touch and prod and feel and try on. Her mink coat was gone, a tribute to her classic style. She was pearls and 1940’s curls, designer chic for dinner and nautical colors as she relaxed around the house. We stared at a glamour pic of her from her youth, she must have been early twenties. “You look like her, ” my sister said. And I was surprised to find I agreed with her. We have dark hair and the same nose. I felt like family for once.

One thing really struck a chord with me as I sat down in her old torn recliner and looked at the room from a perspective she must have, day in and out, for decades. I could see the tv in front of me, to the left was the window with a view to the garden of the front yard, and to the right was a portrait of her husband who died a long time before she did. She must have looked into his eyes everyday and missed him.

“Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart thats pure won’t be denied

The kind of loving that will rock you

The kind of loving that will keep you

Hold you for a lifetime

Even in the hard times, even when its going down..

You’re gonna find someone’s riding with you

You don’t have to be alone, you just have to hold on

You’re gonna find true love..”


What happened to the love from back then? The one that lasted forever, long after your husband has gone. The one that left you believing you’d be with him one day soon, that he was waiting for you.. These days it seems like marriage lasts 7 years, and love lasts even less. How is it that our grandparents marriages last forever, but everyone else is divorcing? Theres some element they have, that we don’t. What is it?

Maybe its because we don’t truly appreciate the other when they are with us, what they do for us, or that it takes effort every single day to make things work. Maybe its because we’re so trained by consumerism to never be satisfied, to always want more or be looking for something better, an upgrade.. Why do people leave each other, when others can make it work forever? We raise our kids in the era of divorce, it feels like every kid has gone or will go through it. And with that kind of backdrop, how can we expect them to believe in a love that lasts more than a few years? Its no wonder everyone is always breaking up.

But when I sat in her chair it wasn’t hard for me to imagine getting a portrait of my own husband, and of days spent there warmed by the suns rays and our own affections. I hadn’t even considered marriage before that, aside from maybe eloping in Las Vegas or something equally as vague. I’d definitely never thought about the part after. But now its a big question in the back of my mind.. What has happened to everlasting love?

“When I think about it

I know that I was never there

Or even cared

The more I think about it

The less that I was able to share

With you

I try to reach you I

Can almost feel you, you’re nearly here

And then you disappear..”


Merry Xmas

December 26, 2008


I love the Xmas season and spirit, I used to be excited by presents, but leading up to this year I was just like ‘Blah, we all buy each other gifts, whats the point, who cares..’ There was nothing I could think of that I wanted, or that people could give me that would excite me because I have money, and I can just buy what I need for myself. And I stress out when I buy for others because the hugeness of my family means I have to take a lot of time to find stuff, and I want to get them something they would want, not just look at and think ‘meh’. So this year I thought, I only ever want clothes so thats what I’ll get them. Plus I know clothes, so it was an easy way out.

I was completely blown away by the gifts I recieved from people. When you get a gift, and you didn’t even want anything and it turns out to be something you love, its the best thing ever. Because it means that the person who gave it to you truly knows you. They get who you are and what you are about. I never realised how much my family actually knew who I was, but those gifts proved it. And it is so comforting to think that I’m understood.


Some of the stand out things were a set of artists and charcoal pencils, because I used to sketch quite well, but I stopped drawing because I suppose being creative got pushed down on the list of priorities when I started partying, working and studying. But not long ago I was mucking around with charcoal and it was such a pleasure to use, so someone was obviously paying attention and its nice to be encouraged.

I got a little golden argile, or shishka, or hookah, or whatever you call it. To me its an argile, and it reminds me of the nights I spent in Lebanese homes, playing cards and having fun without alcohol, because they were all Muslim. That was a big part of my life, I was always at a function or visiting someones relatives, doing the 3-kiss cheek thing and shocking people with my Arabic. But I haven’t thought of that life for a long time, its behind me.

Anime, clothes, Gilmore Girls dvds, a manicure set because I’m always painting and preening my nails, a palmistry book because I’m into all that, as you would know. It would be a nice prelude to reading someone’s Tarot if I could check out their palm first and get an idea on their life. They all lead to one another, Tarot, palmistry, runes, astrology. So once you’ve learnt one, its a lot easier to learn another, because its from the same school of thought. And you all might roll your eyes, but I like to think I have an intuitive gift for reading.


