Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Strangely Familiar

July 14, 2012

By chance I ran into someone the other day who reminded me I have a blog. I didn’t think about it too much, but it sat in the back of my mind, floating there.. waiting.

Today it told me to log back in. It took me 5 minutes just to track down my password.

So I opened it up, prepared to be horrified and ashamed of the terrible writing that must of taken place here.

But… Its not so bad. Its even touching, and a little bit raw, like only a naive 20ish girl could be.

I stopped writing when I finished uni, save for my journal and a poem here or there. That was November 2011. I’d stopped writing here months before that. I honestly thought it was a childish dream that I’d grown out of, and I’d never want to engage in it again. I thought I’d used up all my youthful inspiration and that it doesn’t matter what you write, because none of it makes a difference and its all the same story.

But its not. Because I’ve still been reading. I watched my sister develop her own writing style on her tumblr, which sounded oh so familiar to a certain blog I used to run where I voiced my outraged complaints about the world. And about finding spirituality and love. The similarities were so intense. Its only fair she should get to see where my creativity went at her age.

So maybe I will have to read all the archives, delete a few posts? Or maybe I will just leave it.

I miss those blogging days though, what a different time.

It seems strange that I no longer have the urge to write now that I am in my own house, with my own cat, on my own bed listening to the birds singing outside my window. This was supposed to be the ultimate environment for my creativity. And I’ve neglected it, neglected my brain.

I’ve been very busy that’s true. But aren’t we all. Yet here I am.

I think I will come again.

Her name is Honey Fox.

EDIT: Once I posted this, wordpress awarded me some certificate for making it to 180 posts! fate n shiz

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Further Down The River

October 7, 2009

“I’m floating down a river

Oars freed from their holds long ago

Lying face up on the floor of my vessel

I marvel at the stars

And feel my heart overflow

Further down the river..”

g8g_

Its spring time and all I want to do is float along the breeze.

I have this beautiful dream where I drift along the Mekong under a cloudy sky, while the warm wind rustles through the reeds and across my skin. I’m looking forward to a time when I can escape and rest, do nothing but enjoy the natural scene around me and find some peace. Alone.

I’ve never felt the need to run away before, but lately it’s all I can picture. I’m sick of my suburb, sick of the city, sick of the same things all the time. I don’t feel connected enough to what’s around me and I want to explore new scenes. I want to paint different landscapes in my head to remember wistfully when I grow up.

It strikes me as unusual, I never cared much for travel before. I liked visiting countries but I was always the first to get homesick. Today the idea of packing up my things and moving to Sydney, Surfers Paradise or Saigon seems like heaven. Have a goodbye party, wish my family the best and start again somewhere the sun shines more often. Somewhere I can work a silly job for enough money to cover my vodka and hangover food, that still leaves me with the energy to focus on writing completely.. for once.

I dig my toes into the sand

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

Strewn across a blue plain

I lean against the wind

Pretend that I am weightless

And in this moment I am happy..”

LinkZelda3

Six months ago, the tarot reader told me that he thought I was disconnected from my course, that it wasn’t something I enjoyed or learned much from. At the time I smiled & nodded, but privately believed he was wrong. My subjects weren’t the best, but I knew it was the path I had to take to get where I wanted to go. But now.. he was so right. I hate my course. I’m doing units purely to make up the points for the paper, not because they’re teaching me anything I particularly want to learn. I already aced the subjects I thought were interesting and now I’m left with filling the requirements of my second major with subjects that mean nothing to me. I could care less about media audiences! I don’t give a shit about the culture of corporations! I don’t even like children, so why am I studying their texts?!

What does this degree mean to me? I’ve always hated that it concentrated more on the structure of writing than the craft. I want something more detailed and in-depth, something that actually excites me to learn about. I want workshops and weekly articles, I want to know what makes a good sentence and what is better left out. I’m tired of shutting up and making do, putting in the hard slog for an achievement that I don’t see any merit in.

So what should I do? Find a better course? Disengage from university and try harder to get something real happening? A freelance career or whatever? Stick it out for these last 8 or so months and just push through the painful parts? My dad would be so disappointed in me if I quit. His face is the only thing stopping me from running away and going it alone. But it’s not his life, it’s mine. And I’m not so doting that I would endure it simply to please him. Or am I?

“My biggest fear will be the rescue of me

Strange how it turns out that way, yea..

Can you show me dear

Something I’ve not seen?

