Posts Tagged ‘life’

Strangely Familiar

July 14, 2012

By chance I ran into someone the other day who reminded me I have a blog. I didn’t think about it too much, but it sat in the back of my mind, floating there.. waiting.

Today it told me to log back in. It took me 5 minutes just to track down my password.

So I opened it up, prepared to be horrified and ashamed of the terrible writing that must of taken place here.

But… Its not so bad. Its even touching, and a little bit raw, like only a naive 20ish girl could be.

I stopped writing when I finished uni, save for my journal and a poem here or there. That was November 2011. I’d stopped writing here months before that. I honestly thought it was a childish dream that I’d grown out of, and I’d never want to engage in it again. I thought I’d used up all my youthful inspiration and that it doesn’t matter what you write, because none of it makes a difference and its all the same story.

But its not. Because I’ve still been reading. I watched my sister develop her own writing style on her tumblr, which sounded oh so familiar to a certain blog I used to run where I voiced my outraged complaints about the world. And about finding spirituality and love. The similarities were so intense. Its only fair she should get to see where my creativity went at her age.

So maybe I will have to read all the archives, delete a few posts? Or maybe I will just leave it.

I miss those blogging days though, what a different time.

It seems strange that I no longer have the urge to write now that I am in my own house, with my own cat, on my own bed listening to the birds singing outside my window. This was supposed to be the ultimate environment for my creativity. And I’ve neglected it, neglected my brain.

I’ve been very busy that’s true. But aren’t we all. Yet here I am.

I think I will come again.

Her name is Honey Fox.

EDIT: Once I posted this, wordpress awarded me some certificate for making it to 180 posts! fate n shiz

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Star Gazing

January 30, 2011

Broken Glass

December 20, 2010

There was so much dust and cobwebs on my dashboard when I logged in! Sorry blog friends. Although the blog world feels a lot emptier lately.. where have we all gone?

I admit to you, I have been feeling apathetic towards politics the past year or two. Powerless, mute, like nothing I did would ever amount to any positive change. It was just going from bad to worse with no hope of improvement. My vote was not for Liberal or for Labor, and either would win, so what’s the point? The left is right. And my left is “radical”.

Wikileaks means something though. Whether it will slip into the vacuum of forgotten topics of the internet or not I do not know. I’m hoping it had a lasting effect. But we’re so easily distracted by the next big thing. We have verified proof that our governments have been lying and deceiving us in the most abhorrent of manners and yet, it’s as if nothing was said. Where is the outrage?

For the first time in a long while I found myself engaging in debate with people. I trolled statuses, posted videos, wrote tongue in cheek commentaries to headline my news links. Something big is happening right now, something we can never go back from. We successfully shattered the mirrored glass they were hiding behind. We found the wizard behind the curtain. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

The question is, will we be held captive to our government masters or will we finally be granted our freedom (of information, speech, religion, to assemble, to privacy..) ?

What do you think?

Mr Jones

August 17, 2010

“Believe in me

Help me believe in anything

Because I want to be someone who believes..”


You know someone cares about you when your tears make them cry. That’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past ten minutes. Remembering when my sisters cried for me, and when my cousin Tom cried for me. And when I cried for him when his brother died. Just imagining their pain is unbearable, so you cry. You cry because you don’t want them to feel it. Because you can’t help that they do feel it.

I’m his favourite cousin and best friend. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to be there. He lost his bro, his partner in crime, possibly the closest person to him in his life. What can I say to him? He’s not the kind of person who will open up and tell you his feelings. He’s a 24 year old guy who grew up on a farm, who is almost painfully intelligent, in the way that he may be the smartest person I know, kind of a genius. And he has that whole macho, manly farmer thing happening. His best mate is overseas. I’m 3hrs away and stuck there for uni.

Its like that time where people start forgetting the loss. Or they start avoiding it in conversation. That’s kinda the worst part about it, that whole silence that makes it feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because people are still feeling the pain but they don’t want to bring it up because it’s past the appropriate grieving time. Sometimes because I live so far away I forget that he’s even gone. Because I’m not in their day to day lives enough to feel that immediate loss. So I can just be thinking about Tom and then casually wonder something about Bill. And then I remember that he’s gone, and the last time I saw him was my birthday, 6 months before he died, and I really should have made more of an effort to see him and be in his life. And I wonder if I was always as nice to him as I could’ve been.

