He Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain’t One

To all of you who didn’t believe how many psychos I attract, come listen to a tale of wackness and wtf.. Please note a lot of this was facebook action so there will be a lot of ‘mes’d this’ and ‘wall that’. Sorry in advance.

“I don’t like it when you callin out my name

And get mad coz I said no to your drink

Why can’t you just let me breathe?

Enjoy the music, get off of me!

You make me wanna pull my hair out

You’re the reason I don’t like comin out

Stand here kickin that madness out ya mouth

I’m too grown for that!”

My story begins in my documentary class, where I didn’t particularly notice anyone, but someone apparently noticed me. Then I was out drinking (whats new?) with some of my crew at the local and I saw someone familiar standing beside me. “Hey aren’t you in my class?” I said. And with those dumb first words, an obsession was born, unbeknownst to me. Why do I think men can just be my friend? They never just want to be my friend. Any attempt at a platonic friendship with a guy from uni is not going to work, because as soon as you say hello, they think you’re interested.

Fuck. I just got a little depressed for a second. Okay moving on. So he was all over my facebook, writing annoying things to every post I ever made and it was becoming quite clear that he was either extra attentive to his new fb mates, or that he had a crush on me. I artfully swatted away wall conversations by asking minimal questions and saying ‘catch you later’ or something to that effect after a few mes’s had come to pass and slowly it seemed he was calming down.

Then, out clubbing with my friends, I ran into him again. But remembering his over-eager efforts I kept it short and did my thing. I also saw one of my favourite old friends, Jon, a guy who I rarely see and loves to dance as much as I do, and we kicked it on the dancefloor old school. I noticed the uni guy, lets call him fcukface, was usually around me but I wasn’t playing into that mess. Later on, Jon did try to kiss me, but I told him that while I thought he was one of the best guys, unfortunately I liked someone else. True to character, Jon said “At least I got to know you better tonight,” and even kept hanging out with me like nothing had changed.

The next day I wake up and check fb, and see that fcukface has written “Jon aye?” on my wall. Not only that but he added my sister, who he doesn’t know. Jon is also a fb friend so whatever I reply to this he will see, so I’m thinking fuck! How can I diffuse this by not saying anything about what happened with me and Jon, or anything that will offend Jon, or anything that will lead to more comment about him & I? I decided to private mes fcukface something along the lines of “Me and Jon are good mates, but if I had of known you were so interested, I would have hooked you two up.” I also asked how he knew my sis. He wrote something boring, admitting that he didn’t know her, he just likes to add ppl from our area and I cut the mes short again.

“I dont know what you take me as

Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has

I’m from rags to riches bitches, I ain’t dumb

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one, hit me!

99 problems but a bitch ain’t one..

If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one!”

Almost immediately after this, he changes his status to “Why should I put in any more effort? Fuck the stupid bitch!” or something like that I can’t quite remember the exact words because he deleted it later. But that’s when I knew he was psycho material. And I was particularly shocked by his sentiment, I barely knew him, had only spoken to him a few times when I saw him out, what kind of relationship was he imagining us to have? And how could he be so resentful towards me that he was calling me a stupid bitch?

Two days later I was supposed to have my doco class and I was dreading it. I needed to go because I know almost nothing about video production, but I didn’t wanna see fcukface because he was freaking me out. I decided to suck it up and just go, sat away from him & avoided eye contact. Luckily that day we were getting assigned to our doco groups so I only had to stay for ten minutes instead of 2 hours, because we were supposed to be using that time to create our docos together. I hurried out of the room and never looked back.

By the time I got home he’d written on my wall something about me only being in class for five minutes, blah blah blah, I shut the shit down again. And then for a while, thankfully, all was quiet on the western front.

Then, in finals season, a flare-up. Message, message, message. I was pretty fed up. After we won the grand final there was no stopping me going out and running a muck (Go Cats woOoOoOo!) but anyway he was out again. Draining my life with his conversations at the local. My girl spirited me away with a trip to the bathroom and said “You looked like you needed to be saved.” I wondered what I could do to end it without making him sad, or angry, or psycho. Maybe it was all just about avoiding him as much as I could. But I didn’t want to surrender my local to him, or have to run away all the time, that shit is a pain in the ass. I want to live my life and be normal.

“Its not hot, that when I’m blocking your phone number

You call me over your best friends house

And its not hot that I can’t even go out with my girlfriends

Without you tracking me down

You need to chill out with that mess

Coz you can’t keep having me stressed

Coz every time my phone rings it seems to be you

And I’m prayin that it is someone else!”

On to the club, literally a five minute walk from the pub, he cornered me again there for a chat. But, by this point, I was 4 jagerbombs down and no longer gave a fuck about the world. All I was thinking about was going home, smoking my last joint and chilling on the couch under the back verandah. So when he asked what I was doing after, I told him exactly that. “What? You smoke weed?” He said, a confused and disgusted look on his face.

Fucking bingo. Who knew it could be this easy? “Of course I smoke weed,” I began. “In fact I smoke so much, I doubt you would have ever spoken to me straight..” And launched into the mythical tale of my new persona ‘weed-drug-hippie-Luli’, complete with philosophical meandering and my new exaggerated habits of smoking daily and dabbling into whatever was offered to me. I waxed lyrical about the meaning of life, and how drugs can open up a new perspective better than anything the real world had to offer. All while his face contorted into a mixture of horror and contempt. Stupid goody-two shoes idiots, they’re always so judgemental.

And I was free, almost. Today I woke up to a ripper of a facebook mes, I haven’t had a laugh like this in a while. Anyways, here it is:

“Hey Luli,

Its a shame coz u were doin so well. U lost it half way through the second half n decided 2 go philosophical. And try 2 rationalise the use of illicit substances. The reason u know little about me is coz u didn’t ask any proper questions and all I got asked were things like ‘what is real?’ Well, try 2 look after yourself,

Fcukface.”

See ya later motherfucker. DELETED!!!

“When you smoke all my weed man

You gotta call the green man

So I can get mine, and you get yours

I’m my own man, so when will ya learn

That you got a man but I gots to burn

Don’t make no difference if I end up alone

I’d rather have myself and smoke my home grown

Its got me addicted, does more than any dick did

So I can get mine, and you get yours!”

Tags: amy winehouse, Beyonce, dating, facebook, fcukface, i drink too much, i hate people, idiot, jay-z, life, men, psychos, stalkers, tamia, weed, what the fuck, wtf