The present that made my eyes tear up was a book from my mother about Australian foreign correspondents and some of their stories and anecdotes. She’s never been a fan of me learning Arabic or hanging out with Muslims, or involving myself in politics and defending things she didn’t understand. We had a bad relationship when I was 16 till about 20 because I was so immersed in it, and she seemed unfairly biased, so I just shut her out and she resented it even more. We mended ourselves and we’re very close now, she is one of my closest friends and we think of ourselves in a Gilmore-esque way, but for her to give me this book just stunned me. It was like saying, ‘Hey I know we always had our fights, and I disapproved of your plans to go to Palestine and fight for something that has nothing to do with you, for reasons I never got, but I believe in you. I know this is what you want to do and I support it and I’m going to help you.’

I always had doubts in my mind, but when you see that people truly do believe in you, and think you can achieve your goals it gives you so much confidence. I’m used to defending and persuading people to understand what I want to do, I’ve never been supported or encouraged. So that gift meant a lot to me. All of them did. Its one thing for people to say ‘You’re okay Luli, we get you, we understand you,’ because words are malleable, they come and go, they can be empty. But when you are shown that you are valued, it means more than anything that can be said, and its concrete evidence.


This Christmas I expected to be drained and bored, and instead I was left inspired and awed. I feel like people know me, and that makes me think that I’ve fully developed myself, who I am and all of that. It gives me confidence and a feeling of happiness that is unmatched by anything I’ve ever felt, because I’m sure of myself now, and all I want to do is make other people happy too. Because I know that through whatever I can always be okay, but not everyone is given the tools or resources I have for finding their own happiness. Some people are slipping, and some have given up altogether. And some don’t have the kind of support base that I’ve been blessed with to draw inner strength or peace from.

To me Xmas is about supporting and showing family and friends your love in a blatantly honest way, because during the rest of the year it can sometimes be hidden and unknown. The second part is reaching out and doing whatever you can to help those who are not as fortunate as you are, because we are not all born with the ability to help ourselves. And there is nothing more uplifting than when someone says to you, “I’m behind you, and I’m going to help.”

It gives you hope.

More Meme Madness

December 15, 2008

Okay, Rayedish gave me a meme to get my mind off my loss and I am very thankful. I’m also in a good mood after seeing a journo throw his shoes at George Bush in Iraq.. Ahh, much lulz were had. I remember my Lebanese friend was always copping a ‘shahaito’ thrown at the head for her insolence, apparently it is one of the most disrespectful things you can do in their culture. So props to Mr courageous journalist, way to stay neutral! Ahaha..

Sorry about the font wackness, it really shits me but I can’t fix it.

1) Five names you go by


My full name


My last name +ie on the end

Ruby – This has something to do with me not being able to say scooby doo as a kid and my mum likes to still call me it.

2) Three things you are wearing right now.

A cornflower blue sundress

Ghetto gold.. the real blingy thick kind

Purple nail polish


3) Two things you want very badly at the moment.

A new lappy

A holiday in Thailand or some tropical party place.

4) Three people who I’d like to see fill this out.

TDW already volunteered, my girl Wendy and Marty also. But I like to pick my whole blogroll because you kids always have good answers, so please feel free to take it up!

5) Two things you did last night.

Read ‘New Moon’ the second part to the Twilight series. I’m freaking obsessed! I can’t wait to see the movie.

Was hungover. Saturday arvo we began at 3pm and I finished at around 3am that night so I put in a solid effort. It coulda been a lot worse considering the shots I was doing.

6) Two things you ate today.

Some fruit lollies.

Tabouli.. has anyone else noticed that Safeway tabouli actually tastes decent lately?

7) Two people you last talked to on the phone.

My brothers wife called me to ask what I wanted for xmas, and the help desk at work. Everything computer related seems to be going bad for me lately, I think I have tech karma for not ‘backing up’. Bah!

8 ) Two things you are going to do today.

Finish this New Moon book (and wish I had bought the third one).

Watch Project Runway, it’s the finale and the contestants are all supremely shit this cycle, but I gotta follow through.


9) Two longest car rides.

Melb to QLD.. In retrospect, why would anyone want to do this? Hello, Jetstar cheap flights!

I spent the most excruciating four days driving around Wales with my dad at the end of our trip to England. By then we were so sick of each other we could barely speak, and my dad called me a tart and I cried. He felt so guilty that he bought me everything I wanted for the rest of the trip. That valuable lesson in manipulation was not wasted on me.