I have this tissue box that for some reason the girls started drawing on the night of my birthday. They were drawing mermaids on it and taking pictures, just to be silly. It’s the only thing I have to remind me of the last time I saw him. I even used some of the tissues when crying about him. They only just ran out the other day.

I can’t imagine how Tom is feeling. He’s cheated of a best man. A best friend. We were supposed to all have kids that would play together while we drank beers on the outside porch. We were going to be old together. I’ve been trying not to think about it really. I mean I think about it every day, but I don’t think about it in depth. The boys all play guitar, suddenly they’ve all started learning the songs Bill used to play. Its almost like a duty. It’s their way of showing that his memory won’t be lost. That we’ll always play those songs and think of him. He loved getting drunk and playing guitar and singing to us. We all did. It’s like a family tradition.

It’s just so hard to think that I can never have a conversation with him again, because I can still hear his voice in my head. He really was the happy one who joked all the time and laughed the loudest. He was popular and had heaps of girlfriends and mates and played football and was good looking. I remember playing with him as kids, he loved animals. I just can’t understand why he did it. I don’t get why suddenly my cousin is missing from existence. I’ve been to his grave and I still don’t believe it. These things aren’t supposed to happen.

It really makes you re-evaluate life. I suddenly feel very clingy with my family, all my friends, I’m worried about everyone I know. I couldn’t handle it being someone closer, how terrible is that to think? But I mean I couldn’t handle it happening again. On top of this. I can’t bear it. So imagine how badly Tom must be feeling. That makes me cry. He’s practically muted on the topic and he lost his closest friend. How do you help someone who can’t express themselves? I’ll be there in a few weeks, but that’s as soon as I can manage.

This year is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. It’s the bad parrallel universe. Don’t you ever get that feeling like you’re living the bad life in a choose your own adventure? That you made the wrong choice down the line somewhere and wound up on the wrong path. That’s what 2010 has been for me. None of it is within my control. I can’t fix any of it.

He loved Mr Jones by Counting Crows. He loved a lot of songs but I can’t remember them all. Anyway, this song will always make me sad.

Fear.

July 21, 2010

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Its hard to remember that when I get upset and angry, it all comes from my fear. Fear of peoples opinions or not getting what I want, or all this other shit that in reality means little to nothing. I can’t sit here and be eaten by fear all the time. I was fearless once, I want to be again. I can’t act from fear, I have to act against it. I have to be the strength I want to see in others, the truth that I want to be told, the courage to go against the grain, the right in spite of the wrong.

I don’t know about any of you, but my 2010 has been a bit of a slap to the face. I found myself having to deal with some real shit I never saw myself being in a position to endure. And step by step, it has only seemed to have gotten worse. A part of me wants to give up and say fuck it, what can I do? I want to disengage and run away and forget it all. But that can only work for so long. And losing someone close to me has made me realise that I have to face it. I have to open up communication and give my problems the attention and solutions they deserve, despite how hard it is, despite the fear I’m feeling inside. Because running away can never work, it always catches up to you.

I wish I could be like my sisters, and always know whats right or wrong. They always know exactly what to say and they’re always truthful. I wish I could magic my problems away with a puff of cloud and be done with them. I want to be the clever fox who slips away into the night, always a step ahead of the game, never having to own up to the mishaps that lay before me. Because I’m not as strong as I like to think I am. I’m overly sensitive I suppose. Is it because I want to make others feel better about themselves, or because I want others to feel better about me? Maybe both.

Its so easy to get caught up in selfishness, to forget that you’re trying to be good and do the right thing at any intersection you come across. I mostly get it right, but some slip ups leave me so far deep in the wrong that I can’t fathom a way to climb up out of them. And my pride doesn’t think I should have to. But so what if I’m wrong? So what if I’m an idiot? Why should I care so much about having a righteous image? I’ve fucked up plenty of times.

I guess that in itself is a reason. I don’t want to fuck up anymore. I already lived that life, made the wrong choices, pleased only myself. I don’t want to constantly be thought of as the fuck up of the family. I want to be normal, stable, dependable. I want to be the white sheep, not the black one. But its too hard to bleach the wool.

