Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Mr Jones

August 17, 2010

“Believe in me

Help me believe in anything

Because I want to be someone who believes..”


You know someone cares about you when your tears make them cry. That’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past ten minutes. Remembering when my sisters cried for me, and when my cousin Tom cried for me. And when I cried for him when his brother died. Just imagining their pain is unbearable, so you cry. You cry because you don’t want them to feel it. Because you can’t help that they do feel it.

I’m his favourite cousin and best friend. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to be there. He lost his bro, his partner in crime, possibly the closest person to him in his life. What can I say to him? He’s not the kind of person who will open up and tell you his feelings. He’s a 24 year old guy who grew up on a farm, who is almost painfully intelligent, in the way that he may be the smartest person I know, kind of a genius. And he has that whole macho, manly farmer thing happening. His best mate is overseas. I’m 3hrs away and stuck there for uni.

Its like that time where people start forgetting the loss. Or they start avoiding it in conversation. That’s kinda the worst part about it, that whole silence that makes it feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because people are still feeling the pain but they don’t want to bring it up because it’s past the appropriate grieving time. Sometimes because I live so far away I forget that he’s even gone. Because I’m not in their day to day lives enough to feel that immediate loss. So I can just be thinking about Tom and then casually wonder something about Bill. And then I remember that he’s gone, and the last time I saw him was my birthday, 6 months before he died, and I really should have made more of an effort to see him and be in his life. And I wonder if I was always as nice to him as I could’ve been.

I have this tissue box that for some reason the girls started drawing on the night of my birthday. They were drawing mermaids on it and taking pictures, just to be silly. It’s the only thing I have to remind me of the last time I saw him. I even used some of the tissues when crying about him. They only just ran out the other day.

I can’t imagine how Tom is feeling. He’s cheated of a best man. A best friend. We were supposed to all have kids that would play together while we drank beers on the outside porch. We were going to be old together. I’ve been trying not to think about it really. I mean I think about it every day, but I don’t think about it in depth. The boys all play guitar, suddenly they’ve all started learning the songs Bill used to play. Its almost like a duty. It’s their way of showing that his memory won’t be lost. That we’ll always play those songs and think of him. He loved getting drunk and playing guitar and singing to us. We all did. It’s like a family tradition.

It’s just so hard to think that I can never have a conversation with him again, because I can still hear his voice in my head. He really was the happy one who joked all the time and laughed the loudest. He was popular and had heaps of girlfriends and mates and played football and was good looking. I remember playing with him as kids, he loved animals. I just can’t understand why he did it. I don’t get why suddenly my cousin is missing from existence. I’ve been to his grave and I still don’t believe it. These things aren’t supposed to happen.

It really makes you re-evaluate life. I suddenly feel very clingy with my family, all my friends, I’m worried about everyone I know. I couldn’t handle it being someone closer, how terrible is that to think? But I mean I couldn’t handle it happening again. On top of this. I can’t bear it. So imagine how badly Tom must be feeling. That makes me cry. He’s practically muted on the topic and he lost his closest friend. How do you help someone who can’t express themselves? I’ll be there in a few weeks, but that’s as soon as I can manage.

This year is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. It’s the bad parrallel universe. Don’t you ever get that feeling like you’re living the bad life in a choose your own adventure? That you made the wrong choice down the line somewhere and wound up on the wrong path. That’s what 2010 has been for me. None of it is within my control. I can’t fix any of it.

He loved Mr Jones by Counting Crows. He loved a lot of songs but I can’t remember them all. Anyway, this song will always make me sad.

Fear.

July 21, 2010

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Its hard to remember that when I get upset and angry, it all comes from my fear. Fear of peoples opinions or not getting what I want, or all this other shit that in reality means little to nothing. I can’t sit here and be eaten by fear all the time. I was fearless once, I want to be again. I can’t act from fear, I have to act against it. I have to be the strength I want to see in others, the truth that I want to be told, the courage to go against the grain, the right in spite of the wrong.

I don’t know about any of you, but my 2010 has been a bit of a slap to the face. I found myself having to deal with some real shit I never saw myself being in a position to endure. And step by step, it has only seemed to have gotten worse. A part of me wants to give up and say fuck it, what can I do? I want to disengage and run away and forget it all. But that can only work for so long. And losing someone close to me has made me realise that I have to face it. I have to open up communication and give my problems the attention and solutions they deserve, despite how hard it is, despite the fear I’m feeling inside. Because running away can never work, it always catches up to you.

I wish I could be like my sisters, and always know whats right or wrong. They always know exactly what to say and they’re always truthful. I wish I could magic my problems away with a puff of cloud and be done with them. I want to be the clever fox who slips away into the night, always a step ahead of the game, never having to own up to the mishaps that lay before me. Because I’m not as strong as I like to think I am. I’m overly sensitive I suppose. Is it because I want to make others feel better about themselves, or because I want others to feel better about me? Maybe both.