10) Two of your favourite drinks.

Coffee.. in latte form, as big as I can get it.

Vodka and cranberry. Cranberry is good for you and not sugary sweet, and vodka is what heaven is made of.

11) And bold the ones you’ve done.

I have….

1. Started my own blog (You’re looking at it!)

2. Slept under the stars (Best done on a trampoline in summer)

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than I can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain (I hope the blue mountains count, and hiking trails count)

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sung a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched lightning at sea

14. Taught myself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning (and more often, alcohol poisoning)

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown my own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight (And sleeping bag fights where you get in your sleeping bag backwards and charge at each other in your blind state)

22. Hitchhiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (3 out of 4 sickdays are a hangover)

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Skied a marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse (I think I have.. can’t remember if that means lunar or solar)

30. Watched a sunrise

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught myself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (Although, I could always have more! But money is easy come, easy go with me)

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight (Romance is wasted on me!)

46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had my portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (and wrote my name on it.. I’m bad!)

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud (if by played you mean fallen over in it, in front of the whole school, then yes.)

54. Gone to a drive-in theatre

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business (Car washing round the neighbourhood at like 10. I was shit. People asked for refunds.)

58. Taken a martial arts class (I often tell people I’m brown belt in Tae Kwon Do, but I only did 1 class)

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp

67. Bounced a cheque

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favourite childhood toy (I’m a hoarder)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (Its just a bunch of guards marching around.. yawn)

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (And drove it! I was a little rev head until I crashed and hurt my knee)

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican (and harassed the tourists)

82. Bought a new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had my picture in the paper

85. Read the entire Bible (Actually, it was the Koran)

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chicken pox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Ridden an elephant 

Goddamn formatting kills me.. AAAAAAAAARGH!!!

All I Want For Xmas Is…

December 9, 2008


Its time for one of my favourite blog activities, the elusive and informative meme, passed on through generations of friends and always showing up at exactly the right moment! TDW both invented and challenged me to this one, and I think we all know that I was taking up the meme whether he formally asked to or not, so its irrelevant if I was specifically propositioned. I don’t need to be, I live this shit yo! Meme’s are my love! (No, he didn’t ask me, of course I took it upon myself, true to Luli form).

Regardless, I do actually want to see what you mofos have been wishing for all year, so consider this your very own invitation. That means you Marty, Gully, Domino, Wendy, Den, J, Insanity540, Kezza (perhaps with a santa hat photoshoot?), Andy if your holiday down here is boring you, Ray, Wah, Bron, Rayedish, Reuben (your very own tram service maybe?) and any other lurkers hiding in the darkness, reading me with hatred and venomous spite!

So my friends, feel free to get me any of these things:


My old laptop back with all the best upgrades money can buy. I had a mouse that was a round little ball thing in the middle of the keyboard and it was the best thing I’ve ever used. I can’t work these fancy touchpad things, they freak me out and the pressure points are all off. Plus I’m a pro with the red ball thing, I can draw the most amazing MS paint cartoons freehand! Also, the keyboard needed a bit of a clean, I coulda done with about 2000 more gig, something to make it work faster, louder speakers, a built in radio modem router thingy, unlimited broadband in the true meaning of the term and some kind of sparkly sticker decor to spice it up a little.

An interesting and hot car that is rare to come across. Preferrably in a crazy bright color, like a hot pink rx7 s6, or a kingfisher blue hotted up old valiant. Something that you would look at and think ‘Thats so crazy, it just might work!’ but be too afraid to drive yourself. I’m no car expert, so feel free to brainstorm and think of something better. Don’t worry, I can drive manual. If it was booked in for a ritual cleaning with a professional, that would be awesome too. Personalised plates are a no thanks, you keep em.


A genuine gyaru girl for my own personal stylist, hair and make up artist. Imagine waking up every day to find Xiaoyu has already laid out several choices of what you might wear today, completely accessorised and correlated to the weather, current (Shibuya) trends and your own personal tastes. Never again would I have to feel the panic of standing before my wardrobe 20mins before my train departs with no idea of what to wear. Plus having someone to fix my mane and apply my mascara for me would be heaven. Ahh celebrities are so lucky.