I know what I have to do. What I have to say. So, just do it. Stop being frozen with fear and stand up and say what has to be said. And if you are left with wounds and people who are unhappy with you, so be it. It is their choice to make, they decide how they will react to something. And don’t be surprised when they react with fear, because you often do too.

Peace.

To The Girl I Used To Be

June 30, 2010

This is a letter to my 16 year old self inspired by the lovely Kezza’s most recent post If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

Dear Luli,

Boys can be rats. You’re messing with one of the worst of the bunch, the rat who pretends to be a cute little mouse. Look inside to see whether his actions match up with your morals, because if they don’t, the boy is not worth the trouble. Trust me, even if he leaves now, there will be plenty of chances for you to change your mind, he always comes running back. Realising you’re worth more than his constant bullshit becomes a source of ego and inspiration for you later though, so I dunno. The shattering of your trust for men might be more precious.

Forget the cool kids! They are ridiculous and you know it! You’re too smart to waste all your weekends drinking until you stumble and befriending mean people who mean nothing to you in the long run. Some of them even turn on you. Your “best friend” especially, but she does it in a more elongated, tortuous, slow and malicious way that does not become apparent for years. All those popular boys are just pigs in the end. They hit their girlfriends and get drug addictions and have 3 baby mamas each.

Run away from them and go back to your friendly, sweet boys. One of which you know has a crush on you, who you have a crush on too. If you pass up the chance he gives you, you will regret it forever. He goes into a long term relationship with a chick who makes your life hell for a while, and is still seeing till this day! You’re still best friends with him, but there’s always a sad spot inside that wishes things went differently that will probably always be there.

You were blessed with a brain, with creativity and wit, so use these gifts! When you try, you never fail, so try harder. I know its easy to just coast by without doing too much and still getting ahead, but if you put a little bit of effort in you could go so far. Doing it now will make it easier for you in university, otherwise you start to lose motivation due to lack of practice and organisation. Studying is fun, you love to learn and to be an expert on different things. Don’t waste that brain of yours, engage and preserve it.

The person you are deep down is a lot cooler than you realise, so stop trying to hide her. Stop clamming up in social engagements, you’re actually good at talking and you’re very friendly. If you let other people notice then you would have a lot more fun in uni and at work. You learn to do it eventually of course, but the years you spend being a snob rubbed off on you and now your body language is probably always going to scream ‘unapproachable’. You are outgoing and eccentric, and the sooner you start letting that out the better your life gets.

Go easy on people, ok? Especially your family, they end up becoming the closest and most loyal people in your life. Nobody is perfect, and you can’t even live up to your own expectations, so when they do something you don’t like cut them a bit of slack and try to be kinder. Treat people and their feelings gently and strive to leave only a positive imprint on the world, not a negative one. Compassion is the most beautiful quality a person can have. You have the ability to make someones day much better by just saying a kind word, or sparing a bit of change, so try to do it whenever you can.

However, don’t interpret that as to mean you can let people walk all over you. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If you disagree, speak up. Don’t be bullied into anything, and never act out of fear. Look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what you think. It’s liberating. Don’t worry about what others think of you, let them think. If anything, it should amuse you that you are on their minds. People love to pull other people down, but learn to trust that your opinion is the only one that matters.

You may not realise it at this moment, but the girl you are now makes some critical decisions that shape her path for a long time to come. It’s hard to say now, being your 8 year older self, whether these slip ups have chipped away at your character for good.. or made you stronger and wiser. We will have to wait for my 8 year older self to write to me, so that we can see. You’re still hopelessly naive, so maybe we still have a chance at reversing some of the painful events that have wearied you along the way.

Be strong, Luli. Adopt cats.

Love, 24 year old you.

“If I had to do it all again

I wouldn’t take away the rain

Coz I know it made me who I am

If I had to do it all again

I learned so much from my mistakes

Thats how I know he’s watching me

Nobody knows what life may bring

It might make you happy

It might make you sad

But I know there’s a reason for everything

That’s why I keep believing

Whatever’s meant to be is gonna be..”