Its so easy to get caught up in selfishness, to forget that you’re trying to be good and do the right thing at any intersection you come across. I mostly get it right, but some slip ups leave me so far deep in the wrong that I can’t fathom a way to climb up out of them. And my pride doesn’t think I should have to. But so what if I’m wrong? So what if I’m an idiot? Why should I care so much about having a righteous image? I’ve fucked up plenty of times.

I guess that in itself is a reason. I don’t want to fuck up anymore. I already lived that life, made the wrong choices, pleased only myself. I don’t want to constantly be thought of as the fuck up of the family. I want to be normal, stable, dependable. I want to be the white sheep, not the black one. But its too hard to bleach the wool.

I know what I have to do. What I have to say. So, just do it. Stop being frozen with fear and stand up and say what has to be said. And if you are left with wounds and people who are unhappy with you, so be it. It is their choice to make, they decide how they will react to something. And don’t be surprised when they react with fear, because you often do too.

Peace.

To The Girl I Used To Be

June 30, 2010

This is a letter to my 16 year old self inspired by the lovely Kezza’s most recent post If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

Dear Luli,

Boys can be rats. You’re messing with one of the worst of the bunch, the rat who pretends to be a cute little mouse. Look inside to see whether his actions match up with your morals, because if they don’t, the boy is not worth the trouble. Trust me, even if he leaves now, there will be plenty of chances for you to change your mind, he always comes running back. Realising you’re worth more than his constant bullshit becomes a source of ego and inspiration for you later though, so I dunno. The shattering of your trust for men might be more precious.

Forget the cool kids! They are ridiculous and you know it! You’re too smart to waste all your weekends drinking until you stumble and befriending mean people who mean nothing to you in the long run. Some of them even turn on you. Your “best friend” especially, but she does it in a more elongated, tortuous, slow and malicious way that does not become apparent for years. All those popular boys are just pigs in the end. They hit their girlfriends and get drug addictions and have 3 baby mamas each.

Run away from them and go back to your friendly, sweet boys. One of which you know has a crush on you, who you have a crush on too. If you pass up the chance he gives you, you will regret it forever. He goes into a long term relationship with a chick who makes your life hell for a while, and is still seeing till this day! You’re still best friends with him, but there’s always a sad spot inside that wishes things went differently that will probably always be there.

You were blessed with a brain, with creativity and wit, so use these gifts! When you try, you never fail, so try harder. I know its easy to just coast by without doing too much and still getting ahead, but if you put a little bit of effort in you could go so far. Doing it now will make it easier for you in university, otherwise you start to lose motivation due to lack of practice and organisation. Studying is fun, you love to learn and to be an expert on different things. Don’t waste that brain of yours, engage and preserve it.

The person you are deep down is a lot cooler than you realise, so stop trying to hide her. Stop clamming up in social engagements, you’re actually good at talking and you’re very friendly. If you let other people notice then you would have a lot more fun in uni and at work. You learn to do it eventually of course, but the years you spend being a snob rubbed off on you and now your body language is probably always going to scream ‘unapproachable’. You are outgoing and eccentric, and the sooner you start letting that out the better your life gets.

Go easy on people, ok? Especially your family, they end up becoming the closest and most loyal people in your life. Nobody is perfect, and you can’t even live up to your own expectations, so when they do something you don’t like cut them a bit of slack and try to be kinder. Treat people and their feelings gently and strive to leave only a positive imprint on the world, not a negative one. Compassion is the most beautiful quality a person can have. You have the ability to make someones day much better by just saying a kind word, or sparing a bit of change, so try to do it whenever you can.

However, don’t interpret that as to mean you can let people walk all over you. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If you disagree, speak up. Don’t be bullied into anything, and never act out of fear. Look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what you think. It’s liberating. Don’t worry about what others think of you, let them think. If anything, it should amuse you that you are on their minds. People love to pull other people down, but learn to trust that your opinion is the only one that matters.

You may not realise it at this moment, but the girl you are now makes some critical decisions that shape her path for a long time to come. It’s hard to say now, being your 8 year older self, whether these slip ups have chipped away at your character for good.. or made you stronger and wiser. We will have to wait for my 8 year older self to write to me, so that we can see. You’re still hopelessly naive, so maybe we still have a chance at reversing some of the painful events that have wearied you along the way.

Be strong, Luli. Adopt cats.

Love, 24 year old you.

“If I had to do it all again

I wouldn’t take away the rain

Coz I know it made me who I am

If I had to do it all again

I learned so much from my mistakes

Thats how I know he’s watching me

Nobody knows what life may bring

It might make you happy

It might make you sad

But I know there’s a reason for everything

That’s why I keep believing

Whatever’s meant to be is gonna be..”

