“I know she was attractive, but I was here first
Been riding with you for six years
Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you?
I know you’re probably thinking
What’s up with B?
I been crying for too long, what did you do to me?
I used to be so strong..”
Wow, I’ve gotten some really lovely comments in the past few days. I’m going to reply to all of them, as is my usual protocol, but I’d like to say thanks to those individuals first up! A couple weeks ago I had a few hater replies that I moved straight to the trash and it really put me off the blog. I’m not usually that sensitive, especially with haters, but you know how these things are. If you’re not expecting it, you don’t react well.
On Christmas Eve I found out the guy I’ve been seeing for the last two months has been hitting up and seeing his ex girlfriend on the sly. I can’t even express to you the rage I’m feeling towards him at the moment. I don’t want to put up some crazy facebook status, but on the other hand I want him to know that I think he’s a dog and for everyone else to know too! I won’t because I keep my dating life away from there, but goddammit, I’m just that pissed I might do something irrational. Argh!
I’m pretty sure he knows that I know, and the chicken shit is laying low to avoid the wrath. I know that its all like, don’t worry he doesn’t deserve me if he’s a lowie like that, blah blah, but I’m seething. How many times does this situation have to occur to me? And what kills me is that there were so many signs I ignored naively, thinking he would never have some drowned rat waiting in the wings. The worst part is the feeling of inadequacy that comes along with it, something I’d already worked through before, I’d gotten past it. But now it’s here again in the back of my mind, gnawing away.
“I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment
I’ll always remember feeling
Like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you
Like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied!”
There’s a part of me that wants to scream and rage and cause a massive scene, but the other part is saying ‘don’t stoop to that level, be above it, pretend you are unaffected..’ But then, it’s like he’s getting away with it. Except he won’t, because I know he’s going to come crawling back and that’s when I can be cold. This is really a kick in the teeth to my ego, you know? It’s all about the ego in the end. How dare HE do this to ME? Doesn’t he know who I AM?? I have to stop thinking in those terms, because it only breeds unhappiness. It’s as simple as: he fucked up, I go. That’s all it has to come down to.
It was only two months together, it’s not like we were meant to be. I can’t even hate him for it. I feel a bit possessive, thinking of her touching him or them laughing together, but I guess she had the prior claim being the ex, right? Fucking bitch.. Sigh, I’m sorry. But I can understand exactly why so many girls want to blast the chick even when they may not have known he was taken. It’s half jealousy, half intimidation. In the end though it was his choice, his betrayal. I know that. I’ll leave her out of this.
I should have known the moment he started getting possessive and suspicious of me. Cheaters always think their partner is as susceptible to that behaviour as they are. They accuse you first, they get jealous and delusional. Match that with the little hints his mates girlfriends were throwing at me and his sudden need to hide where he was or what he was doing and you pretty much have the conclusion staring you in the face. But I was too blind to see it.
“Tell me how should I feel
When I know what I know
And my female intuition tellin me you a dog
People told me bout the flames
I couldn’t see through the smoke
When I need answers – accusations!
What you mean you gon’ choke?
Oh you can’t stay you gotta go
Ain’t no other chick spendin your dough!
Ima put in a call, tell them ring the alarm
Coz you ain’t never seen a fire like the one ima cause!”
I’m cool, yo. Forget about it. Just another story for the archives ey? I’m going to be fine in like a week or something. For revenge I can go out on New Years and pick up whoever I want. It will be good rehab for the battered ego I’m nursing. To be honest I probably wouldn’t have even been that affected if I hadn’t found out and then immediately had to spend a major holiday with happy couples and families. That’s just asking for the sads. Karma, this shit is stacking up hard.. You owe me big time!
Ciao, my pretties. Happy New Years if I don’t post before then! 😀