A long, detailed, private reading with a tarot expert who has honed their intuitive abilities. What can I say, I buy into all of that shit. I take my horoscopes to heart and they come true for me. I get back the karma I put out, I believe in fate and I read for myself. But it would be awesome to have someone profesh actually read for me for once. I would hang on their every word and even though it might be wrong, I’d enjoy every single minute of it. Call me a fool if you will, at least I am a happy one!


My little Indian model sister and my good natured philosophical father home for Christmas dinner. I miss their heads. They are truly independent and free spirited, but I know they are both dealing with upsetting issues right now. Little model is trying to pretend her man didn’t cheat on her only 4weeks after her 6mth mth long departure and Daddy-O has lost his hard earnt job security for the first time in his life due to the financial atmosphere. They left with their lives concrete and certain, and are now on unsure and shaky grounds. And well, you all know my sentimental face. I miss em.

So thats about it, thats all I need. Those things would make me oh so happy, way more than money or fame or silly little emotions like love. Or world peace, pffft! This is the consumerist Luli talking, take your peace loving hippie shit back to your lefty, altruistic, well written blogs! Christmas isn’t about some kind of global goodwill, its about buying apple products for the majestic approval of the first hipster, the bearded, elitist (convert or you out baby!), sandal and kuffiyeh scarf wearing, anti-authoritarian, wine connoisseur and jobless mofo, Jesus Hail Mary himself.

Merry X-Mas everyone!

Crazier Solo

November 20, 2008


I know I seem like a crazy drunken girl, look its not a wrong perception, but I think if you could see the craziness of my mates then you’d probably understand where I get it from. I’m more of an awkward, foot in the mouth, falling over and lets be honest, flirty drunk. I always say the wrong thing, make up stories to randoms and give away the secrets. Its like I just don’t know where to draw the line. Last month I was at my local there was a punch on outside and the bouncer asked me what it was about, so I told him I had 3 grand of drug money stolen from my purse and that my boys were just getting it back for me. Now every time I go in there all the security guards watch my every move and whisper to each other as I walk past.

My friend Bee is 26 and is dating a 20 year old, and she’s always trying to set me up with his friends. The other day she’s like “What about him? He’s cute and nice.” And I groaned and yelled “Bee, I can’t date a 20 year old, they’re way too immature! I need someone on my level!” And then she looked at me all sad and I clicked and quickly go “Coz you know the last time I got with someone younger it was a mess..” But the damage had pretty much been done. And then the one time in my life I made a mum joke, this guys mother turned out to be dead, so I spent like half an hour apologising to him. That’s happened to everyone though, right? I mean chances are you’ll strike out at least once with the mother insults. Its all just probability.


Anyway in comparison to my friends, I’m not so bad. Sure I’m loud and say weird stuff, but they’re much wacker. The other night in Hawthorn, my sisters bf Hu was wasted and decided he was batman or some shit, and started climbing right up the side of some building. He got to the second floor and looked in a window, and got a fright from someone looking back out at him and fell backwards onto the footpath. People were stepping around him and a bus full of night club kids stopped to stare at him, so he got up, found the Corona bottle he’d left on the ground, smashed it onto the bus and ran away into the night. None of us were around him so its not like he was trying to entertain us, he’s just retarded.


Also that night, my sis Min, who is just hilarious in general, sat down with a yuppie couple in this rich, high end cigar bar we’d gate crashed with our huge crew. So she starts asking them how their night was, what they’d been up to, so forth. The woman was trying to snob her so that she could be romantic with her man but Min just kept talking in her wasted state. Finally the lady got fed up and said “Listen, I don’t want to talk to you, please leave us alone.” Then Min gets offended and political like “Oh, well I’m sorry but you’re in a public bar, which means you have to interact with the riff raff, I don’t care how rich you are, you can’t just sit somewhere and expect not to talk to me! I’ll talk to whoever I want, I’m not too good for people! Its you rich Liberal voters who ruin society! If you don’t want to talk to poor people then take your Versace wearing ass back to the chateau!” So they left.