Damn Wimminz

October 25, 2009

1252227352528

Hey guize! I just came across this article about the top ten cruelest things women do to men. It was written by a woman, an alleged ‘Emily Miller’, but we all know there ain’t no girls on the intarwebs and this is obviously another 40 year old pervert posing as a chick. Lets see what Emilio has to say:

10. They don’t pick up the phone.

Maybe that’s coz you’re a stalker? Who calls people on the phone anymore anyway? Its all mes’n nowadays.. ‘Come meet me here’ this and ‘Booty call me later’ that. And what about the guys who say they’ll call and never do?

9. Use men for free drinks.

Why you expecting anything out of a drink? Take it back if you think it means we owe you anything but a short conversation. When I think a guy is cute I prefer to buy HIM a drink, and if he’s not cool I walk off, no hard feelings.

8. Use men as placeholders.

This refers to keeping a guy around until you find a better one. Sif men don’t do this too!

7. Emotionally manipulate men.

Lol, we cry to get our own way and have hissy fits apparently, the emotional, hysterical women that we are. If you’re stupid enough to fall for it or to accept that behaviour then you’re just as dumb as each other. Don’t blame us for your idiocy.

6. USE PHYSICAL VIOLENCE(?!?!?!)

What the hell? Get the fuck outta here! As if woman-perpetrated violence on men is in any way as much of a problem as the at least ten times bigger numbers that equate crimes against women. This gave you away Emilio, you silly fuck!

1252227897365

5. Criticise their men in public.

God forbid we ever speak out in disagreement with our man in public, where it might be misconstrued that he is not controlling his woman! Check your ego, douche.

4. They don’t disclose their relationship status.

Ever had a convo with a chick to only find out 20mins in that she is taken? WHAT A WASTE OF TIME WHAT THE FUCK WHO WANTS TO TALK TO SOMEONE YOU CAN’T SCORE ASS OFF THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST THE MALE KINGDOM GODDAMN LYING BITCHES!!!1! MISOGYNY! FUCK OPRAH!

3. They withhold sex.

Ohhh, spousal rape. You owe him sex you silly woman, don’t you know? Consent on his side is all that’s necessary! What, you think you get to decide what to do with your own body? Hahaha, that’s rich. Drop those panties.

2. They test their men.

This is the act of trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to, and then saying ‘But don’t you love me?’ to try and coerce him. This behaviour is only fine when its him requesting sex, you better think again if its you requesting company, you selfish bitch!

AND THE DRUMROLL..

1. They flirt to inspire jealousy.

Ohhh, go fuck yourself. Top article, Emilio.

yahooqlovelc6

Show Me What You Got Shorty

October 13, 2009

“Why even fool with these other guys, they all stingy

All these dudes know how to say is gimme

Gimme some head, gimme some brain

Gimme your number, gimme your name

But if I get one night baby girl I swear

I’ll make you tell these other dudes gimme got ya here!”

b5

My disclaimer is as following: I am disenchanted with the male population at the moment, as a long term single woman, I feel I am allowed a certain percentage of disillusionment with the opposite sex. Lets not get overly defensive, on the most part, I love you guys. I always give you a chance, perhaps naively, when I should be more closed to this kind of thing. Be lenient on my musings!

My question of the week is this: How long before a guy expects to sleep with a girl?

This is something I think obviously depends on the guy in question. You get an idiot guy, he wants it the night he meets you. A nice guy would wait longer before getting frustrated with you. A normal guy would expect it early, push for it if he doesn’t get it, and lash if someone else is giving it away for free. Oh my god, that sounded really bitter didn’t it? I’m sorry.

To be completely honest with you, it wouldn’t at all be out of line to call me a commitment-phobe. I mean, if you read the archives, there’s a lot of dating and a lot of me running away. Its hard enough to get me to settle down, let alone commit to them. And I won’t sleep with a guy unless I’m committed to him, which I think is fair. But my roadblock is always that he won’t commit to me unless he’s slept with me. So there’s a deadlock.

“Lemme get that huh, what you got up in them jeans?

Put it on me, or get lonely

Lemme get that huh, you know five car garages

Name on your bank account, all day massages

Lemme get that huh, I wanna put it on blast

Lemme get that, slow it down before I make you crash boy

Got what you want baby, got what you need

We can’t proceed less you got that for me..”

