Posts Tagged ‘sister’

Strangely Familiar

July 14, 2012

By chance I ran into someone the other day who reminded me I have a blog. I didn’t think about it too much, but it sat in the back of my mind, floating there.. waiting.

Today it told me to log back in. It took me 5 minutes just to track down my password.

So I opened it up, prepared to be horrified and ashamed of the terrible writing that must of taken place here.

But… Its not so bad. Its even touching, and a little bit raw, like only a naive 20ish girl could be.

I stopped writing when I finished uni, save for my journal and a poem here or there. That was November 2011. I’d stopped writing here months before that. I honestly thought it was a childish dream that I’d grown out of, and I’d never want to engage in it again. I thought I’d used up all my youthful inspiration and that it doesn’t matter what you write, because none of it makes a difference and its all the same story.

But its not. Because I’ve still been reading. I watched my sister develop her own writing style on her tumblr, which sounded oh so familiar to a certain blog I used to run where I voiced my outraged complaints about the world. And about finding spirituality and love. The similarities were so intense. Its only fair she should get to see where my creativity went at her age.

So maybe I will have to read all the archives, delete a few posts? Or maybe I will just leave it.

I miss those blogging days though, what a different time.

It seems strange that I no longer have the urge to write now that I am in my own house, with my own cat, on my own bed listening to the birds singing outside my window. This was supposed to be the ultimate environment for my creativity. And I’ve neglected it, neglected my brain.

I’ve been very busy that’s true. But aren’t we all. Yet here I am.

I think I will come again.

Her name is Honey Fox.

EDIT: Once I posted this, wordpress awarded me some certificate for making it to 180 posts! fate n shiz

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A Quick Message From My Hideout

November 4, 2008

“All I hear is raindrops

Falling on the rooftop

Tell me why you had to go

Coz this pain I feel it won’t go away

And today

I’m officially missing you..”

dragongirl

I am literally sitting in my room pretending to be asleep while my sister and her friends wait for me to wake up and drink with them. I don’t know if I can do it, I’ve seriously had enough. I’ve been drinking all weekend and making small talk with people and its killing my soul. Theres something about smiling when you don’t really want to, after a while your face just says ‘fuck it, I’m out, we’re done!’ and it starts looking like a pained grimace.

My sis came back from India for a few days, so I can’t get out of this one. But I’m so tired, so done, I’m all used up with drinking and talking. I’ve had a huge weekend. Friday I watched Terminator 2, probably the best of all the Terminators, and spray tanned my sister, straightened my bros hair for a dress up party and had trouble sleeping again. Saturday was one long ass pub crawl through Hawthorn, (which could have ended prematurely because the bouncers at the Glenferrie are fucked!) which finished at some empty bourgeoisie cigar bar that our crew of thirty took over (unfortunately, they didn’t have any bouncers so they couldn’t get rid of us). I spent a lot of that night in an alley way helping my sister throw up but apparently there was some batman climbing clocktower antics and some harrassing of rich people and some fancy cuban cigar work that I missed out on.

you-found-me

“And I’m not, not sure

Not too sure how it feels

To handle everyday

Like the one that just passed

In the crowds of all the people

Remember today, I’ve no respect for you

And I miss you love..”

Sunday and Monday were funeral days. I barely cried, I don’t know why.. I cry at everything, so I don’t understand it. Have I suddenly gotten cold? Have I run out of crying steam? Is it because I was surrounded by people? I thought maybe it was because I did a lot of crying the day I found out, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m not a crier anymore. I finally got to sleep though. Its been what, a week? Maybe two? I think I’m stressed out, or I’ve been stretched too far. And the Christmas season hasn’t even begun yet, man I’m struggling! I never thought there would come a day when I didn’t actually want to get on the drinks.

So thats the go. I’ll write a real post soon, but I have to go drink with India now. Just checking in to do some complaining. Oh, I found out something interesting though. I was talking to my aunt and mentioned reading Tarot and told her I’d read her cards one day and she was shocked. She said my grandmothers mother used to be into all of that stuff and was apparently quite gifted and that she must have passed it onto me. It was pretty comforting to know that someone else could read and that I wasn’t just crazy, finally feels like I fit into the family. I’m not the only gypsy girl! I’m out yo, see you at your places for some catch up reading.

esmerelda

Rejection Guilt

September 22, 2008

“Oh been trying to let it go

Trying to keep my eyes closed

Trying to keep it just like before

Times when I never even thought to speak

Don’t wanna tell you what it is

Oh the way I felt so serious

Got me thinking just too much

I wanna shut it off but..”

I once dated my older brothers friend. Now, I’m not exactly sure where that sits on the right or wrong scale according to national consensus, but at the time (last year) it was slightly off to the wrong end of the continuum. We met at a party in a pub, which is what my brothers crowd does for every birthday, and the first time he approached me I found him to be boring, up himself and superficial. I should have gone with my gut and left it at that.