At Hu’s 21st, my older brother Jamel rocked up blind and went up to Hu’s African side of the family and started kissing all of their hands and asking them if they had any crack, and when they said no, if they wanted any. He spent a good half an hour spinning shit to them, but later on in the night he realised what he’d said and started getting all paranoid. He comes up to me and goes “Luli, someone told them where I live, I think they want to kill me, look at them, they’re looking at me.” So I look and they were, but they were smiling. I’m like “Don’t worry man, it will be cool.” And he’s like “No Lu! You don’t understand! I was saying ‘If you black, you got the crack!’ They want to kill me!” Later on I found him, my little brothers mate and another guy all passed out under the clothesline in a pile, sprawled against each other. I tried to carry him out to his car but he woke up and freaked out. My last image of him from that night is of him ripping his shirt off, dodging the open car door and running down the street shrieking, his wife chasing him into the darkness.


My girl Tray is known for losing everything she owns when she goes out. We have to pin her house key to her like a grandma when we go to festivals. So one night she comes home and can’t find her key, and has to wait like 5 hours for her flatmate to get home. First she took her shoes off and went for a walk around the block, but her feet started to get really sore. By now it was daylight. She spotted some berries that had fallen to the ground in someones garden, so she started squishing her feet in them to feel better. Then she stole their mail and the rest of the streets mail to read because she was so bored. Finally all this adventuring wore her out, so she curled up against her door using her welcome mat as a blanket. But she was still cold, so she emptied her handbag out and put her berry stained feet in it to warm them. Her flatmate found her there an hour later, sound asleep with her bag contents and mail strewn around her. I gotta hand it to her, thats urban resourcefulness in its finest form.

The best part is that this is all shit they did solo. That’s just how wack they are by themselves. But the only way to truly get an idea is to hang out with us for a night. You may not remember much the next day, but that means it was awesome, right?

Miss You, Love You, Peace Be With You

October 29, 2008

My grandmother died yesterday morning. My mother woke me up to tell me and I just said “fuck”, but in the way where you mean “God dammit”. I knew it was coming because she’d been deteriorating fast these last couple of weeks so at the start it didn’t hit me. Then I thought of the date and I thought, ‘the 28th of October is always going to be the day she died from now on’, and that made me cry. Then I thought of Dad.

He’s in India for work at the moment and all I really want to do is hug him, because I know he would be struggling, but I can’t. My dad is emotional like me, or I’m emotional because he is, and he pretends he doesn’t need support but deep down he does and he wants it, but would never ask. We had a horrible couple of hours trying to get through to him, its Hindu Christmas over there or something, and I was frantic because I thought maybe he thought we didn’t care enough to call, and felt alone. Theres always this thing in the back of his head where he thinks we don’t care anymore, or we don’t need him since the divorce, it always plays on his mind. He knows its wrong but its his fear. So I was really freaking out trying to get to him.

He said he was okay though, it won’t hit him till he gets closer. I know he’s just frontin because its hit me already and I have only a fraction of the bond he had with her. She had a pretty tough life, she had to quit school at twelve, then she got married and worked on a farm raising nine kids. She had domestic troubles with her husband and they eventually divorced. My dad has father issues because he was one of the younger ones, and was around when the fights broke out, and naturally tried to step in and defend her. He hated his dad, but he loved his dad, and they had a fucked up relationship because of all that shit. It plagues him and he can’t move on from it because he died years ago and they never talked it out. He still can’t watch father-son movies because they make him tear up, and he’s a man who never cries.

Anyway she had to move off of the farm because she couldn’t look after the whole thing herself because she’s not an army, but she did damn well for one woman. She was always really tough and strong, she worked hard her whole life. She was pretty strict too, but I remember the older she got the more relaxed she was, and she was the best story teller. She would pick up her trinkets and tell us where she got them, and she loved kinder surprises. She’d make the toys and put them in her cabinet with the rest of her story props. She gave me a little porcelain seahorse, that I can’t find now, and a tin with pictures of beagles on the lid because she knew I liked them because I had one. And she’d always give us kids five bucks each when we came to see her, which was heaps back then, to buy ice cream or lollies at the shop.

In the end she developed dementia, she couldn’t live by herself. It was a big kerfuffle within the family because we didn’t want to put her in a home, and I don’t know all the details, but I think some of the pushy ones bullied the weaker ones into signing her up without everyones consent. I remember one particular aunt was thought of as close to the devil for a while, but then my grandmother got a lot worse and we just concentrated on making sure she was comfortable. Not long after, she didn’t know where she was or who we were, and I know that really upset dad a lot. She steadily deteriorated until finally yesterday she passed. She was 92.

Love you Granny. You deserved a better life.