1210457495322

I’m pretty much my only single friend, all my kids are hooked up with someone and it’s like, once you’re out of the game too long, you have no idea. What is the waiting period? A week, a month, three months? Six? Sadly, my side of town is rather.. promiscuous. The people here don’t think twice about a one night stand, so the ones I could ask are going to have a very skewed opinion.

Lets not forget the times are changing. What was going down four years ago is not going down today. Sexual activity is on the increase, drastically. On any weekend you could decide to pick up someone simply for sex and that would not be unusual. Back in the day, it was less common. To me, its fucking wack. Along with this relaxation of attitudes I’m finding there is this notion of entitlement. A kiss is no longer just a kiss. It has to lead to something. Nothing annoys me more than when I’m with someone and we’re making out, and he tries something but I decline, and then he gets shitty because he thought it was going somewhere!

It happens so often that I’ve come to the conclusion that either I pick the worst guys to date or its just normal for there to be action within the first couple of weeks. Apparently, I’m the unusual one! Maybe I’m being unrealistic, expecting someone to wait when they could just go out tomorrow and get it without having to endure the whole dating thing. Has the sequence become sex, dating, baby, engagement? Am I completely out of the loop?

I know, I know, if he’s a good guy he won’t push me and he’ll be a complete gentleman and all of that. But its hard to believe in these magical elusive guys when I never run into any. And I have a large pool to select from, with uni, work, friends of friends, and guys I meet out and about. I’m starting to think someone’s been telling me fairy tales.

So has anyone noticed this change in the game plan? What are your experiences? How long do you wait?

b6

“Truth or dare mami, listen and learn

I got a drop, I just took off the top

It’s your turn!

Show me what you got lil mama

Show me what you got pretty lady

Show me what you got shorty

Show me what you got baby

Hands up, now wave, wave, wave..”

Further Down The River

October 7, 2009

“I’m floating down a river

Oars freed from their holds long ago

Lying face up on the floor of my vessel

I marvel at the stars

And feel my heart overflow

Further down the river..”

g8g_

Its spring time and all I want to do is float along the breeze.

I have this beautiful dream where I drift along the Mekong under a cloudy sky, while the warm wind rustles through the reeds and across my skin. I’m looking forward to a time when I can escape and rest, do nothing but enjoy the natural scene around me and find some peace. Alone.

I’ve never felt the need to run away before, but lately it’s all I can picture. I’m sick of my suburb, sick of the city, sick of the same things all the time. I don’t feel connected enough to what’s around me and I want to explore new scenes. I want to paint different landscapes in my head to remember wistfully when I grow up.

It strikes me as unusual, I never cared much for travel before. I liked visiting countries but I was always the first to get homesick. Today the idea of packing up my things and moving to Sydney, Surfers Paradise or Saigon seems like heaven. Have a goodbye party, wish my family the best and start again somewhere the sun shines more often. Somewhere I can work a silly job for enough money to cover my vodka and hangover food, that still leaves me with the energy to focus on writing completely.. for once.

I dig my toes into the sand

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

Strewn across a blue plain

I lean against the wind

Pretend that I am weightless

And in this moment I am happy..”

LinkZelda3

Six months ago, the tarot reader told me that he thought I was disconnected from my course, that it wasn’t something I enjoyed or learned much from. At the time I smiled & nodded, but privately believed he was wrong. My subjects weren’t the best, but I knew it was the path I had to take to get where I wanted to go. But now.. he was so right. I hate my course. I’m doing units purely to make up the points for the paper, not because they’re teaching me anything I particularly want to learn. I already aced the subjects I thought were interesting and now I’m left with filling the requirements of my second major with subjects that mean nothing to me. I could care less about media audiences! I don’t give a shit about the culture of corporations! I don’t even like children, so why am I studying their texts?!

What does this degree mean to me? I’ve always hated that it concentrated more on the structure of writing than the craft. I want something more detailed and in-depth, something that actually excites me to learn about. I want workshops and weekly articles, I want to know what makes a good sentence and what is better left out. I’m tired of shutting up and making do, putting in the hard slog for an achievement that I don’t see any merit in.