Sup Girlfrienddddd

March 2, 2009

“If you let me I could,

I’d show you how to build your fences

Set restrictions

Separate from the world

The constant battle that you hate to fight

Just blame the limelight..”

gyaru2

I’ve decided that no-one is ever going to read this blog, except maybe my husband if I ever get one. Its done, set in stone, no friends or family are ever getting their eyes on this shit! And this way I can continue with my post with full knowledge that no mofo I know is about to get offended because they’re shit and I want to complain.

What is it about me, that every female friend I have wants to control me? Put the reigns on and have a monopoly of my time? I have three “close” friends at work, and they all fight and bitch over who gets to have coffee with me, who will have after work drinks, who will take me to lunch.. Its insanely immature and really weirding me out. I have mentioned heaps of times that I am not a girl who gets along with many other females because I dislike the female politics, so going from zero to a hundred in like a month is kind of freaking me out.

If it was good natured stuff, like just genuinely wanting to be my friend, I think I would be okay with it. But its like I’m a toy and they’re fighting over who gets to have their turn. Its a power game of some sort and its all underhanded, manipulative stuff. One comes up to me and suggests something, then goes to the others and say I’m going somewhere with just them, which in turn offends that one who thinks I’m picking a favourite.

“I don’t want you to know

Too much about me, oh no

Coz I know you’d take advantage of the words that I say

You’re looking for a way to depress me

Make me pay..”

fmp_other235

Do I just give off submissive vibes or something? Do people just think I’m good to be controlled? Is that why that dickhead stalker weird guy wanted to date me? I’m being easy going and neutral, not vulnerable and needy. God, I hate it when people get clingy with me, or expect that I’ve entered into some kind of social contract that says I have to do this at these times with them, or face punishment of sooking bitchiness. Get real man, I’m no-ones property, I do what I want and always have.

Its mostly because I’m just being nice about it, doing what I want but saying it in an unoffensive way, so they think they’re still winning. Because I don’t really want to stoop to power games and mean comments, I want to just be happy me, unaffected by the bullshit. My usual way of handling this kind of stuff is to keep out of it entirely and not let myself be played into their little stunts. But I don’t know if thats working, maybe I should just cut right back on spending time with them & act like I’m busy? I’m not doing after work drinks anymore, thankfully, I have uni on Fridays.

I like them each a lot, in their own ways, despite how mean and snarky they can be with each other. Its like they’re just misguided? The thing that stumps me is that two of them claim to be all enlightened and spiritual, with the chakras and the new-age philosophies, and yet they still reserve the right to get all upset over a lunch date. I thought spirituality was about letting go and releasing the bad emotions? This is ridiculous.

“You think the way you live is okay

You think posin will save the day

You think we don’t see that you’re running

Better call your boys, coz we’re coming..”

nerd_pubphoto_small

Is it because they’re all at least ten years older than me and I’m a novelty? I don’t mean to imply that older women are like this, I know many who are beautiful and carefree in attitude. But maybe its what is behind the shit here. Maybe if I was closer to their age it wouldn’t be so much about ‘who I like better’, because I would be more on equal footing with them. Maybe if I was their age it would be them competing with me.

Oh fuck it, I’m just gonna cut back in outings unless its including more than one of them at a time. I don’t really like that they’re asking me for all my secrets, and then updates on them.. I’m too private to want to divulge my stuff. I guess because I don’t trust them one tiny bit, because how can I? The moment anyones back is turned they start talking smack. I think they must assume I’m some kind of fool, becaue I’m young, that I’m oblivious to all of their behind the scenes shit. It kind of amuses me when people think I’m dumber than I am, it means they have no idea how much I analyse everything. And thats a good advantage, to be a step ahead like that. So they think they’re having it over me, but really I’m playing along, fully aware of their manipulations.

The only good thing to come from being involved with a clique of Lebanese females during my teens is that I learnt ALL about the game.. and I’m never getting back in it again!

gyaru3

“You thought we broke up

And yeah you’re right, we really did

Wrote a verse I recited that was hot

But I had to re-write it coz

I thought we was united and we not

But though all the love that I got for you

Partner,  I picked apart your words

And I’m shocked in them interviews..”

For The Haters

January 14, 2009

“Lonely days, well the only days

I remember the days I would say

I could be a star tomorrow if I really wanted to

I could be a star tomorrow if I just got rid of you

Haters, haters, haters..”

hater

There’s something about me, I don’t know what it is, but there’s this irritating aspect I must have because for some reason I get a lot of haters. Every time I get introduced to a new group of people there will be at least one of them who will automatically be annoyed by my presence or immediately dislike me without having even spoken to me yet. It’s usually girls. I can think of ten off the top of my head and that’s only in three different circles.

I’m pretty happy-go-lucky when it comes to my usual demeanour, I’m not a sooky or bitchy girl (at least not until you take a swipe at me) so it’s not like its because of some rudeness in my personality. I would even go so far as to say that I go out of my way to be jovial, because I know people love to hate me. Some circles are hard to crack, sure, but people shouldn’t have automatic haters like I do. You can even see around my blog, the beginnings of trolls peppering my posts, who I’m sure will one day flock to me in droves.

