You Ain’t Never Seen A Fire Like The One Ima Cause!

“I know she was attractive, but I was here first

Been riding with you for six years

Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you?

I know you’re probably thinking

What’s up with B?

I been crying for too long, what did you do to me?

I used to be so strong..”

Wow, I’ve gotten some really lovely comments in the past few days. I’m going to reply to all of them, as is my usual protocol, but I’d like to say thanks to those individuals first up! A couple weeks ago I had a few hater replies that I moved straight to the trash and it really put me off the blog. I’m not usually that sensitive, especially with haters, but you know how these things are. If you’re not expecting it, you don’t react well.

On Christmas Eve I found out the guy I’ve been seeing for the last two months has been hitting up and seeing his ex girlfriend on the sly. I can’t even express to you the rage I’m feeling towards him at the moment. I don’t want to put up some crazy facebook status, but on the other hand I want him to know that I think he’s a dog and for everyone else to know too! I won’t because I keep my dating life away from there, but goddammit, I’m just that pissed I might do something irrational. Argh!

I’m pretty sure he knows that I know, and the chicken shit is laying low to avoid the wrath. I know that its all like, don’t worry he doesn’t deserve me if he’s a lowie like that, blah blah, but I’m seething. How many times does this situation have to occur to me? And what kills me is that there were so many signs I ignored naively, thinking he would never have some drowned rat waiting in the wings. The worst part is the feeling of inadequacy that comes along with it, something I’d already worked through before, I’d gotten past it. But now it’s here again in the back of my mind, gnawing away.

“I tried and I tried to forget this

I’m much too full of resentment

I’ll always remember feeling

Like I was no good

Like I couldn’t do it for you

Like your mistress could

And it’s all because you lied!”

There’s a part of me that wants to scream and rage and cause a massive scene, but the other part is saying ‘don’t stoop to that level, be above it, pretend you are unaffected..’ But then, it’s like he’s getting away with it. Except he won’t, because I know he’s going to come crawling back and that’s when I can be cold. This is really a kick in the teeth to my ego, you know? It’s all about the ego in the end. How dare HE do this to ME? Doesn’t he know who I AM?? I have to stop thinking in those terms, because it only breeds unhappiness. It’s as simple as: he fucked up, I go. That’s all it has to come down to.

It was only two months together, it’s not like we were meant to be. I can’t even hate him for it. I feel a bit possessive, thinking of her touching him or them laughing together, but I guess she had the prior claim being the ex, right? Fucking bitch.. Sigh, I’m sorry. But I can understand exactly why so many girls want to blast the chick even when they may not have known he was taken. It’s half jealousy, half intimidation. In the end though it was his choice, his betrayal. I know that. I’ll leave her out of this.

I should have known the moment he started getting possessive and suspicious of me. Cheaters always think their partner is as susceptible to that behaviour as they are. They accuse you first, they get jealous and delusional. Match that with the little hints his mates girlfriends were throwing at me and his sudden need to hide where he was or what he was doing and you pretty much have the conclusion staring you in the face. But I was too blind to see it.

“Tell me how should I feel

When I know what I know

And my female intuition tellin me you a dog

People told me bout the flames

I couldn’t see through the smoke

When I need answers – accusations!

What you mean you gon’ choke?

Oh you can’t stay you gotta go

Ain’t no other chick spendin your dough!

Ima put in a call, tell them ring the alarm

Coz you ain’t never seen a fire like the one ima cause!”

I’m cool, yo. Forget about it. Just another story for the archives ey? I’m going to be fine in like a week or something. For revenge I can go out on New Years and pick up whoever I want. It will be good rehab for the battered ego I’m nursing. To be honest I probably wouldn’t have even been that affected if I hadn’t found out and then immediately had to spend a major holiday with happy couples and families. That’s just asking for the sads. Karma, this shit is stacking up hard.. You owe me big time!

Ciao, my pretties. Happy New Years if I don’t post before then! 😀

Streets On Fire

“The stars are aligned and the path is colliding

The plan is arriving and she’s out there smiling

The fear is upon us, the skies tried to warn us

Your parents are goners, no children to mourn us

It’s driving me crazy, this war is my lady

The bombs are our babies and God is amazing

The tick of the timer, the slip of the rhyme

Of the pimp and the rise of your fall’s

Where you’ll find her..”

There’s one image in my mind that I absolutely love. It’s a scene and a life that I don’t know but want to, that I can feel but haven’t really experienced. Anything that resembles it always appeals to me and I can’t even explain it properly. It’s one of those things that if you get it, you get it, and if you don’t, well there’s no way to describe it to you. I don’t even know how I came across it, but I think if I had to choose a place to describe the workings of my mind and what it looked like, that would be it.

This song comes pretty close to depicting it. It’s by Lupe Fiasco and was written about the AIDS virus, but told through the story of the Streets, a female essence that controls all life in the city. She’s the hustlers and the drugs, she gives you the luck and she takes it from you, she brings the warm breeze across your skin or the rain on your back, she lets you die or live, and she chooses your fate.

When you listen to that, you might be able to see what I see. It’s Tokyo, in the rain. Its summertime, so it’s hot. Neon lights are flashing at me and surrounding me. It’s an urban setting, with graffiti on the walls that makes it street and gives it that feeling of rebellion, but there is still a sense of something ethereal and natural, something bigger than the city and everything in it. It makes the city pulse, it makes it alive. It makes love exist and the meaning go beyond the simplicity of live to buy, buy to live, where the rich should control it all. But they can’t because life belongs to the Streets.

It’s a love story as well, behind the words. It’s in the music. Its two people searching for each other, and when they finally connect in the city it all comes to a crescendo, and the battle becomes their fight together against it all. It could be Hong Kong or Seoul, under siege, troops scouring the city for the enemies, fires burning from barrels, and two people trying to escape and save each other. They’re part of the rebellion, or maybe just civillians, but with the population all but evacuated, the city belongs to them. And the Streets are on their side. But whether they survive or not is beyond them, it’s up to her.

“Believe some say the neon signs

Might allow speakers repeating

And everything is fine

A subtle silence

Could demolish the troubled conscious

Of a compass with no knowledge

And every freedom denied..”

There’s something in the song that calms me, its like despite the rush of the city and the frantic struggle to make it, there’s something around us always that’s soothing and has been here long before we have, and will be here long after we’re gone. You can see it in the rainbow shining from the oil in a puddle on the tar, or in the reflection of the lights on the night sky. We might not make it, but we’re in it, so all we can do is live.

I don’t know if you can see it, or if you’ve seen it before in other things, other songs. I see it in anime, in warm rainy nights, in neon cities, in Lupe Fiasco’s album The Cool, in graffiti, in the style of the Melbourne fashion kids, in hot weather, in gyaru girls, in anything that glows in the dark, in clouds that look like they could hide angels.. It’s just a feeling I get. It’s my favourite feeling. I once tried to describe it in a piece called The Tokyo Slum, but I failed. Maybe you understood it, or maybe you didn’t. Anyway, that’s my mind. I live there. Let me know if you can see it too.

“The sadness, the madness, the bad shit, the lavish

The fastness to clashes, the ashes to ashes

Everything intertwined

My femme fatale my darling fraudulent angel

Once caught her changing her batteries in her halo

Receipt for her wings and everything that she paid for

And the address to the factory where they made those

The scientist says she’s all inside my mind

The little boy said “What happened to all the girls?”

The preacher man says she gonna kill off the souls

The dope boy said it’s the whole wide world..”