So what should I do? Find a better course? Disengage from university and try harder to get something real happening? A freelance career or whatever? Stick it out for these last 8 or so months and just push through the painful parts? My dad would be so disappointed in me if I quit. His face is the only thing stopping me from running away and going it alone. But it’s not his life, it’s mine. And I’m not so doting that I would endure it simply to please him. Or am I?

“My biggest fear will be the rescue of me

Strange how it turns out that way, yea..

Can you show me dear

Something I’ve not seen?

Something infinitely interesting..”

coupleundermoon

I want to be out there doing something! I hate these stupid assignments, they have nothing to do with what I envision myself partaking in as a journalist. And the worst part is that I’m planning to go back to that insufferable job again this summer, to try and make enough money to last through another uni semester, which means that if I’m not too drained from boring assignments to write, then I will be too drained from the data entry work! Thus continuing the cycle of no inspiration, no motivation, no drive or energy to write pieces that are meaningful.

I hate that my blog is neglected, it’s the only piece of me that I’m really proud of, and its falling away to some kind of misguided attempt at gaining social status. I want to write posts that are beautiful and inspiring, I want to further my technique and see where I’m going wrong and learn something that will be of value to me. I want to move forward, but all I’m doing is drifting further behind. This blog is the only thing that should be important, it’s the only real chance I have of progress, and I’ve been throwing it away. It’s no wonder I’ve felt so lost and depressed. I always thought I was the type of person who put her passion first, but evidently I have not been.

I’m miserable when I can’t write. And I have been miserable for so long, pushing this away with the idea that I was doing what I had to, to get back to where I wanted. But it’s right here, and I can’t allow myself to take it due to this overpowering need to avert ‘failure’. My parents will think I’m giving up. Why does it matter so much to me what they think? I’m the one who lives my life, I’m the one who knows what I have to do to get ahead. I’m so tired of being too tired to write. It honestly shatters me. Can you imagine the feeling of not being able to do the one thing you truly loved?

Failure, failure, failure.. I have to change something.

group37

“I’m building an antenna

Transmissions will be sent when I am through

Maybe we could meet again

Further down the river

And share what we both discovered

Then revel in the view

Further down the river..”

He Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain’t One

September 28, 2009

To all of you who didn’t believe how many psychos I attract, come listen to a tale of wackness and wtf.. Please note a lot of this was facebook action so there will be a lot of ‘mes’d this’ and ‘wall that’. Sorry in advance.

“I don’t like it when you callin out my name

And get mad coz I said no to your drink

Why can’t you just let me breathe?

Enjoy the music, get off of me!

You make me wanna pull my hair out

You’re the reason I don’t like comin out

Stand here kickin that madness out ya mouth

I’m too grown for that!”

b2

My story begins in my documentary class, where I didn’t particularly notice anyone, but someone apparently noticed me. Then I was out drinking (whats new?) with some of my crew at the local and I saw someone familiar standing beside me. “Hey aren’t you in my class?” I said. And with those dumb first words, an obsession was born, unbeknownst to me. Why do I think men can just be my friend? They never just want to be my friend. Any attempt at a platonic friendship with a guy from uni is not going to work, because as soon as you say hello, they think you’re interested.

Fuck. I just got a little depressed for a second. Okay moving on. So he was all over my facebook, writing annoying things to every post I ever made and it was becoming quite clear that he was either extra attentive to his new fb mates, or that he had a crush on me. I artfully swatted away wall conversations by asking minimal questions and saying ‘catch you later’ or something to that effect after a few mes’s had come to pass and slowly it seemed he was calming down.

Then, out clubbing with my friends, I ran into him again. But remembering his over-eager efforts I kept it short and did my thing. I also saw one of my favourite old friends, Jon, a guy who I rarely see and loves to dance as much as I do, and we kicked it on the dancefloor old school. I noticed the uni guy, lets call him fcukface, was usually around me but I wasn’t playing into that mess. Later on, Jon did try to kiss me, but I told him that while I thought he was one of the best guys, unfortunately I liked someone else. True to character, Jon said “At least I got to know you better tonight,” and even kept hanging out with me like nothing had changed.

