Posts Tagged ‘guilt’

I Can’t Get Jiggy With This Shit!

July 28, 2008

“Did you sleep on the wrong side? I’m catchin a bad vibe

And its contagious, whats the latest?

Speak your heart, don’t bite your tongue..

Don’t get it twisted, don’t misuse it

Whats your problem? Lets resolve it

We can solve it, whats the causes?

Its official, you got issues, I got issues

But I know I miss you..”

I’m trying to forget this weekend. It fucked up any sense of peace I had before. Friday was okay, I went to the footy, had a few quiet beers with the crew afterwards at the pub, went to bed earlyish. But Saturday killed me. You know when you have one of those nights when you’re such a dickhead that you wish you were never born? Is it just me?

It started off when I ran into hook up boi at the petrol station. I recognised his car immediately and thought ‘FUCK!’, but I was too far in to just leave, it woulda been too wack, so I drove to the furthest pump from his and ignored him. We’ve spoken a few times through text but haven’t seen each other since I last spoke of him, and I’ve been ignoring his mes’s for a few weeks now.

So anyways we both have to be driving the same way, don’t we? He’s in front of me and slows down to try and force me to overtake. So I speed up and plan on zooming past, but he starts to speed up too. I just pushed the pedal down even further and got as far away as I could, breaking all the speed limits, I didn’t care I just wanted to get away. He decides to chase me. By now I’m cursing him every name under the sun and after an awkward stop light he eventually changes direction. Who the fuck does he think he is? Was he trying to intimidate me? Has he lost his fucking mind? I really must have pissed him off hard. I’ve never seen him so out of control like that, usually you can barely get a reaction from him.

“No justifications for your actions

Shoulda been somewhere relaxing

Dont compare me to your last one

I don’t care if she was a fast one, a sassy one

I’m a classy one..

I can’t keep it from getting at you, hun

Seems like that should make you happy, hun..”

We went to a birthday at a pub that night, open bar. There were hardly any people we knew so I compensated by getting blind. I didn’t try to pick up or anything but I was being flirty and I cringe when I remember the conversations I had, what a fucking idiot. The shame. How can people put up with me? I just say whatever I think of, theres nothing to stop the flow of stupidity, it kills me. I was violently ill of the mouth by the time I got home, literally as I opened the car door. Thank god I didn’t try and push everyone to go clubbing, who knows what I would have done! Man I’ve had the guilts so bad since then. I can’t seem to shake em.

To make it worse, my dad decided that now was the time to openly discuss his new relationships with women. Like fuck, I know he has to move on and that at some point I have to accept them, but he’s basically telling us he’s doing booty calls at any hour of the day and oh my god, I cannot deal with that information. They only separated about a year ago. I don’t want to know these things.

And it shits me as well, he complains they want more from him, more like a relationship and he’s saying he doesn’t want anything serious.. He’s doing things I hate men doing! How can he treat women like this? I am so stunned by his new conversations that I don’t even know what to say so I just look at the floor and try to pretend I didn’t just hear what I thought I heard. I can handle him dating, kind of. I can get used to it. But what I can’t handle is endless random women coming over at stupid hours and following him to his room.

Are we so fucking expendable? Is that what life has come to? Is that what we are worth now, a good time now get the fuck out? I feel partially responsible, he asked me for advice and I told him he should just date around and see who was interesting, he didn’t need anything too full on. But I meant in the go for coffee and get to know them way.. Obviously thats not how he took it! I’m so angry right now, but I don’t want to hurt him by showing him my anger because I know it would gut him. He honestly doesn’t think what he’s doing is bad and he would be shattered that he’s upset me.

My sister spoke to him about it today and its kind of sorted, a little bit. She told him we don’t want to see making out on the couch (she walked in on that) and intimacy while she is under the same roof really freaks her out. So I think he’s going to stop. I know he means well, he thinks he’s being good to them I suppose (?) but I’m so shaken up. The thing is, I know my dad, I expected this behaviour, I just can’t handle it now that its in my face. Fuck, I seriously need to chill out, I’m gonna bust a vein or something!

“Am I supposed to change?

Are you supposed to change?

Who should be heard?

Who should be blamed?

Who should be hurt?

Who should be shamed?

Who should be hurt and will we remain?

We need a resolution, we have so much confusion..”