I actually don’t mind my haters though. I can even get along with them in the right circumstances. Sometimes I try to turn them over to the good side for fun. They never bother me, mostly they just amuse me. To me, its interesting to think that so many people spend so much time thinking about me, burning because I did or said something. It’s even flattering. I just couldn’t care less about them. If anything they inspire me to try harder for success.

“You! What you tryin to prove?

Eyes on me, like I’m in your movie screen

Damn I know I’m fly!

Ain’t got nothin to hide

Want a piece of my pie?

Then you’ve got more problems than I..”

fmp_s_k074

The thing is with haters though, most of them are back biters. They sneak around and whisper shit about you, then suck up to your face. It’s pathetic. You can always tell when you talk to someone if they are being fake nice to you. And you can tell when someone talks shit about you behind your back, there’s no need for a grapevine, its kind of obvious. A, because people tend to feel guilty and over compensate when they speak to you and B, because their nature is insincere. You notice when girls are in groups looking at you and muttering under their breath. You see when they scowl at you as you walk past them, even though your eyes may be pointed elsewhere.

That’s kinda why I love haters, because they are such cowards. They will never turn on you publicly without an army of cowards behind them. And if you are a nice person with a good attitude, which I think I am without meaning to be immodest, then there will never be enough in one circle to match against those that love you. So they just sit in corners and whisper, wasting their time wishing ill against you. God I love it! You’re giving me so much attention for nothing!

I love being a smartass to my haters and cutting them with little comments that they will fume over for ages afterwards. I have a decently quick wit, and its fun to be openly bitchy when they are so scared to be straight forward with their opinions. If you don’t like me, and you treat me as such, don’t expect me to go easy on you. My words can sting and I’m not afraid to use them, unlike you. I’ll fight in the open, fire with fire. I don’t care to burn a bridge I never intended to use.

“So many times I hear you try to knock my crew

Well we got somethin for all the fools

It aint just rhythm and blues

You just quit trying to compete

No telling what you could be

Might even be doper than me, I doubt it..

I know you can come better, can come better than that

Sick and tired of the loose rap, you can keep that..”

aaliyah

The best way to get back at a hater is to be the best you can be. Dress well, try to look better than them, have an edgier style, do what you can to achieve your ambitions, at work or in study, and be a nice and happy person. Let them sit and hurt inside because you’re not complying with their petty games and bullshit. Show them that you will be happy regardless of whether they like you or not. Indifference is always your best weapon. They can’t win if you’re not playing the game with them.

I like to think that a multitude of haters early in your life is a good sign. It means you are grinding against the grain. And anyone who’s anyone in the biz has haters. If I want to be a great journalist, then I must be known and read, even if it’s only by those who want to pull me down. Any publicity is good publicity. Being bitched about means I’m well known, especially in my area, by people I’ve never even heard of. It’s a great start to a media career.

So this post is dedicated to all my haters out there, I love you rats! You sneaky, dirty dogs, too afraid to stab me anywhere but in the back, and only if I had my hands tied. Your constant disapproval and bitter snarkiness only pushes me harder to attain my goals. In a twisted, ironic way some of my success is because of you. Thank you, vile snakes with venomous words and poisonous hearts, thank you for your industrious and persistent hating! I couldn’t have made it here without you. Go fuck yourselves!

luli

“I swear they got some nerve

Spreadin what they heard

I can’t give them no run

I can’t be concerned with all that talk

I won’t be involved – thats my word!

See I’m not the one, they got me confused

They got me messed up

Don’t you think I’ve had enough?”

In 2009 I Will Stop Dating Psychos

January 8, 2009

Now that I’ve sufficiently tantrumed it up about Palestine, I can relate to you the enchanting experiences that have been my on and off holidays. Our busy season at work is right now, even for the mindless shit I have to do, so unfortunately I couldn’t get all the days off but I did manage to party hard and will continue to do so on weekends as is the usual Luli fashion.

anime-sun

Let me begin by telling the tale of my date on Xmas eve-eve. I went out for drinks after work one night with my sister in law, who I would describe as the hot librarian type. As with all hot librarians, after a few drinks she cuts loose and gets wild, so its always an exciting night when she gets involved although you would never pick her as the crazy type. We were in for a big one, trawling from pub to bar in the city, ending up at Transport in Fed Square. Luck of the gods, it was Tradies night! I have never seen so many hot, built men in one area before, and without the usual packs of females stalking them like lionesses hunting for prey in African savannas. Probably a ratio of one girl to twenty guys, so I was loving my odds.

