Star Gazing

Jabreel’s Inferno

“Per me si va ne la città dolente,

Per me si va ne l’etterno dolore,

Per me si va tra la perduta gente.

Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore:

Fecemi la divina podestate,

La somma sapienza e ‘l primo amore.

Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create

Se non etterne, e io etterno duro.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate!”*

Lately I have been reading Dante’s Inferno and while usually I can dismiss religious texts, it has inspired me to ponder on the (debated) reality of heaven and hell. I’ve never been a ‘Christian’ girl to the dismay of my Catholic grandmother, although in my youth I entertained the possibility and attended a couple of masses with her, and even wore a beautiful silver cross encrusted with shining azure coloured topaz. Although, I admit I wore it more for the beauty of it than the meanings attached.

My parents both rejected the Christian ways of their parents as they grew older, my father once walked in on my Nanna telling us what to say in prayer and cried in exasperation “Don’t teach them that bullshit!”. I was always told that I didn’t have to participate in Religious Education in Primary School, and while I did go in the beginning, I soon tired of singing ridiculous hymns and remembering verses, and arranged to be removed from the class. I’ve never cared for Christianity.

But I can’t shake the belief in Fate, that destiny controls my path and that I’m lead to come across certain things for my own benefit. I’ve never had an inclination to read the Inferno, but a friend of my sisters lent me a big stack of books and it was in there, along with the other two parts to the trilogy. Even then, I wasn’t too keen, but one of my lecturers mentioned it in class and said that no-one could ever reach the last text, because it was too boring. And so with such a challenge issued to me, how could I refuse?

So I’ve been reading it, and with each circle of Hell Dante passes through I wonder is that where I will be? Is this the torture I will suffer? Then I think, you don’t believe in this fairy tale bullshit do you? That death is followed by another life in a magical realm? Such things couldn’t exist. But then, why have I been influenced to read this book? I never wanted to. And it has planted a seed of doubt in my mind, a seed that may have been destined to fall into place to make me question what the world is about.

Not that I would apply that belief in Heaven and Hell to Christian beliefs, I would think of it as something that would push me back to an Islamic path. Otherwise, why would I have made so many strong Muslim friendships and fallen into their culture and beliefs so easily? In Islam, there is the notion that everyone has the chance to revert and it is up to them to take that chance. It seems to me that I’ve been given so much in the way of Islamic influence, so much information, so many connections, but my feelings towards it being truth are unfounded.

If I was meant to be a Muslim, then why was I born with such strong feelings against organised religion, and an unwillingness to believe anything that was not provable through science? I used to tell my Muslim friends, back when I was still on the path of reverting, that they were lucky to be born in Muslim families, because they never felt the conflict of reason versus faith. They used to tell me that the reasoning and signs that pointed towards Islam were all there, but I was allowing myself to be blind to them.

Another thing that haunts me is a dream I had, back when I was still ‘Islamic’, on the eve of Ramadan. The Ramadan before that I had been fasting only every second day, which was a stark comparison to the Ramadans I’d fasted before, when I would only miss out on a few days. And so, I began to wonder whether this was truly the path for me and said to myself if I couldn’t fast a whole Ramadan, I could never be Muslim.

Anyway, the eve of that Ramadan (I think it was 2005 or 2006) I had a dream that the angel Jabreel (or Gabriel) came to me and told me that I must fast, and that I had to look after a young majnun (Arabic for a crazy person, or mentally retarded person) or all would be lost. He didn’t exactly say those words, and in all honesty I can’t remember any exact words or even remember his lips moving, I just remember the message. And in my dream he was shining with a bright golden light around him, he had golden hair and bright, intense, scary blue eyes and he was so powerful that I was overwhelmed with fear, I was completely freaked out by him in a way that I can’t even properly explain.

I woke up straight away and then immediately thought, it wasn’t real, it was just a dream and turned to my side and closed my eyes. The moment my eyelids shut I saw the vision of him again, just as frightening as before, and I quickly opened them with a gasp. It was 6am, or something close to it, and the sun was shining into my room. I was pretty cut that I’d woken up so early because it meant I’d be awake and so, fasting longer, but I was too afraid to close my eyes. It would have been a good start to a Ramadan, being up so early and having a lot of time to listen to Islamic lectures and learn to pray, but that Ramadan I barely fasted at all. I ignored the message.

When I told my Muslim friends of the dream they were astounded. My best friends mother interpreted it and said that it was a very good dream, that it was extremely rare that one would be blessed to receive an angel in their dream and that the majnun was myself. They all could not believe that even after such a powerful and scary dream I was still holding back from reverting. Sometimes, neither can I. But then I think of the world through eyes of logic and reason, and Islam seems once again like a strange fantasy.

I still feel the guilt though, and I can’t shake it, especially after drinking. Even now, I feel bad for every sin and I try to stay ‘pure’. I wonder where I got it from, I was never enough of a Catholic to begin the guilt process. Its so weird being stuck in the middle. But I can’t get past the parts of the religion that I feel are wrong, even though it feels like Fate leads me towards it so often.

So I let it go.

*Translation: Through me is the way into the woeful city; through me is the way into eternal woe; through me is the way among the lost people. Justice moved my lofty maker: the divine Power, the supreme Wisdom and the primal Love made me. Before me were no things created, unless eternal, and I eternal last. Leave every hope, ye who enter!

Capricorn With A Pisces Rising

Capricorn + Pisces Ascendant: You are certainly not the easiest person in the world to understand, mainly because your nature is so deep and your personality so complicated, that others are somewhat intimidated at the prospect of staring into this abyss. All the same your friendly nature is attractive, and there will always be people around who are fascinated by the sheer magnetic quality that is endemic to the zodiac mix.