Something infinitely interesting..”

coupleundermoon

I want to be out there doing something! I hate these stupid assignments, they have nothing to do with what I envision myself partaking in as a journalist. And the worst part is that I’m planning to go back to that insufferable job again this summer, to try and make enough money to last through another uni semester, which means that if I’m not too drained from boring assignments to write, then I will be too drained from the data entry work! Thus continuing the cycle of no inspiration, no motivation, no drive or energy to write pieces that are meaningful.

I hate that my blog is neglected, it’s the only piece of me that I’m really proud of, and its falling away to some kind of misguided attempt at gaining social status. I want to write posts that are beautiful and inspiring, I want to further my technique and see where I’m going wrong and learn something that will be of value to me. I want to move forward, but all I’m doing is drifting further behind. This blog is the only thing that should be important, it’s the only real chance I have of progress, and I’ve been throwing it away. It’s no wonder I’ve felt so lost and depressed. I always thought I was the type of person who put her passion first, but evidently I have not been.

I’m miserable when I can’t write. And I have been miserable for so long, pushing this away with the idea that I was doing what I had to, to get back to where I wanted. But it’s right here, and I can’t allow myself to take it due to this overpowering need to avert ‘failure’. My parents will think I’m giving up. Why does it matter so much to me what they think? I’m the one who lives my life, I’m the one who knows what I have to do to get ahead. I’m so tired of being too tired to write. It honestly shatters me. Can you imagine the feeling of not being able to do the one thing you truly loved?

Failure, failure, failure.. I have to change something.

group37

“I’m building an antenna

Transmissions will be sent when I am through

Maybe we could meet again

Further down the river

And share what we both discovered

Then revel in the view

Further down the river..”

NYC Let Me Upgrade You

December 7, 2008

“Partner let me upgrade you, Audemars Piguet you

Switch your neck ties to purple labels

Upgrade you, I can up, can I up, let me upgrade you

Partner let me upgrade you..

Partner let me upgrade you,

Flip a new page, introduce you to some new things &

Upgrade you, I can up, can I up, let me upgrade you

Partner let me upgrade you..”

chidori

My friends, there comes a time when a girl looks at her blog and wonders why it no longer inspires her with the spark of creativity it once did. There is no lack of imagination on my part, and its true that life has thrown me a few curve balls with my laptop breaking down, internet being capped and fulltime job about to be started. But it takes a lot more than that to keep a writer away from her most enjoyable hobby, and her blogger family.

I am not giving up, I still have hundreds of stories and ideas left to share with you, and I don’t want to be out of the loop on your own unfolding sagas. However, I can hardly say I’m the same teary princess who built a confessional from anime, song lyrics and heartache. In fact I’ve never been much of a princess at all, but I’ve definitely been spoilt. I let myself drown in all the drama of it all, and to be honest, thats not me.

So what I propose to you all is something a little more me, and a little less cryface olden time Luli. My blog needs a change. And what I want from you all is merely an opinion on what I should do. I’m never gonna lose the anime, and the lyrics are a big part of me (even though I’ve lost my years of songs to the destruction of my lappy) so you can settle down, I still have to be the Luli after all. Its the title that weighs on me.

fmp_kaname122

“I can do for you what Martin did for the people

Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo

Its very seldom that you’re blessed to find your equal

Still play my part and let you take the lead role believe me

I’ll follow this could be easy

I’ll be the help whenever you need me

I see your hustle with my hustle I can keep you

Focused on your focus I can feed you..” 

Nothing You Confess Could Make Me Love You Less – Well, it did suit me back in the day. But not now. I mean its a great song, its beautiful, a classic even.. Its just a little too long, a little too cumbersome, too hard to say, carries too much memories of a time or person that I no longer associate myself with. We’re growing here aren’t we? Through our writing? I’ve outgrown it.

But it is a big blogging step, and could potentially ruin everything. What if it confused people? What if they lost my address through all the moving and commotion? What if they don’t want change, they like the old me, the new one is an imposter? Are some things better off the way they are, going down the same street, sticking to what you first ordered?

Its not to say I wouldn’t write my soppy personal posts every now and then, injected with my drunken adventures through Melbourne. I think we all realise by now that I can’t keep my mouth shut when it comes to these things, as if awkwardness were something I revel in. I just like painting those pictures of what I’m feeling, and giving in to that whole voyeuristic, you can see what I’m thinking stuff.