The guy I met seemed awesome, a bit older than me at 28, soon to be turning 29. He only really stood out because he gave good convo, I was all set to lash on him and his friends when he said something too smartassed, but my girls were like ‘Nah stay!’ and he apologised so I let him off the hook. Anyway, whatever, he got my number and we decided to go out for a movie a few days later.

anime-cinema

On the date we went to see that Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, of which the title is probably the best feature. I was so bored, sorry to the Bond fans, but I’m gonna put it out there and say it has absolutely no appeal to anyone with a need for a decent plot in a movie. The action was constant and so fast that I couldn’t keep up with it, plus the Bond guy isn’t even hot.

So bad movie choice by him. Not only that, but he kept talking bout his exes for like a hundred years, telling me they had psych issues (one had anorexia, the other had cancer and depression) and asking me multiple times if I had any. It was like he wanted me to. The way his convo was going was revolving around him being this major hero to every female character in his life, and to be honest it was all weirding me out a bit. I felt like he thought I was a weak psych issue girl who he wanted to depend on him, so he could be in control. I was getting predator vibes, especially when he kept trying to hug me and kiss me in the cinema. I would just wriggle out of his grasp and was careful not to look at him incase he surprise kissed me. Is cinema PDA inappropriate to anybody else? 15mins into the movie I knew I wanted to ditch him, but I didn’t want to be harsh. I would at least stick around for after movie coffees.

anime-date

After movie coffees were worse. He asked to see my id (WTF WHO DOES THAT) and I was like “Don’t you trust me?” and he’s like “Nah, I do,” but still persisted in seeing it. Later I realised how dumb that was, coz now he knows my address. When he gave it back I go “Did you memorise the numbers?” talking about the birth date, and he got all flustered and was like “What?” And when he realised I meant my DOB he was visibly relieved and I thought nothing of it till later, but yeah. So I’m a fuckhead. Plus he knows where I work too. And during the convo he kept lying and switching his stories around to suit what he thought I’d want to hear, which I picked up on a little the first night, but became way more obvious during coffee. He cracked the shits when I took the bill, and when I asked why he goes “Because you’re the girl.” Sigh.

A few days later I told him I didn’t wanna continue it, citing age as the major factor. In all honesty, the age didn’t bother me, but it bothered him so I figured if I said it he would understand and it wouldn’t be too painful. The thing is I’m feeling a little stalked by him. He called me like two days later at 4.30am but I missed the call because I was obviously asleep on a Tuesday night at that time, and he’s mes’d me but I didn’t reply. Now today he’s trying to add me on facebook and I ignored him, but with much anguish. I just want him to fuck off. I have a new sim ready to change my number if he persists.

party3

New Years Eve was pretty good, just got very drunk, and seeing as I was still recovering from my bad date I was wary of talking to boys and decided to never pick up at a pub/club/bar ever again for my resolution. It can only end in psychos and awkwardness. So far, so good, but resolutions are made to be broken and I’m going out this weekend for the hot librarians birthday so I’m guessing its gonna be tested. I talk like I’ve been on it for ages, and its only like 8 days into the year! Damn my flirty drunken ways.

How were your NYE’s? What did you get up to? Resolutions?

Merry Xmas

December 26, 2008

 x-maschick

I love the Xmas season and spirit, I used to be excited by presents, but leading up to this year I was just like ‘Blah, we all buy each other gifts, whats the point, who cares..’ There was nothing I could think of that I wanted, or that people could give me that would excite me because I have money, and I can just buy what I need for myself. And I stress out when I buy for others because the hugeness of my family means I have to take a lot of time to find stuff, and I want to get them something they would want, not just look at and think ‘meh’. So this year I thought, I only ever want clothes so thats what I’ll get them. Plus I know clothes, so it was an easy way out.

I was completely blown away by the gifts I recieved from people. When you get a gift, and you didn’t even want anything and it turns out to be something you love, its the best thing ever. Because it means that the person who gave it to you truly knows you. They get who you are and what you are about. I never realised how much my family actually knew who I was, but those gifts proved it. And it is so comforting to think that I’m understood.

 charcoal-pencils

Some of the stand out things were a set of artists and charcoal pencils, because I used to sketch quite well, but I stopped drawing because I suppose being creative got pushed down on the list of priorities when I started partying, working and studying. But not long ago I was mucking around with charcoal and it was such a pleasure to use, so someone was obviously paying attention and its nice to be encouraged.

I got a little golden argile, or shishka, or hookah, or whatever you call it. To me its an argile, and it reminds me of the nights I spent in Lebanese homes, playing cards and having fun without alcohol, because they were all Muslim. That was a big part of my life, I was always at a function or visiting someones relatives, doing the 3-kiss cheek thing and shocking people with my Arabic. But I haven’t thought of that life for a long time, its behind me.