Sentimental and extremely kind, there is no limit to the extent of your efforts on behalf of a deserving world, though there are some people around who wonder about your commitment and who may ridicule you a little for your staying power, even in the face of some adversity. At work you are very capable, will work long and hard, and can definitely expect  a greater degree of financial and practical success than Pisces alone. Routines don’t bother you too much, though you do need regular periods of introspection, which help to recharge low batteries and a battered self esteem.

In affairs of the heart you are somewhat given to impulse, which belies the more careful qualities of Capricorn. However, the determination remains intact and you are quite capable of chasing rainbows around, never realising that you can’t get to the end of them. You are immensely lovable and a great favourite to many. (Capricorn – Your personal horoscope 2009, Igloo Books)

When I have things I don’t understand, or when I’m confused with a decision I turn to astrology. More often than not, if the advice can relate to my issue then I will take it, regardless of how stupid I know that may be. But I believe in fate, and if I came across this sentence telling me what to do then it was my destiny to read it, so I don’t regret it.

I do believe there is a plan and life is showing me the way. If I say something, and the person for some reason doesn’t get the message I’ll pretend I said nothing, because maybe it was a secret or a thought I wasn’t supposed to tell. I follow my intuition a lot, it’s a feeling in my gut that I get when I’m on the right track. But even though it starts in your gut, it works its way somehow to your heart and it almost makes you want to cry. Its easy to ignore but you can learn to recognise it.

This may sound wacky but I do think that I’m kind of in tune with something, I know things I shouldn’t know. When I was 5, I knew my grandmother had died without having been told. I didn’t even know she was sick, and my father and brother who were supposed to tell me got really spooked about it.

My feelings are usually on the mark. The day I fought with my old best friend I had a bad gut churning feeling of dread the whole day, without reason why. I was to see her at 7pm and deep down I did not want to go one bit. It turned out that she and some of the others had all betrayed me, and I stormed out of her house without even saying goodbye to her mother. I was so upset that day that I wanted to die.

“Did you know when you go its the perfect ending

To the bad day I was just beginning

When you go all I know is you’re my favourite mistake..

Maybe nothing lasts forever

Even when you stay together

I don’t need forever after, but its your laughter won’t let me go

So I’m holding on this way..”

I predicted through tarot the relationships of my sister, including her current long term relationship with the man she will probably marry. I predicted a conflict between a guy I barely knew and his mates, using playing cards kind of mucking around, but was uncannily correct. The only thing that messes with my head with tarot, is predicting my own life story. I get confused and it doesn’t seem clear. But apparently thats supposed to happen when you read for yourself.

I’ve been a mess lately, the last six months anyway. I can’t concentrate, I’m slipping with uni, I can’t get motivated. All this friendship bullshit kinda just knocked the wind right out of me. I’ve lost my direction, and once where I knew I would succeed in my path, now I just see failure. When people would tell me my ambitions were too unreasonable I would laugh at them underestimating me.

Lately though, their words have stung. I feel like a bad person that doesn’t deserve to succeed. I want to get along with people and be cheerful, but then I think, does that make me fake? Or does it make me insincere? Because I want to be cheery but deep down I’m not. And I hate fakeness, I’ve always tried to keep it as real as possible. But am I all just one big act? I feel like I’ve lost myself. I have these big ideas and all these morals but its like I can’t uphold them or do them justice.

Well I read my cards. They are hopeful. They give me something to think about at least, but I always feel like I muddle up the messages meant for me. With myself, I can’t tell if I’m on the right track. It could be so blatant, and I would be oblivious. If anyone else reads, and can see a deeper or clearer meaning please let me know. Here are my cards, I did a 6 card cross spread.

Past Influence – High Priestess, secret holder, holding all knowledge, can mean the reader (myself) because its about spiritual and intuitive knowledge like a tarot reader holds, seems to be the querent (also myself), knowing things but keeping them hidden. Time of solitude and research, finding your way.

Obstacles in my path – Knight of Pentacles, can mean travel as knights ride horses, pentacles is travel on foot, pentacles mean money and ambition, a knight can refer to a young man, teen or of teen maturity, a hardworking practical man, solid and dependable. So, hmm.. He has dark features, physically.

Working in my favour – 9 of cups. This one was reversed, I don’t know how significant that can be. Nine of cups is a wish coming true, something you wanted finally granted. Popularity, good relationships, creativity. Cups are love. But reversed can mean vanity, carelessness, over sensitivity, neglecting partners. How can that help me?

Short term future – King of Pentacles, kings are beginnings, ideas and starting the ball rolling. They give the push to everything, without them nothing would happen. Pentacles is work/money so this can mean a new business or career. They can also obviously mean a man, physically dark, who holds responsibility. Practical, leader, shrewd, successful, proud, aloof but charismatic.

Long term future – The World, this was also reversed. The world means completeness, the end of the journey, success and praise for it. Can indicate travel. Reversed it means lack of vision, something holding me back from success, perhaps my own insecurity. Attachment to something I need to let go of to succeed.

Final outcome – King of Cups, kings are the driving force that lead the way, cups mean love so this can be a start to a relationship, a proposal of marriage, a new love, a man wanting to better himself, the king of cups as a person is family orientated, loyal to the death, old fashioned and compassionate. He has a good complexion with clear eyes.

I just can’t see the meaning, it seems like there are 3 men here? There is definitely a very confused querent. If anyone can connect the dots, please do. I’m out.