“Just when you think we had it all

Big ends, condos, collecting cars

Picture your life elevated with me

Make you my project celebrity

I keep your name hot in them streets

Its that little glimpse of light

That makes the diamond really shine

And you already is a star, but

Unless your flawless

Then ya dynasty ain’t complete without a chief like me..”

kanamechidori

So I want to rename my blog Streets On Fire, a tribute to my favourite song, the one I wrote a post about on the bottom of this page, that I love so very dearly and is my vibe and essence. Its how I think and all of that. Its just more me, its more Melbourne, its more suited to doing what I do, discussing morals and issues and politics and philosophy. It even kinda suits the web address better. I’ll keep the anime banner just change the words. What do you think? Stupid? Am I crazy?

Okay, I tried to make a poll but this dinosaur lappy has frozen up each time, apparently multiple answer questions are too much for it to handle so I’ll leave this to the comments box. Streets On Fire or Nothing You Confess? Hit me up with your very valuable opinions. Thank you, much love!

Uni Drained It

October 13, 2008

I’m so glad I have one more week left, then I’m on holidays. Today was a shitty day. I had a team presentation on some research project gayness, which I took control of and delegated tasks so that we’d all have equal parts, blah blah, you know how it is. The way it was planned out was that I’d do the intro and then my results, anti-feminist bimbo does her results (how can you be anti-feminist as a woman? Is it even possible? Do you argue for yourself to have less rights? I don’t get it..) and then quiet face does her results and the conclusion. Instead of having an extra talking bit, the bimbo puts it all together on powerpoint, because I hate doing that.

So we’re all happy and its all good, but bimbo sends me the email with no presentation attachment. I think ‘ahh it will be fine’, and just rock up with my notes. I mean she only has to copy and paste, how hard can it be? I put heaps of effort in for once, because I can sometimes get flustered, so I knew at least my part would be awesome. Plus I’m a bit competitive with these things and I wanted to shine compared to bimbo and quiet face.

The bitch barred the fuck out of me! She cut my introduction in half and used my brilliant points for her own speech and mixed the results of all of ours to combine them into one result! She actually said half of my talk for me! What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.. Like before we started she goes, oh about the limitations, I just used yours for the whole results. And I thought she meant she just said in her speech, my limitations were the same as Luli’s (because its the same assignment whatever), but what she meant was, she took my second half of the intro/results, chopped it up and used what she needed!

So, I’m not a fantastic public speaker in the first place because I get nervous and sidetracked, but when I saw my shit was all fucked up I panicked hard! I was a mess up there, goddamnit.. I needed my second half to tie shit together and make it work, without it I sounded like I was too off track, and she fucking took my arguments and said them herself. And all but completely ignored me and quiet face’s results. Of course, she was cool under pressure and delivered her talk perfectly pausing only to shoot me a glance that said ‘We’re cool right? I’m using your shit here and you don’t mind yeah?’.

I was fucking stunned. I wished I had simplified my points so that she couldn’t understand them, but like an idiot I sent her the whole thing. And I just know she’s gonna use all my stuff for the write up, probably in the exact same words, because she’s a whore. And now I look like the stuttering fool, and she’s all on the ball with her social research and FUCK! I’m so cut I actually have tears of frustration.. I HATE HER! I know now at least I could never be a politician, with their calmness under fire and public speechery and such. Probably for the best, you all know I’m no angel.

Then after that in my writing class this chick that I don’t even really like was sitting next to me and we started workshopping her memoir piece. She wrote about her brother dying but it didn’t become apparent that it was a true story until she started crying halfway through reading it. I didn’t know what to do, she was like sobbing beside me, her tears were mussing up all the ink on her page. So I hugged her. I even rubbed her back a bit to sooth her coz she was all gaspy. What do you do? You can’t just let them cry over their sibling in front of you and just look away because its awkward.

It was weird though, and I’m not quite sure if it was inappropriate, I mean we’re not even cool with each other usually. I’m always rolling my eyes at her because she adds anecdotes to every thing she says in class, and thats my pet hate. Man, thats some rough shit to go through. It made me think of that question, if you were in a room of strangers and got news that someone close to you had died, would you walk out of the room or cry on the spot in front of them?

I’d like to think that I’d walk out, but in reality I’m a blubbering mess that cries at episodes of Buffy & Gilmore Girls. What would you do?

Pakistani Spectator Interview

August 10, 2008

I was contacted for an interview by The Pakistani Spectator about my blogging habits and beliefs. You can read it here if you want. After a careful perusing of their site (read: scanned a few posts for signs of right wing ideology :P) I’ve decided that I like them, and they seem very dedicated to updating and covering Pakistan related issues thoroughly. Check them out here, if you are so inclined.

Cheers!