Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Fear.

July 21, 2010

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Its hard to remember that when I get upset and angry, it all comes from my fear. Fear of peoples opinions or not getting what I want, or all this other shit that in reality means little to nothing. I can’t sit here and be eaten by fear all the time. I was fearless once, I want to be again. I can’t act from fear, I have to act against it. I have to be the strength I want to see in others, the truth that I want to be told, the courage to go against the grain, the right in spite of the wrong.

I don’t know about any of you, but my 2010 has been a bit of a slap to the face. I found myself having to deal with some real shit I never saw myself being in a position to endure. And step by step, it has only seemed to have gotten worse. A part of me wants to give up and say fuck it, what can I do? I want to disengage and run away and forget it all. But that can only work for so long. And losing someone close to me has made me realise that I have to face it. I have to open up communication and give my problems the attention and solutions they deserve, despite how hard it is, despite the fear I’m feeling inside. Because running away can never work, it always catches up to you.

I wish I could be like my sisters, and always know whats right or wrong. They always know exactly what to say and they’re always truthful. I wish I could magic my problems away with a puff of cloud and be done with them. I want to be the clever fox who slips away into the night, always a step ahead of the game, never having to own up to the mishaps that lay before me. Because I’m not as strong as I like to think I am. I’m overly sensitive I suppose. Is it because I want to make others feel better about themselves, or because I want others to feel better about me? Maybe both.

Its so easy to get caught up in selfishness, to forget that you’re trying to be good and do the right thing at any intersection you come across. I mostly get it right, but some slip ups leave me so far deep in the wrong that I can’t fathom a way to climb up out of them. And my pride doesn’t think I should have to. But so what if I’m wrong? So what if I’m an idiot? Why should I care so much about having a righteous image? I’ve fucked up plenty of times.

I guess that in itself is a reason. I don’t want to fuck up anymore. I already lived that life, made the wrong choices, pleased only myself. I don’t want to constantly be thought of as the fuck up of the family. I want to be normal, stable, dependable. I want to be the white sheep, not the black one. But its too hard to bleach the wool.

I know what I have to do. What I have to say. So, just do it. Stop being frozen with fear and stand up and say what has to be said. And if you are left with wounds and people who are unhappy with you, so be it. It is their choice to make, they decide how they will react to something. And don’t be surprised when they react with fear, because you often do too.

Peace.

A Bit Of Planetarium Perspective

July 4, 2008

“No pill can heal the ill of this sickness

Some are still in doubt of its existence

Some call it forgiveness and some say its the vengeance

Some say its an exit and some say its an entrance

The poor say the rich have the cure

The rich say the poor are the source

Revolutionaries say its a psychological war

Invented by the press

Just to have something to report..”

My last couple of posts have been a bit volatile and thinking in depth about these kinds of things we often have no way of changing can sometimes be draining and frustrating. Arguing points and debating are good for the brain, but are also a strain on your psyche. I know when I think about it long enough, the worlds problems and my own can overwhelm me and I wonder if I can ever get past these things and back to happiness.

The best person I can be is unselfish and caring and its hard to uphold that 24/7. When I don’t get what I want and when things aren’t going my way I can get grumpy. Once I reach a certain point of grumpy, nothing will satisfy me no matter what you do because not only do I want my own way, but I’m feeling guilty about getting it so its like damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A kiss on the cheek and a cup of tea can usually remedy this though.

When I’m in these moods something that always brings me back down to earth is trying to remember all that I have, that others don’t have. I’ll never go hungry. I have a family who will love me no matter what I do. I’m not in a country that ignores my basic freedoms or that tortures me. Its good to see how small my problems are in comparison to those of the world, because it teaches me to shut the fuck up and be grateful.

I went to the Melbourne Planetarium last Saturday and if you’re feeling like you want to remember that your life is ok, and that sometimes things don’t matter then I recommend seeing the ‘Are We Alone In The Universe’ show. It only costs about $5 and its narrated by Harrison Ford, so where can you go wrong?

“Lately I’m getting better

Wish I could stay sick with you

But theres too many egos left to bruise

Call it sin, you can call it whatever

Eating deep inside of you

Well if it were me its all I’d ever do

I’m the generator, firing whenever you quit

Yeah, whatever it is, you go out and its on

Yeah can’t you hear my motored heart?

You’re the one that started it..”

I also want to say that sometimes we find ourselves being unreasonably angry to those around us, parents, friends or people we don’t like but are forced to be around. Even if they are poisoning you with their negative energy towards you theres really only one way to get around it. You have to take their venom and return it with a smile and a loving attitude. Remember that if they are pissed off it hurts no-one but themselves unless you let it hurt you. Once you retaliate and hurt them back you just played into their shit and got owned because you’re the one hurting now.

Also, pissed off people and in fact most people in general are holding a lot of hurt in their hearts. Sometimes the reason is hard to identify, but sometimes you already know that Sammy can be cold because his dad left him when he was a kid and he finds it hard connecting to people without putting his pride in the way. If you understand that people are sad, sometimes they’re over it and sometimes it never heals, you can find the compassion to deal with anyones hate. They’re just reflecting their pain onto you, which you might do to someone else on a different day.

I know we can all think of a moment in our lives where we were so overcome with sadness and despair that we thought we could never get up again. We have all felt it, so why perpetuate another’s pain by being rude or mean? Let it go, its much healthier and you will be a happier person for it. And then take that happiness, go outside and look at the sky and see how you feel. Its probably as close to understanding the meaning of life as I will ever get.

“Thinking about thinking of you

Summertime think it was June

Yeah think it was June

Laying back, head on the grass

Children grown having some laughs

Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one

Made me feel like the one

The one..

I don’t know where we are goin now..”