Anime, clothes, Gilmore Girls dvds, a manicure set because I’m always painting and preening my nails, a palmistry book because I’m into all that, as you would know. It would be a nice prelude to reading someone’s Tarot if I could check out their palm first and get an idea on their life. They all lead to one another, Tarot, palmistry, runes, astrology. So once you’ve learnt one, its a lot easier to learn another, because its from the same school of thought. And you all might roll your eyes, but I like to think I have an intuitive gift for reading.

 gilmore

The present that made my eyes tear up was a book from my mother about Australian foreign correspondents and some of their stories and anecdotes. She’s never been a fan of me learning Arabic or hanging out with Muslims, or involving myself in politics and defending things she didn’t understand. We had a bad relationship when I was 16 till about 20 because I was so immersed in it, and she seemed unfairly biased, so I just shut her out and she resented it even more. We mended ourselves and we’re very close now, she is one of my closest friends and we think of ourselves in a Gilmore-esque way, but for her to give me this book just stunned me. It was like saying, ‘Hey I know we always had our fights, and I disapproved of your plans to go to Palestine and fight for something that has nothing to do with you, for reasons I never got, but I believe in you. I know this is what you want to do and I support it and I’m going to help you.’

I always had doubts in my mind, but when you see that people truly do believe in you, and think you can achieve your goals it gives you so much confidence. I’m used to defending and persuading people to understand what I want to do, I’ve never been supported or encouraged. So that gift meant a lot to me. All of them did. Its one thing for people to say ‘You’re okay Luli, we get you, we understand you,’ because words are malleable, they come and go, they can be empty. But when you are shown that you are valued, it means more than anything that can be said, and its concrete evidence.

 peaceful

This Christmas I expected to be drained and bored, and instead I was left inspired and awed. I feel like people know me, and that makes me think that I’ve fully developed myself, who I am and all of that. It gives me confidence and a feeling of happiness that is unmatched by anything I’ve ever felt, because I’m sure of myself now, and all I want to do is make other people happy too. Because I know that through whatever I can always be okay, but not everyone is given the tools or resources I have for finding their own happiness. Some people are slipping, and some have given up altogether. And some don’t have the kind of support base that I’ve been blessed with to draw inner strength or peace from.

To me Xmas is about supporting and showing family and friends your love in a blatantly honest way, because during the rest of the year it can sometimes be hidden and unknown. The second part is reaching out and doing whatever you can to help those who are not as fortunate as you are, because we are not all born with the ability to help ourselves. And there is nothing more uplifting than when someone says to you, “I’m behind you, and I’m going to help.”

It gives you hope.

I Used To Think STFU Meant ‘Stuff You’.

December 3, 2008

stfu

One thing that completely drives me insane is unnecessary talking. Its not like I’m a fiend for silence, its just that I’m not fond of conversations that pretty much go nowhere and only serve the purpose of making the speaker feel like they know it all, or give them the chance to brag. Its probably half the reason why I don’t particularly like hanging around girls, I prefer to be around people who just say what needs to be said and leave it at that. That doesn’t mean I dislike long conversations, they are awesome, I just dislike long conversations about hair extensions and birth control.

My mum has got to be the weirdest talker I have ever known. The amount of irrelevant information she throws into a conversation is astounding to me. I’m always cutting her off or leading her to the point. If I’m already in a bad mood, just one random tangent of hers is enough to make me snap. Just to give you an idea, say I ask her for directions, this is the typical mum answer:

“Okay, you know how Blacks road goes up past the old hospital where your sister was born? Two blocks away is the street you’ll need to go on, drive down past where you’ll see a white house, Manny used to live there, then keep going and if you see a big tree hanging across an intersection, don’t turn there. There will be a diagonal road cutting across, that street passes through St Albans, and I once took a wrong turn down there and ended up in Sunshine! Go past the diagonal road and go around the roundabout, turning into the street on the right, or alternatively you could go straight and make a right at the traffic lights, but those lights have been slow since I lived there, and theres always cops around so you can’t run a red arrow. Theres a fish & chip shop on the corner thats really good, and they’re always stopping there for lunch. You remember it don’t you? The fish and chips we had after we went to Nan’s place to get the photos for your brothers 21st? Well I suppose you were young, probably only 12. So yeah, make a right there.”

stfu2

My friend Bee is notorious for doing something similar, except its more to do with the stories she tells and the irrelevant details like where she had lunch that day, and why she decided to have the fish instead of the chicken, and how that made her feel, and then so she was already a little uneasy so she went to the chemist, and then the chemist told her it was better to just drink tea, so she went out and got out the tea bags but they were mouldy, so she opened up her cupboard and realised she needed to throw a lot of stuff out, so she put the bags by the curb and forgot about them, then her boy came home later and tripped over into them and thats why he smells like cheese. You can’t even cut her off or direct the convo, because you have absolutely no idea where the story is going. The amount of background information that goes into the anecdote completely ruins any hope she had for a punchline, because its got no delivery, she’s smiling the whole way through, and you’re confused at which point you were supposed to laugh at.