For something thats apparently ‘so wrong’ everybody that night was all encouraging and pushing for us to talk. After I snobbed him they were coming up to me asking me why and telling me to give him another chance. So I did, and he did better the second time around, got my number, kissed me in front of my brother (damn you alcohol!) and took me on another four dates before I called it off.

The problem was he was too suave, and all about being hip and intellectual, and it was like he was just trying too hard to be cool and at the same time was being condescending towards me for being only 21 (he was 28). I usually like older guys because they’re more mature and they can teach me things and they’re smart, but this guy sneered at me because my favourite movies were Shaun of the Dead and Waynes World. He was all rapt to date a 21 year old, but wanted me to act 28, and I just wanted to be me. But in the beginning he was more himself and we chatted easily about books and shared interests, and it was like he’d fallen from that back into some facade of what he wanted me to think of him.

“Its this one thing that got me trippin

Its this one thing that got me trippin, you did..

This one thing, my soul maybe feelin

Its this one thing you did, uh oh, uh oh..

Its this one thing that caught me slippin

Its this one thing don’t want to admit it, you did..

This one thing and I was so with it

Its this one thing you did, uh oh, uh oh..”

And its a pity too, because in the start I found him to be really sweet and earnest, and I was impressed by the lengths he went to for our dates. Ferris wheels, candle lit dinners in Italian restaurants, blah blah blah. It’s wasted on me, but I still appreciate the effort. This guy was actually pretty perfect. He was hot, built, tall, reliable, had his own apartment in some trendy area, he was very (overly, intimidatingly) fashion conscious, had a good job, liked reading and discussions, wanted to settle down, really liked me.. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. But I threw him away.

My brother got very weird about the whole thing though, he’d barely speak to me, he was very standoffish and it was really ripping me apart. He’s never been anything but completely loving and doting towards me so it was very upsetting that he began acting that way. I couldn’t continue seeing him if it was going to cause a rift between me and my bro, I didn’t even care about his friendship with him because its pretty obvious when you’re dating younger sisters that your friendship is on the back burner. Maybe that should have been a hint? Oh well.

So anyways, he was at the party (in a pub) that I was at last night, and it was the first time I’d seen him in ages. Usually when I bar someone, I can feel their hate burning as they stare at the back of my head, but this time something worse happened. He avoided me, of course, I did the same, but when he looked at me he did it with sadness. Man, I wasn’t prepared for that. I felt like such a dog. I know what it feels like to think that you might be having something special with someone only to see it turn to shit without having any idea why. Its horrible.

“Hey, we don’t know each other well

So why do I keep picking up my cell

Memories just keep ringing bells

Hear voices I don’t wanna understand

My car keys are jingling in my hand

My high heels are clicking towards your door..”

And even though I know its my fault he feels that way because I gave him some lame ass line about not being ready for a relationship, I really want to some how ease his pain but at the same time I know I couldn’t help in any way, unless I somehow fixed his damaged pride by asking him out or telling him I thought I’d made a mistake. But I don’t think I’ve made a mistake and thats whats the worst part, I’ve rejected someone completely from having known them only partially, and I don’t even like him enough to give him another chance. Thats what makes it so awful, because he knows it. I took a look at him and said, ‘sorry, no thanks’ and theres nothing he can do about it, and he has no idea why.

And so I spent the whole night keeping out of his way and trying to melt into the crowd. Eventually we ran into each other head on, and we kissed cheeks and exchanged pleasantries. It couldn’t have gone better, for an awkward old date run in. It troubles me though. Someone opened up to me and tried their hardest to swoon me, and I did what I hate boys doing, and left him without any idea of what was wrong. He wouldn’t have thought that it was something little, he would assume it was about his character, because you always assume the worst. I know I do.

I just had to be a cold bitch. Arghhh.

“And maybe I just can’t believe it

Its this one thing you did, uh oh,

I can’t deny, tired of trying

Nothing left to do but to give up seeing you

I’m hoping you can keep a secret, for me

Its what you did..”

The Spring Preview

August 29, 2008

Melburn peeps.. Make sure to go outside today and catch some of that sunshine! I’ve been sitting outside all day today and its just perfect. Light breeze, warm sunshine, blues skies.. Its going to rain tomorrow, so this may be your last chance until Tuesday, when apparently the sun will come out again to play.

In other news, my beloved blonde model sister went to India last night and so yesterdays daily awkward/embarrassing moment from me was my sister telling me she was going to have to leave for passport control and me bursting out “I’m not ready for that yet!” and erupting into tears, complete with crazy I-can’t-breathe sobbing. In front of the whole airport, no less. I actually saw an Indian family take a few steps away from me with wide eyes. I guess I can be a little dramatic sometimes.

But she is my baby sister, gone all by herself for six months. She’s going to be living in a nunnery in northern India, as a volunteer to teach some Tibetan kidlets how to speak the English. God, not only is she the essence of beauty incarnate, she has to be a humanitarian too. Between her and my social worker sister Min, its going to be hard to live up to the family name.

Be careful, my little curry puff!

“You turn the sky from grey to blue

And its beautiful because of you..”