The next day I wake up and check fb, and see that fcukface has written “Jon aye?” on my wall. Not only that but he added my sister, who he doesn’t know. Jon is also a fb friend so whatever I reply to this he will see, so I’m thinking fuck! How can I diffuse this by not saying anything about what happened with me and Jon, or anything that will offend Jon, or anything that will lead to more comment about him & I? I decided to private mes fcukface something along the lines of “Me and Jon are good mates, but if I had of known you were so interested, I would have hooked you two up.” I also asked how he knew my sis. He wrote something boring, admitting that he didn’t know her, he just likes to add ppl from our area and I cut the mes short again.

“I dont know what you take me as

Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has

I’m from rags to riches bitches, I ain’t dumb

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

99 problems but a bitch ain’t one..

If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one!”

JayZ+apw22

Almost immediately after this, he changes his status to “Why should I put in any more effort? Fuck the stupid bitch!” or something like that I can’t quite remember the exact words because he deleted it later. But that’s when I knew he was psycho material. And I was particularly shocked by his sentiment, I barely knew him, had only spoken to him a few times when I saw him out, what kind of relationship was he imagining us to have? And how could he be so resentful towards me that he was calling me a stupid bitch?

Two days later I was supposed to have my doco class and I was dreading it. I needed to go because I know almost nothing about video production, but I didn’t wanna see fcukface because he was freaking me out. I decided to suck it up and just go, sat away from him & avoided eye contact. Luckily that day we were getting assigned to our doco groups so I only had to stay for ten minutes instead of 2 hours, because we were supposed to be using that time to create our docos together. I hurried out of the room and never looked back.

By the time I got home he’d written on my wall something about me only being in class for five minutes, blah blah blah, I shut the shit down again. And then for a while, thankfully, all was quiet on the western front.

Then, in finals season, a flare-up. Message, message, message. I was pretty fed up. After we won the grand final there was no stopping me going out and running a muck (Go Cats woOoOoOo!) but anyway he was out again. Draining my life with his conversations at the local. My girl spirited me away with a trip to the bathroom and said “You looked like you needed to be saved.” I wondered what I could do to end it without making him sad, or angry, or psycho. Maybe it was all just about avoiding him as much as I could. But I didn’t want to surrender my local to him, or have to run away all the time, that shit is a pain in the ass. I want to live my life and be normal.

“Its not hot, that when I’m blocking your phone number

You call me over your best friends house

And its not hot that I can’t even go out with my girlfriends

Without you tracking me down

You need to chill out with that mess

Coz you can’t keep having me stressed

Coz every time my phone rings it seems to be you

And I’m prayin that it is someone else!”

Beyonc+987987

On to the club, literally a five minute walk from the pub, he cornered me again there for a chat. But, by this point, I was 4 jagerbombs down and no longer gave a fuck about the world. All I was thinking about was going home, smoking my last joint and chilling on the couch under the back verandah. So when he asked what I was doing after, I told him exactly that. “What? You smoke weed?” He said, a confused and disgusted look on his face.

Fucking bingo. Who knew it could be this easy? “Of course I smoke weed,” I began. “In fact I smoke so much, I doubt you would have ever spoken to me straight..” And launched into the mythical tale of my new persona ‘weed-drug-hippie-Luli’, complete with philosophical meandering and my new exaggerated habits of smoking daily and dabbling into whatever was offered to me. I waxed lyrical about the meaning of life, and how drugs can open up a new perspective better than anything the real world had to offer. All while his face contorted into a mixture of horror and contempt. Stupid goody-two shoes idiots, they’re always so judgemental.

And I was free, almost. Today I woke up to a ripper of a facebook mes, I haven’t had a laugh like this in a while. Anyways, here it is:

“Hey Luli,

Its a shame coz u were doin so well. U lost it half way through the second half n decided 2 go philosophical. And try 2 rationalise the use of illicit substances. The reason u know little about me is coz u didn’t ask any proper questions and all I got asked were things like ‘what is real?’ Well, try 2 look after yourself,

Fcukface.”

See ya later motherfucker. DELETED!!!

Amy+Winehouse+560884166_fe400a6cb1

“When you smoke all my weed man

You gotta call the green man

So I can get mine, and you get yours

I’m my own man, so when will ya learn

That you got a man but I gots to burn

Don’t make no difference if I end up alone

I’d rather have myself and smoke my home grown

Its got me addicted, does more than any dick did

So I can get mine, and you get yours!”