I also have a couple of other chick friends who are clearly uncomfortable with any silence whatsoever, and feel like they have to fill the gap in the air with pointless words and stories. If you’re not talking and I’m not talking, its not necessarily a bad thing, we can just chill together and say nothing. I’d rather think in my head than be distracted by meaningless shit. Its like a nervous thing some people have, they’re too scared that there will be nothing to say so they go into overdrive to make sure it never happens. These people are the worst to get cornered by, because they can go on forever without stopping. I got trapped by one on Friday night and it took me about an hour to escape her clutches without being rude.

And then there are those students at uni who will ask the teacher a question, just to show off about something. For example, “With the memoir assignment, is it better to use a lot of descriptive detail, or concentrate more on character interactions, because when I go up to my cabin worth 400k in the mountains to snowboard with my professional snowboarding crew, I often pay more attention to how the rookies will speak to the professionals, rather than their inferior equipment and the ugly snowgear they are wearing.” Okay, you’re a bad ass snowboarder chick, we all acknowledge your awesomeness. But this is uni, its not about chasing the cool anymore, its about how much I can kick your ass in writing workshops.

evil_monkey

Or they even play it like this, “I know that in this editing class you’re teaching us to do blah blah, but when I worked in the field for two years at my fathers company, he taught me the proper way was to completely contradict your teaching methods.” That one can even be more annoying, because we all already know the answer. Forget whatever the hell you thought you knew and just follow the damn criteria. You are not the new lecturer, you are a wanker.

Its these annoying people that take over the conversations, and because they are talking you often miss out on the better stories or the more interesting jokes that someone else could have said. But no, they had to be selfish and waste all the air time! When it comes to talking, I think the old rule is golden: It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Crazier Solo

November 20, 2008

drunk

I know I seem like a crazy drunken girl, look its not a wrong perception, but I think if you could see the craziness of my mates then you’d probably understand where I get it from. I’m more of an awkward, foot in the mouth, falling over and lets be honest, flirty drunk. I always say the wrong thing, make up stories to randoms and give away the secrets. Its like I just don’t know where to draw the line. Last month I was at my local there was a punch on outside and the bouncer asked me what it was about, so I told him I had 3 grand of drug money stolen from my purse and that my boys were just getting it back for me. Now every time I go in there all the security guards watch my every move and whisper to each other as I walk past.

My friend Bee is 26 and is dating a 20 year old, and she’s always trying to set me up with his friends. The other day she’s like “What about him? He’s cute and nice.” And I groaned and yelled “Bee, I can’t date a 20 year old, they’re way too immature! I need someone on my level!” And then she looked at me all sad and I clicked and quickly go “Coz you know the last time I got with someone younger it was a mess..” But the damage had pretty much been done. And then the one time in my life I made a mum joke, this guys mother turned out to be dead, so I spent like half an hour apologising to him. That’s happened to everyone though, right? I mean chances are you’ll strike out at least once with the mother insults. Its all just probability.

batman_wall

Anyway in comparison to my friends, I’m not so bad. Sure I’m loud and say weird stuff, but they’re much wacker. The other night in Hawthorn, my sisters bf Hu was wasted and decided he was batman or some shit, and started climbing right up the side of some building. He got to the second floor and looked in a window, and got a fright from someone looking back out at him and fell backwards onto the footpath. People were stepping around him and a bus full of night club kids stopped to stare at him, so he got up, found the Corona bottle he’d left on the ground, smashed it onto the bus and ran away into the night. None of us were around him so its not like he was trying to entertain us, he’s just retarded.

animebeer

Also that night, my sis Min, who is just hilarious in general, sat down with a yuppie couple in this rich, high end cigar bar we’d gate crashed with our huge crew. So she starts asking them how their night was, what they’d been up to, so forth. The woman was trying to snob her so that she could be romantic with her man but Min just kept talking in her wasted state. Finally the lady got fed up and said “Listen, I don’t want to talk to you, please leave us alone.” Then Min gets offended and political like “Oh, well I’m sorry but you’re in a public bar, which means you have to interact with the riff raff, I don’t care how rich you are, you can’t just sit somewhere and expect not to talk to me! I’ll talk to whoever I want, I’m not too good for people! Its you rich Liberal voters who ruin society! If you don’t want to talk to poor people then take your Versace wearing ass back to the chateau!” So they left.

At Hu’s 21st, my older brother Jamel rocked up blind and went up to Hu’s African side of the family and started kissing all of their hands and asking them if they had any crack, and when they said no, if they wanted any. He spent a good half an hour spinning shit to them, but later on in the night he realised what he’d said and started getting all paranoid. He comes up to me and goes “Luli, someone told them where I live, I think they want to kill me, look at them, they’re looking at me.” So I look and they were, but they were smiling. I’m like “Don’t worry man, it will be cool.” And he’s like “No Lu! You don’t understand! I was saying ‘If you black, you got the crack!’ They want to kill me!” Later on I found him, my little brothers mate and another guy all passed out under the clothesline in a pile, sprawled against each other. I tried to carry him out to his car but he woke up and freaked out. My last image of him from that night is of him ripping his shirt off, dodging the open car door and running down the street shrieking, his wife chasing him into the darkness.

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My girl Tray is known for losing everything she owns when she goes out. We have to pin her house key to her like a grandma when we go to festivals. So one night she comes home and can’t find her key, and has to wait like 5 hours for her flatmate to get home. First she took her shoes off and went for a walk around the block, but her feet started to get really sore. By now it was daylight. She spotted some berries that had fallen to the ground in someones garden, so she started squishing her feet in them to feel better. Then she stole their mail and the rest of the streets mail to read because she was so bored. Finally all this adventuring wore her out, so she curled up against her door using her welcome mat as a blanket. But she was still cold, so she emptied her handbag out and put her berry stained feet in it to warm them. Her flatmate found her there an hour later, sound asleep with her bag contents and mail strewn around her. I gotta hand it to her, thats urban resourcefulness in its finest form.

The best part is that this is all shit they did solo. That’s just how wack they are by themselves. But the only way to truly get an idea is to hang out with us for a night. You may not remember much the next day, but that means it was awesome, right?

Whatever Is Whatever..

September 28, 2008

Boy, I been watching you like a hawk in the sky

That flies, cause you were my prey

Boy, I promise you if we keep bumpin heads

I know that one of these days

We gon hook it up, probably talk on the phone

But see, I dont know if thats good

I been holding back this secret from you

I probably shouldnt tell it but..”

You know its going to be a great night when you walk into a party and see that you’re pretty much the only girl in the house. Its times like these that having mostly guy mates has its upsides. No chicks to compete with, and you’ve got just about all eyes on you. Man, I love it! Of course, variety is the spice of life, and with so many to choose from a girl might get carried away and end up with none. But who would be that unlucky? Who indeed.

If I think about yesterday and ignore a certain game won by ‘ahem’, then it actually wasn’t so bad. I got my flirt on, and I got the interesting conversation I wanted and I didn’t kiss anyone and so don’t need to worry about any uncomfortable situations at future events for this friend circle. I got drunk enough to forget a certain team and I didn’t have to deal with the bitchy bitches of bitchville (also known as my mates girlfriends). So what’s my prob yo?

I’ll tell you what it is. It happened again. No, I don’t mean the stockings (it was too hot so I was in a summer dress), although I did fall over. Its cool, I’m filing it under a ‘damsel in distress’ move and not a ‘hi, I’m embarrassingly drunk’ thing. What happened again was my beloved friends decided who I was allowed to date. Or actually, who I was not allowed to go near without them getting pissy about it.

The annoying thing is that they were actually trying to set me up with the guy at the start, and I was like ‘finally some support and solidarity!’ But conveniently right after the guy asked for my number, they told me to stay away from him, that he was bad news, they’ve just realised. So, I listened to them. They made the choice for me and I went along with it. Goddamnit, he was cute and fun. Why do all the bad ones come to me?

“You used to love them

Leave them, kiss them

Break their hearts

But now I got you in my arms

You used to get them

Trick them, diss them

Do them wrong

But now your player days are gone..”

I feel really awful because I’m just lashing this guy based on his reputation. I would hate it if someone did that to me, in fact I would be crushed. But I suppose if you are a mega slut who mistreats women you reap what you sow? Its got to be a bad sign when your closest mates are coming up to me on the low and saying, hey you’re a nice girl, so don’t get involved with him, he’s a fuckhead.

I also had some run ins with a couple of guys I used to date. One who I really liked, who turned into a massive asshole was there, sucking up to me, calling me ‘Li Li’ (wtf, that is so gay). And another I haven’t mentioned who was too shy to get the ball rolling, who I found out had sex with a girl (who used to be a friend of mine) in a spa (that he was sitting in with 3 of his mates who got to watch) last weekend. So much for shy! Man, I can really pick em. Seriously, you should all come to me for dating advice, I’m great.

But, I’m actually pretty glad with the way things turned out. To tell the truth, I’m sick of kissing random boys and then running off into the night. I miss the kisses with feeling behind them, from someone who really likes you. I want that heart thumping, I’m so nervous feeling, that you can only get from someone special. So I think I’m just gonna hold out for that for a while, unless of course, I run out of blogging topics. Or I get really drunk and change my mind. Either way, it will be a shitty excuse. Heh. Ok, I’m out!

“If I’m a drink, you’re my lemon squeeze

Oh you got flava boy, you go good with me

So boy don’t play or tease me

Oh, keep me together, you got what I need

Now its getting late, its after three

So quit your stallin, my body’s callin..

Now its me and you, you and me

And its whatever, whatever you want it to be

I’m telling you, if its up to me

Whatever is whatever

Its whatever with you and me..”